Wicked hot Sunday

Wicked hot Sunday

The temps are in the 90s and I am miserable. I briefly went to a family event, where I was driving and it took all the energy out of me because I was stuck in traffic. The family event was near a popular beach so I knew there would be traffic, which is why I got the zipcar longer than I originally planned. I made it home with 45 minutes to spare once I hit the main road. I had a good time, the few hours I spent at my cousin’s. But my pain levels shot up and I had to leave. It was much too hot for me to be in the heat. Even while I was in the AC’d car, my neuropathy flared. That was fun.

I totally miscalculated my pain meds and if I don’t have my script ready tomorrow, I will run out come Tuesday. The script is for 28 days and it always messes me up by a few days. I don’t know why they just can’t give you a 30 day supply of meds. But I don’t make the rules. I have to abide by them. I think the heat wave should be over by Tuesday but it could be another 80 degree or more day. I am glad I had my brother in law put in the AC when he did or I would be dead. The nerve injury makes me totally intolerant of heat and it’s gotten worse every year. I mostly stay in my room because it’s the only room with AC. The rest of the house is hot and I just can’t deal.

The game is on late today, which sucks. Last night, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It was more than 4 hours and they just went 9 innings. Detroit pitching was so damn slow. We still won though, 11-3. I had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I wasn’t in too much pain until I laid down. Then my foot went berserk and the suicidal urges came back. I had a relatively low pain weekend, so I was thinking I didn’t need to go to the hospital tomorrow. Now I am rethinking those thoughts. I had emailed my psych about it. I always have a hard time coming to the decision to go in because I know my meds get screwed up more than how I am treated. Other than keeping me from acting on my urges, I don’t see a benefit to the aggravation of a med screw up.

I don’t have therapy this week because I cancelled. After last week’s session, I just couldn’t handle another week of him not being there for me. I just feel unsupported by him, something that I never thought I would say about a therapist. In all the years I have been going to therapy, this is the most unsupported I have felt. In many ways, I’d like my old therapist back. Least I knew she cared.

I took my night meds early because I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be staying up to hear about the game. I want to go to bed early. The game usually winds me up and I find it hard to sleep afterwards, especially as I know they will be playing well past 2300. Much too late as I run the risk of being up all night. I get my second wind and it’s all down hill after that.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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