espresso, exhaustion, and pain

Espresso, exhaustion, and pain

I woke up several times during the night and early morning. I kept having weird dreams. I finally got up around 11. I wanted espresso, though I really didn’t feel like going out to get it. I had to return the thing I bought from Amazon so I figure I might as well get something to eat and my favorite drink.

Allergies were bad today. I keep sniffling and my nose keeps running. Didn’t help that they were cutting the grass. I love the smell of fresh cut grass but sometimes it makes my allergies worse. The bus was late and I was contemplating going back home. But I stuck it out and did my errand.

I think the soy milk was bad because there was residue at the bottom of the cup and the drink didn’t taste right. I drank some of it and wanted a nap. I didn’t feel like writing. I just wanted to go home. The next bus wasn’t for another hour so I played with my phone. A friend that I had met in the hospital sent me a pic of my book. She was reading it and liked it a lot. That made me feel good. I was feeling pretty depressed most of the day, suicidal at times. I am having a hard time because pain is making me crazy.

The bus came and I wasn’t even half way done with my espresso. I tried to drink more of it while on the ride home but it was so bitter it was hard to do. I dumped it when I got off the bus. I went to Walgreens to get a Dew Kickstarter. It’s like an energy drink. Maybe that will keep me from going to sleep. I don’t know. I got to my street and my ankle exploded. FUCK. Going up the stairs was torture. Then my bladder told me it needed to be relieved so I had to go back down the stairs. It was really muggy in the house so I was sweating. I hate the heat so bad. I am glad I brought the cane with me when I went downstairs. My ankle didn’t want to work at all.

I am really tired but I don’t want to sleep for fear of screwing up my sleep cycle, whatever the hell that is at the moment. I have a lot of things going on in Oct. I talked to my friend last night and we coordinated a dinner date south of Boston with my friend’s family. They wanted to do it on a Monday but because I have therapy, I can’t go. I also have the meeting with the pain group coordinator the following day. Then every Thursday there is an appt. I meet with the new neuro and then I have my physical. I hope somewhere in between to get my name changed. I was hoping the 1st week in Oct but I don’t think that will happen. I still need to call the courthouse to find out what kind of payment they accept for name changes. I’ll call after I finish this blog as it will be before closing time.

My Sox lost last night. It was a crappy night. They had a rain delay around 9 or 10 and I took that time to go to sleep. I wasn’t sure if the game was going to be postponed or continued and I wasn’t staying up to find out.

This weekend, I am going to try and buy some more zucchini so I can make the zucchini bread I made a few weeks ago. I want to bring it in to my psychiatrist. She loved the cookies I made. I somehow got to figure out a day and time to get my fasting blood work done. I’d say morning but I am never up in the morning anymore. Very rare that I am up before 9 these days because I have such an erratic sleep pattern.

I think my not sleeping is really fucking with my mood. Since I have been sleeping more and have no energy, my depression has deepened and I’m thinking a lot about suicide. I keep imagining my death and how I would do it. I got no plans to act on my thoughts but keep wondering if I could act. I just feel so miserable. Being in pain all the time is not fun and you can’t get used to it because it changes all the time. I tried to push through today and it exhausted me more than if I stayed home. I haven’t showered all week and I don’t care. Just feel really hopeless that things are never going to get better, that I am stuck with my ankle and foot acting up whenever they feel like it, regardless of whether or not I have done anything. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

any thoughts?

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