Hurting and done with docs

I am hurting. I talked to my psych who wanted me to talk to my pcp on the phone after all that happened. I’ll send him a card. My endo is setting me up with a pcp that might be better. Ok I have high standards but being in chronic pain you really don’t want to be jerked around after you’ve seen 20+ doctors, 3 who have said I have CRPS yet my former pcp not believing nor the doctor that he sends me to. I’ve had enough of seeing every friggen doctor in Boston and surrounding areas in every possible specialty. Took 8 years and now I may be permanently disabled because of the delay in care. I love my psych and we work well together. I really wish there were more doctors like her. But they are too far and in between and I am tired of trying one last time just to get nowhere. So when I tell my pcp I have increase in bone pain that wasn’t there before and he blows me off, sorry. You’re fired. I don’t care how nice he is. And he is nice but he doesn’t want to deal with complex medical issues that a primary doctor should deal with. I hope the PCP my endo doc is sending me to can deal. She said he is nice. I said the doc I am seeing is nice too, but doesn’t want to deal with my complex medical stuff. In some ways, I am glad because after one the NPs asked inappropriately about my gender reassignment surgery when I was seeing her for a sore foot, I kind of lost faith in the office. I am hoping being in a transgender practice will be different. My endo said there are support groups and stuff there so will look into it when I have my first visit.

I am in pain and canceled my appointment with my therapist for Monday. I have PT in the morning and I am not going to somehow fly 5.6 miles (9 km) to his office. Taking the T is just too rough. I don’t have time to go home and rest because by then I will have to go as he has a 24 hour cancellation policy. I am kind of pissed at him still for telling me to Google relaxation tips when I am having anxiety about sleeping due to pain. I mean, WTF am I seeing him for if I can just use Google??

I came home from my appointments and I was hurting. Both calves were sore like I had been walking all day. I have no idea why they were hurting. I put the heating pad on my right one soon as I got changed into my PJs. Then my foot felt like it was being crushed. My mother then said dinner was ready. Well, I will be down when I can figure out a way to go downstairs. My right heel is killing me every time I stand. I already took a pain med. I hope this isn’t one of the I can’t sleep if my life depended on it night. I really would like to do some baking tomorrow. I am out of cookies and the monster is getting angry, lol. I also want to make a key lime pie. I have no idea if I will like it as it is made with jello and yogurt mixed with cool whip. Sounds good anyways. Whether it will, who knows. I almost ate the yogurt today as I came home hungry and needed food. I had a pop tart instead.

Tonight, after I had dinner. I was washing my hands after the bathroom and was looking at my chin. There was nothing wrong with it except it looked more angular. I don’t know if I am noticing things or what. No one said anything when I posted my transition pics so I don’t know. I am tired. I took my night meds and HOPE they fucking make me sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two of Harry. Last night I read a chapter of John Grisham’s Sycamore Row and then finished the chapter of Harry Potter I was on. I swear I am addicted to these books. And seeing as it is now Feb, I guess reading two books in January isn’t going to happen. I have a few books lined up once I finish the Harry Potter books. I just got to make a commitment to actually spending time reading rather than just being on social media. I wish I brought a book today as I had 40 minutes to kill as I was early for my psych appointment.

I will be going up on my mood stabilizer this weekend. I really haven’t had any side effects so that is good. I was hoping to jump to 100 mg but she wants me to go to 75 mg for two weeks. Oh well. I still need to figure out how to pay for one of my meds as I am short. I miscalculated my med budget. I thought I would be able to get the T later this month, which I still might, but depends on how much I go up. I have no idea why my doc ordered an estradiol level. I can never figure out how to interpret the result. It is low whatever phase I am in, which it should be as I am on testosterone, duh. But I am still producing it which means, I hope, increasing the dose of T. I see her in four months for another check. She is nice and I do like her. I just wish she fricken told me she was in the TG program! Damn. It would have been easier for me to bring it up, but no matter. I am started on my transition and now I just got to adjust my T to get manlier.

any thoughts?

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