12 Dec and I’m hot as hell as well as mad

12 Dec and I’m hot as hell (as well as mad)

Around 2 pm, I went to my sister’s to get some lunch. My brother in law made some pasta last night so I was going to have that. I left my ceiling fan running. I ate and then went back to my room. HOLY FUCKING HELL. My mother had turned the heat up to 71 so I am roasting. There was a burning smell coming from the ceiling fan. Now I am stuck with just the window being open. It is not that cold out! I am so damn mad. I got to tell my mother not to turn the heat up so fucking high. I am also mad at my brother in law for not replacing the fan this weekend. He BETTER do it this weekend or I will hire someone!

I spent the morning getting my laptop in order. I successfully loaded the recovery disk for Win 10 onto my USB drive. I then called Canon to figure out how to install the drivers for my printer. It took about 10 mins and I was kicking myself for not thinking of doing what she said to do. That being done, the next project was reinstalling Office and then McAfee. Both took a long time to install. I have 6 GB of memory left on my laptop. I still need to install the program to play DVDs. Last night I wanted to watch It’s a Wonderful Life but couldn’t be bothered with installing a program when I needed to clear memory for the stupid recovery disk. The Dell support person said that Win 10 needs 20 GB so that the other 12 GB are, I have no clue. He kept telling me that the laptop was for email and internet videos. That doesn’t solve my problem of needing 8 GB for the disk recovery!! Anyways, everything is done now. I won’t attempt to reformat the hard drive until I have a new one, which probably won’t be until March as I have to get more RAM and Office 2016. I need to get Office 2016 first because dumb Office 365 will expire and then I won’t be able to use Word. Because I didn’t get a full 30 day trial, I will need to buy the download version, which costs more, because I don’t have time to have the PC key card delivered, whatever that is. I don’t know why a download version costs more than a stick. I might be able to find it cheaper at another site than Amazon or something, or used version. I don’t know. I will worry about it when my check comes in.

Tonight I have my sleep study. I am really nervous about it because I haven’t been able to sleep the past 4 nights till after 3 am. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I kind of flipped out in that I became suicidal again. I have a date in mind that I want to end things. I don’t feel like it today but it is in the back of my mind. I really want to die to escape this fucking pain. My ankle went out on me, again, while I was in my kitchen making a cup a tea. When I went downstairs to get my brother in law’s pasta, I wore the AFO. I think I need to switch sneakers as the laces are really irritating the top of my foot where it is sensitive. I had to really lace up my shoe because it felt too lose after the modifications were done. I have decided that I am just going to wear my PJs that I am wearing now to the study and bring my sweatpants in a bag along with my meds. I’ll bring my journal with me to write so I can settle down. I hope I sleep a few hours because I really want to go to PT tomorrow afternoon.

I’ve been bad about doing the exercises. I have been using the app and just doing the calf and hamstring stretches. I have no idea where my notebook is that has the paper where the PT wrote down all the exercises I was to do. I just remember the stretches and not the other ones. I used the app this morning as I woke up around 5. I didn’t do too good because I was in pain. There is a test called context and I can’t get a good score on it no matter how many times I do it. I can’t distinguish right from left when the foot is in a weird position and in a boot or shoe. Really frustrates me.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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