same shit, different day, again

Same shit different day again

Today was the repeat of yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain, after sleeping for about 4 hours. The docs can shove this cream up their asses. It’s not helping me sleep in the least. It obviously isn’t helping my pain during the night. I am so fucking angry. I plan on writing them a note saying that this isn’t working. I just wish I could CC my PCP so he knows as well. I am also going to try and see this jerk (pain doc) sooner than 4 weeks as I can’t go on like this. I’ve waited four fucking months for this appointment and I’ll be damned to wait another month.

I’ve been eating since I woke up around 3. I had a pop tart, burger, and some fish. The fish was very good. It was my favorite kind, cod. My sister bought about 2 lbs and gave it to my mother to cook. She had paid like $14. The butcher shop that I went to wanted $12 for 1lb. I looked at it before getting my burgers. I did want to buy it but my mother said not to get it for that price. It was my money but my mother thinks everything should be less than 10 bucks or something. I don’t think she gets that things are no longer the price she grew up with. She was telling me when she was younger crabs, the whole thing, were a nickel. Now they are like $13/lb. Seafood has gone up because of overfishing. There are a lot less fishermen than it was back in her youth. Some of the fish isn’t even from the Atlantic but other places south or even in the Pacific, like Alaskan cod or salmon.

I really need to set some timer on my phone so I can use it less. I want to read more. This is the first week since Oct that I have no appointments. Hopefully, I can spend that time finishing Harry Potter. I think that will be my goal for the week. I am low on my Starbucks funds so I think I will go just one day this week. I have a reward for a free drink as well. When I finish reading Harry, I will try to do some writing with the story. It was weird that in the dream I had before I woke up this afternoon, it had my father in it and the people in it were reading my story. My father was in the emergency room for something and we were waiting to be seen. He was on a stretcher in the hallway. Then next to it was the kitchen of my house I grew up in. So weird. I always have these dreams that the doors to this house lead to my house or to some other place.

I bought the song Diane last night. I needed to listen to it on repeat. Cam’s voice is awesome. And every time I watch the video, I fall in love with her more. I started following her in Instagram and was sad to find out she is married. Not surprised as she is a knockout. All the good ones are either straight or taken. Oh well.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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