Sunday Blog 10 Sept 2017

Sunday Blog 10 September 2017

I was up till at least 0330. That was the last time I looked at the clock, least until my med alarm went off. I was in a lot of pain. My foot was on fire so I took it out from under the blankets and I have no idea what I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I was hurting so bad. I had to take a strong pain pill and then I started getting anxiety from the pain so I took some Ativan.

My mother called me around 1500 to see where I was and what I wanted for dinner. She asked why I was sleeping and I said because of pain. She then asked if I had pain medication to take. Really?? Just because I do, doesn’t mean it works right away or that it takes the pain away 100%. I was too tired to argue with her so just let her talk. It just angered me that after all this time, she still doesn’t get it.

I took a shower and decided to wear my American Association of Suicidology shirt that I got. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I posted a pic of me wearing it on my social media. I look like a girl. My stupid breasts are huge and my smile is dorky. I hate taking pictures of myself.

My bad foot slipped in the shower a few times and then while I was walking to go back to my room, it gave out on me. I didn’t bring my cane down because it wasn’t bothering me. I did the best I could going up the stairs. I then did my meds for the week and took another strong pain pill. I tried putting on the brace that I have but when I put a little pressure on the top of my foot to secure the Velcro, that set off more pain. I am so tired I just want to go back to sleep but I know that if I do, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have been thinking about the people down in Florida who are being flooded by Irma. Miami is nothing but water. I hope no one drowns or gets killed. The sheriffs have issued warnings not to shoot at Irma. I swear the Floridians are just gun happy people that will shoot at anything or anybody.

I’m going to try and stay up till 8 pm. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired now. I feel really hungover and I hate that feeling. Tomorrow I am going to try and call the court and find out what method of payment they take to get my name change and which courthouse to go to as there are two buildings. I really want to be able to change my name at the end of the month. I am excited and scared of doing this. I know when I do, there will be no turning back but keep moving forward.

I want to have a cup of coffee but it’s after 1800 and if I do have one, it might keep me up all night. I have therapy tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to. I haven’t seen him in two weeks because last Monday was a holiday. Maybe I will make a cup of tea…

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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