feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

Feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

I woke up around 0500 in pain so instead of taking my pain meds, I took Neurontin. I don’t remember the dose, but I fell asleep about an hour later. I slept pretty hard because I didn’t get up till 1300 or so. I was brushing my teeth when my psych called me. I was supposed to call her in the morning to check in. I planned on calling her when I got back to my room but she beat me to it. We talked and I told her I was fine right now and didn’t need to be in the hospital. She said to keep in touch with her via email or page.

The reason I had to call her was that I paged her last night because I got really suicidal and I was in a lot of pain. I had taken everything I could for my pain and there was no relief. We talked about going in the hospital today and I was seriously considering it. I think if my mood wasn’t better in the morning, I might have gotten my stuff together and meet up with her in the ER. But I was “better” and didn’t feel the need for a hospital stay.

After the phone call, I got dressed and went to the post office and Rite Aid. I needed to mail off a package and get some more cream for my coffee. As I was making my coffee, my PCP’s office called saying my prescription was ready to be picked up. I really wasn’t planning on going into town but I needed my meds. It was hot today so I just changed shorts, grabbed my coffee, and left to catch the bus that would be coming soon.

After getting my script, I went to get my haircut. I had a bit of a wait but I didn’t mind. Unfortunately, by that time, I was wondering where the day went and felt like I lost time because I slept all morning. It’s rare that I sleep past noon without waking up at least once. I guess between my exhaustion from pain and the Neurontin, I was zonked. I got my cut and then went to Chipotle for my dinner. It was the only thing I had today. I ate it at Starbucks and had an iced tea/lemonade. I wanted to write in my journal for a bit. Oral fixation guy was there chewing on some kind of string as he did stuff on his laptop. It was kind of disgusting so I tried not to look at him while I ate and wrote.

I went to Walgreens to get my script filled and then came home. I needed a shower and took one. My foot by that time had enough and didn’t want to bear weight at all. I almost fell twice. At one point, I thought I was going to fall backwards as my balance felt off. I quickly got out and dried off. Luckily there were no mishaps while getting dressed. Now I am going to take my meds soon and go back to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I got through to my dentist and have an appointment tomorrow morning. I got to set my alarm so I don’t sleep through it. I know I will have to go back next week to get my cavity filled. Not looking forward to that. I hope that one cavity is still the only one I have.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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