Can’t pass out due to pain

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Can’t pass out due to pain

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m sorry the pain is making you not be able to do much. That is sad. I wish things were different for you. xx

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