Want to go home

Today has been difficult.  I’ve had pain all day, sometimes excruciating and other times tolerable. I worried my morning contact person because the plan I took off the table, I put back on. It is staying on for now. I’m in a don’t give a shit mood. I’m tired of being in horrible pain. I haven’t done much yet I hurt so bad.

I really just want to die. I won’t do anything while I am here. I am kind of nervous about tomorrow and meeting with Bonnie (not her real name). I don’t think from here on out I’m going to be helped. It doesn’t help that I feel so hopeless that things will get better. My support group has been doing what they can for me but I feel like I shouldn’t share too much of my depression for fear of bringing people down.

I’ve been reading the Harry Potter and the cursed child for most of the day. I read it before taking my meds and I was in the wizard world for a while. Then I came back to reality and I didn’t like it. I really didn’t think I would like this book but I am, even though it doesn’t have too much description like a normal book does. It is mostly script with few descriptions of the scene. I know if it was written like a book it would be at least a thousand pages, minimum. But I am enjoying myself with it while I try to escape the pain and boredom of this place. I wish I brought my Kindle. Maybe I’ll ask my sister to bring it to me. A fellow patient who is being discharged tomorrow gave me some candy and tea. I was out of my regular tea as I didn’t think to pack it. All I have left is chamomile tea. I had two cups of Lipton today. It gave me the caffeine I needed. The coffee is wicked terrible so I don’t drink it.

My cousin said some things on Facebook that really got under my skin. I replied just as callous back. If he can’t understand my mental illness or physical pain, Fuck him. I’m not going to placate him. He could have said sorry to miss seeing you rather than he was disappointed. His choice of words, not mine. I’m tired of being judged by small minded people.

I have been sitting on my bed the last few hours. My tailbone hurts. Now it’s raining out so my spine is hurting. It was hot in my room so I had staff open my other window. Least it will get the air circulating. I really cannot stand heat. I miss my ceiling fan. The temp today has gone from 49 degrees to 60, which is kind of odd for Nov. I was freezing this morning but the heat seems to have kicked on high for some reason. Staff just looked at the controls for my room and it’s on cool so I don’t know what the fuck is going on. It is an old building so it does weird things.

I took another dose of Miralax for my bowels. I finally went though I still feel bloated. I’ve been trying to keep up with fluids because I woke up with a sore throat but that just made the feeling of being bloated worse. I am hoping all the food I ate gets digested by tomorrow. I hate this feeling of being full when I didn’t overeat. I know the strong pain pill is causing my bowels to be backed up but there is nothing I can do about it. I need it to help my pain as I can’t take it like I do at home. 

I’m hoping tomorrow I have a better sense of when I will be going home. I really want to leave. Being here is just solidifying my planning. It is going to be tough because no a whole lot of “work” has been done since I have been here. I have been doing the PT stuff because it is easier to remember to do. Imagery has been ok but I only get so far before I wander off. The depression makes it hard to really focus on anything. 

any thoughts?

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