I was finally able to shower after almost a week. I took a chance because my pain levels were low. I took a nap after my previous blog. I kept dreaming of going to the bathroom and sure enough when I woke up, I had to pee. My mother was making dinner and it was almost ready. She made vegetables and mashed potatoes and chicken cutlets. It was good.

I am still feeling crummy emotionally. I just want to hide under a rock. I don’t know if I am going to sleep good because I slept for about 2.5 hours. I’m hoping that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. It seems to be a recurring theme. It just ruins the whole day and it’s taking its toll on me emotionally.

I got a call from my PCP’s office that my prescription is ready for pick up. I am not sure if I will be able to go by tomorrow or not. It all depends on if I am done with my errands and such. I hope there aren’t a lot of boxes to carry from my therapist’s office. It will suck bringing it into the house. I’m kind of nervous getting my things back. It will be a lot of memories.

It’s almost 0400. I woke up around 0300 because of bloody side effects or withdrawal. I can’t be sure. My checks came in so I bought my groceries and paid a couple of bills. My bladder was calling next so I went to the bathroom. To my surprise, I had to have a bowel movement. I don’t usually have to go at this hour but I was grateful as it’s been almost a week since my last movement. Strong pain pill has that side effect. I have been trying to take less but it hasn’t been working out. I feel relieved now that I have went.

The side effects are calming down but my foot/ankle pain has ramped up. I can’t fucking win. I took my regular pain meds because it’s all I can take right now. I will be driving so I don’t want to take the heavy stuff. If it gets worse, I am going to have to. I have a high pain tolerance. I was trying to explain it to my therapist and I don’t think he got it. He wanted to know who I was angry at after I told him. Pissed me off. I still don’t know if it’s going to work out with him. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as he does things quite differently.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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