Dentist and other things 2
I woke up in pain so took some pain meds to settle it down. After a while, it didn’t seem to work so I used some lidocaine. Then I made some coffee and breakfast. By the time I finished my coffee, it was time to leave for the dentist appointment. He looked at my gum and said it was still swollen. He wants me to continue to use the rinse. He thinks that it will go away once the bone heals. He doesn’t think the cavity on the other side needs work. Just to use the special toothpaste and the rinse. I was happy about that. Now to get myself into a routine that I stick to about brushing my teeth. It’s really hard on some days because I just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it to avoid further teeth damage.
I came home and wanted to bake something. But I didn’t know what to make, cookies or bread. I looked over the ingredients and found that they both needed things like butter at room temp. I didn’t take anything out and I didn’t feel like waiting. I’ll bake something over the weekend. I just hope it stays cool.
Tomorrow I need to go to the meat shop to buy ground beef so I can make Manwich. I’m the only one that likes it. My mother told me to buy a big package of beef. This way I can use half and freeze half. So I will. I can always use it to make another “dirty” gravy.
Taylor Swift just came out with a new single. I bought it today as it wasn’t available last night. It’s okay, lyrics are kind of weird but I am sure I’ll get used to them. I can’t wait for her new music to come out. I love her.
Pain just shot up. And I can’t take any more pain meds for at least another two hours. Just lovely. Maybe I’ll take some Ativan so I can go to sleep. It seems that is when I have the least amount of pain. Last night I was curious to see if I fit the proposed criteria of CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. I asked my support group what the criteria was named as I forgot. It’s called the Budapest criteria. I fit some of it but not all the characteristics so I’m kind of nervous now whether or not when I see the new neuro in Oct I will definitely be diagnosed with it. I am going to print out the sheet that I found on the net and show it to my psychiatrist. Maybe she can help me with it. I still need to email my neuro and see what the hell she was talking about when she was telling me about small muscle fiber neuropathy. I don’t know if that is the same thing as CRPS or if I have that or what. My sleep deprived brain doesn’t remember much. I just know I was mad that she didn’t exam my ankle/foot because I had the AFO on.
My depression is in sync with my pain today. I really just want to fucking die. I am just so fed up with severe pain every single day. It’s draining the hell out of me. Every morning, afternoon, night. No sleep some nights. Intense pain increases my suicidality. I just don’t know how to manage anymore. I wish the hospitalization was more helpful for me but I got a crap shoot deal. I also wish my therapist was a little more helpful in helping me with my problems rather than just have me vent to him about my frustrations which just leads me to feel more frustrated. I want to give up so bad but my “kids” keep me here. I don’t think I can kill myself knowing how hurt they will be and the subsequent consequences of having to deal with my death.