struggling to stay awake

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.

waves of exhaustion are fun

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

Feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

I woke up around 0500 in pain so instead of taking my pain meds, I took Neurontin. I don’t remember the dose, but I fell asleep about an hour later. I slept pretty hard because I didn’t get up till 1300 or so. I was brushing my teeth when my psych called me. I was supposed to call her in the morning to check in. I planned on calling her when I got back to my room but she beat me to it. We talked and I told her I was fine right now and didn’t need to be in the hospital. She said to keep in touch with her via email or page.

The reason I had to call her was that I paged her last night because I got really suicidal and I was in a lot of pain. I had taken everything I could for my pain and there was no relief. We talked about going in the hospital today and I was seriously considering it. I think if my mood wasn’t better in the morning, I might have gotten my stuff together and meet up with her in the ER. But I was “better” and didn’t feel the need for a hospital stay.

After the phone call, I got dressed and went to the post office and Rite Aid. I needed to mail off a package and get some more cream for my coffee. As I was making my coffee, my PCP’s office called saying my prescription was ready to be picked up. I really wasn’t planning on going into town but I needed my meds. It was hot today so I just changed shorts, grabbed my coffee, and left to catch the bus that would be coming soon.

After getting my script, I went to get my haircut. I had a bit of a wait but I didn’t mind. Unfortunately, by that time, I was wondering where the day went and felt like I lost time because I slept all morning. It’s rare that I sleep past noon without waking up at least once. I guess between my exhaustion from pain and the Neurontin, I was zonked. I got my cut and then went to Chipotle for my dinner. It was the only thing I had today. I ate it at Starbucks and had an iced tea/lemonade. I wanted to write in my journal for a bit. Oral fixation guy was there chewing on some kind of string as he did stuff on his laptop. It was kind of disgusting so I tried not to look at him while I ate and wrote.

I went to Walgreens to get my script filled and then came home. I needed a shower and took one. My foot by that time had enough and didn’t want to bear weight at all. I almost fell twice. At one point, I thought I was going to fall backwards as my balance felt off. I quickly got out and dried off. Luckily there were no mishaps while getting dressed. Now I am going to take my meds soon and go back to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I got through to my dentist and have an appointment tomorrow morning. I got to set my alarm so I don’t sleep through it. I know I will have to go back next week to get my cavity filled. Not looking forward to that. I hope that one cavity is still the only one I have.

tired from doing nothing

Tired from doing nothing

I have no plans for the day other than resting my ankles as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain last night and felt really hopeless. I turned to a friend that I thought would be supportive as she also suffers from chronic pain and mental illness. Instead, she hurt my feelings by telling me to “stop it”. It’s like she didn’t want to hear that I was struggling. I said I was sorry to bother her and good night. This lead to a bunch of text messages saying to talk to her. After the third text, I texted back. I didn’t tell her she hurt my feelings. I am not going to talk to her today and I know next time I feel hopeless, not to call on her. It’s not worth being basically told to shut up about how you feel.

I got up this morning and my pain levels were down. I felt a little better but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I emailed my psychiatrist about my mood. I was going to go back to bed but decided to make coffee. My mother wasn’t feeling well so didn’t go down to my Aunt’s house. It was still raining when I went downstairs and very cold. I made my coffee and chatted lightly with my mother. She noticed my haircut and gave me the look of disappointment. I loved it. She always has something to say about my haircuts being short and this one is really shorter than I usually get it. I told her I would make lunch. I asked her if she wanted ribs and she said ok. My mouth was watering. I couldn’t wait to make lunch.

It was finally time to make lunch and my mother liked the ribs, though she said they were “spicy”. I told her they weren’t bad for $6 compare to the higher quality ribs of $17. After lunch we had some cheesecake. I felt really full. I told my mother I would make hot dogs for supper. She asked why I was making food for her as it wasn’t a special occasion. I told her my pain levels were down, even though I felt dog tired. I really like having hot dogs for dinner. I bought rolls for them so I am happy about that.

After lunch, I went up to my room and it was like a freight train hit me. I was so damn tired I needed a nap. But I still haven’t slept. I just can’t get comfortable and my brain won’t shut off. It keeps going around and around thinking of stuff to do but not wanting to do it. My pain came back a little while ago so I took my pain meds for the first time today, just my regular pain meds as the pain isn’t too severe.

I guess I am still recovering from yesterday as I am so tired today. I really don’t want to do anything but read Facebook and Twitter, which hasn’t been good. Most of the stories on Twitter have been about trump or the guy in Montana that body slammed a reporter. I still can’t believe he got elected but I blame trump because he called the media “an enemy of the people” so his supporters believe that shit. It makes me so mad because if a Dem did the same thing the repubs are doing, they would be treated much differently. It’s sick and twisted. So I have turned to Facebook. I had posted that I was having a hard time and if people could show me their pet pics that would be good. My friends complied. I was happy for a little while. Then a dear friend sent me cat videos and I got engaged in that for a bit. They are funny characters. I love cats.

With all this rain we are having, it has flared up my lower back. It hasn’t been incapacitating, thank god, but I am sore. I know we need the rain and I can’t wait for it to stop so my back will be okay again. I need to change my sheets and I can’t do it with my sore back. It will only aggravate it more. Next week is supposed to be better weather and warmer.

My Achilles is feeling much better today, even though it’s still swollen. I don’t care as long as it’s not hurting. It’s the worst type of pain. I am just glad ibuprofen took care of it last night. I was going out of my tree last night with pain. I was up till after midnight talking with my non-supportive friend. We were talking about random shit. She wants me to see the chief of podiatry at one of the small local hospitals. I don’t think a podiatrist will help me. I have a friend that works at the hospital and she is going to give me the name of an Achilles specialist there, which is what I need. I know that if they just get rid of the damn lump, my pain will decrease. I think it’s because it rubs against the tendon and that is what is causing me pain.

Tomorrow I am going to start typing the high school paper that I wrote. It will probably take me all day because I am not a fast typer when it comes to reading the paper and typing it up. I am going to try and see if WordPress will allow me to change the font to comic sans. I think it will be cool to have an old paper in that font. I just hope I don’t have to pay for that feature. If not, Times new Roman it is, or whatever font WordPress publishes.