Ankle Chronicles 14

Ankle Chronicles 14

I had to look up the last time I wrote about this. It was almost a year ago. I know I talk about my ankle and foot pain in most of my blogs but sometimes I dedicate a blog solely to my ankle. It helps me takes my mind off the pain.

I took a lot of Neurontin tonight. I just couldn’t deal. Unfortunately, it didn’t take care of the bone pain that I felt. I slept for a few hours and then I wanted some cocoa pebbles. I threw in some granola and oats cereal that I had. I like mixing the two. It tastes really good. I am hoping later today to make oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a while.

I haven’t called any physical therapy (PT) places. Thing is, most of these places you need to fax in the prescription order before they call you. It is ridiculous. I don’t know if they will help me or harm me. I am going to try and fax the script over to Spaulding Rehab which is down the street from me rather than go to Charlestown. Both places seem to be good though I never have had PT at the place down the street. I just seen the physiatrist (bone and muscle specialist). Thing that bothers me is that my PCP didn’t give me the diagnosis of CRPS. He just wrote “ankle pain of unknown etiology”. Etiology mean they don’t know the cause of the pain. I am so frustrated with not having the diagnosis of CRPS when I clearly have it. It is pissing me off to the nth degree.

I woke up from my 2.5 hour nap. My ankle felt okay so I didn’t take the cane down the stairs with me when I had the bowl of cereal. When I was placing the bowl on the table, my ankle acted up. I was not happy. It settle down though. I had take my pain meds an hour ago so I should get some relief soon. I also took an Ativan to get back to sleep. I am not sure if I am going to sleep all day or not. I might sleep in spirts. Because I took a high dose of Neurontin, I am not sure how my sleep will be. I am just glad that the burning and nerve pain is not there. Sometimes it’s difficult to know physical pain from nerve pain. You just know that you hurt really bad and you want it gone, no matter what.

Other than sleeping off the Neurontin and making pancakes, I was thinking of making the lemon sour cream cookies that I made last week. I need to use up the sour cream before it goes bad. If I don’t make it today, I will try tomorrow. I really like baking. It’s fun. Now that I know what temp to cook the cookies at and not leave a pan on the bottom rack, I think it will be cookie time for a while. The cookies are great with coffee. I brought them with me when I went to Starbucks.

My ankle bone is hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill soon. This pill is the only thing that takes away that pain. I hate taking it because lately I have had problems peeing. I sit on the toilet and it take a while for me to pee. I hate having this hesitancy. It’s awful. It also increases my constipation so I don’t go for a few days at a time. I have to take fiber pills in order to go. It is such a balancing act.

While I was trying to sleep, all I thought about was killing myself. The pain was just so bad and I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I hate it when I am overtired. It always makes me suicidal. I keep wanting to end my life in my backyard but I am too afraid of being eaten by animals. I just want the pain to be gone and I don’t really care that it will take my life in the process. I don’t really have a life worth living.

I checked my sales for last month. I sold 3 of my memoir books. 2 books and one eBook. I am feeling sad that no one has bought my second book, at all. Only person to buy it was my psychiatrist and a friend in Ireland. She bought the Kindle version. I think I sold more as signed books than I have through Amazon. I am going to try and talk to an independent book store that I pass by every week when I go to therapy. Maybe they will stock one or both of my books. It will be interesting to see. I don’t know if they will do it but I can ask. I just need the courage to do it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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