another useless therapy session

Another useless therapy session

I was able to sleep till 1315. I didn’t want to get up but I had to. I am glad I didn’t sleep later than that because I would have been screwed to catch the bus to therapy and wouldn’t leave me time to have my much needed espresso. I had five shots today rather than four because I was so tired. It’s starting to wear off and I am getting sleepy but my foot/ankle are acting up again.

I walked to my therapist’s office. It was drizzling out and cold. The train was held up at Harvard so I was right on time for my appointment. I asked him about transgender transition and he had no clue. I was shocked. He said just to go to the LGBT clinic in Boston. He didn’t offer me any support in the matter and I felt standoffish. We talked a little bit about why I wanted to go ahead with my transition but the guy was not getting it and then he started fiddling with his fucking nails again. My mood dipped by the end of session and I felt like therapy was useless with this guy. He said time was up, see you next week, and I left.

I feel like cancelling next week’s session. I honestly don’t want to go back, at all. I think I am only going to please my psychiatrist. If I am not getting any help from the sessions, what is the purpose of going? This guy doesn’t offer any guidance and just expects me to talk for 45 minutes. I can have more fun talking to my voices than him! I want to call that female therapist back and see if she is taking new patients. I know it’s been a month since she left me a message, maybe more than that, but I got to do what I feel is right. I can’t keep feeling like a piece of shit after therapy or that my time is wasted because I didn’t get anything out of it and feel unsupported.

When we were talking about the transgender, he didn’t offer me anything or reassure me that what I am feeling is valid. He hasn’t yet to do so and it’s pissing me off. Why am I seeing a therapist if I am not going to feel supported and have my feelings validated? He hasn’t even said anything sympathetic to me like, I’m sorry or “oh no” or anything that would reassure me that he gives a shit. It’s been almost two months that I have been seeing him and I just am not feeling like there is a connection going on. I just feel like he wants to bill my insurance and listen to me rattle on and on about whatever without really hearing me and my distress.