ping pong Friday

Ping Pong Friday

I had a late appointment with my pain doc today so I did a few errands before it. I got my haircut, went to Starbucks to fuel up because I was starving, and then went into Boston to fix my glasses as the nosepad was broken. That took only a few minutes and I told her I was having trouble reading so I set up an appt with the eye doc for next week to check my eyes. I am still covered should there be a prescription change.

I then hung out in the lobby until it was time for my appt. I had to pick up my script for my pain meds so I did that and then wrote in my journal. I felt like I lost a best friend as I hadn’t had time to write in some time. It felt so good to write a couple of pages. I need to bring another journal as I have about 10 pages left. I have plenty so I don’t need to buy one.

I was extremely nervous for my appointment. A medical student came in and took a brief history as to why I was there. Then the doc came in and he said he didn’t know what to do for me. Excuse me? You need to write me a script for the medication you agreed to put me on. Then he said his clinic doesn’t do that. YOU ARE A FUCKING PAIN CLINIC, What the fuck do you mean you don’t do that!!??? He said he was just a consultant and that the primary would write it. Oh my fucking god. I have barely enough pain meds to last me the weekend as I can’t fill them till Sunday. He said he would email my PCP and HE would get back to me. Okay, asshole. I vowed never to go back there for anything. The whole place is a fucking joke.

I leaving fuming mad. I put Pearl Jam on as it is the only music to keep me from killing someone at that point. I look at the current pain meds and the bastard was right, I can’t fill it till Sunday. I think I will have enough until then as long as I don’t flare. I go on the train and no seats are available so I stand the whole way, barely listening to the music in my ears.

I get off at my stop, go across the street to get some slices of pizza and fries because that is what I wanted for dinner goddamn it. I placed my order and as I was waiting a restricted number calls my phone. I answer and it is the pain doc’s office. The asshole said he would prescribe as he talked with my PCP. I am to pick up the script on Monday. Wonderful but that doesn’t help me this weekend for pain meds!!! And that will mean going to the same hospital Monday for the script and then Tues to see my chickenshit PCP.

I am so fucking frustrated. I counted my meds and I barely have enough to get me through Monday. This is because I don’t have a 28 count of meds. I have a 21 day supply of meds even though I am supposed to have a 28 day. If I have a flare later or this weekend, I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t go more than 8 hours without meds as I will go through withdrawal. Been there, done that, not fun. Even with the new medication, I have no idea if I will have withdrawal from what I am currently taken because I have never stopped it before for another med. I didn’t have a chance to ask about this because the asshole didn’t want to deal with me. I know technically, I should be okay because the same opiate receptors will be having the new med but I don’t know. How can you go from 12 years being on one drug to a new drug and still have the brain be happy??? We’re not talking ibuprofen for Tylenol here, same result, different pathways.

I have four appointments next week. I was really hoping to try this new med tonight to see if I could be functional come Monday. Now that is all fucking messed up. My PT won’t be happy if I cancel. I could possibly reschedule my chickenshit PCP appt. I really don’t know why I need to see him anyway other than to slap him silly for doing this to me. Only has taken NINE fucking months to get to where I am right now, and I still have to wait till Monday to have a change in meds. NINE FUCKING MONTHS of back and forth. Jumping through hoops left and right. All the while planning my suicide because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t fathom going on in this amount of pain day after day on the meds I was taking that was only putting in a dent on the pain. It helped but I had to keep myself loaded every six fucking hours and then take a breakthrough med that lasted only four fucking hours. I only have enough to last me until Monday if I don’t flare. If I flare, Monday I will have zip. I am trying to figure out what kind of pain med schedule to be on until Monday. Severe pain doesn’t stop with one pill. Fuck if it did, I would only be taking one pill every couple of hours. But I need two and frankly, more than two doses aren’t going to last me. Panic is high, which I am trying to calm myself because that can send me into flare mode.

I am supposed to go to a cousin’s vending place tomorrow. I don’t know how much standing/walking will be had. I still don’t know if I will flare later tonight because of all that I did today. I am so mad that I left his office only for a half hour later for him to call me. Like what the fuck. I shouldn’t have left until he called right then and there. I emailed my psychiatrist about all this. She won’t get it until next week as she is on vacation. If she was around, I would call her. So between being pinged to my pain doc back to my pcp back to pain doc back to pcp, I am now back to pain doc to get my pain hopefully under some control. Who knows, maybe I can put my plan off if it works out.

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