Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

up very early

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Up very early

I woke up around 0130 and never went back to sleep till around 5ish. I slept for maybe an hour before I just decided to get up. I wanted coffee so I made some. Now I seem to have settled down so I might get a nap in. I took my morning meds. I am so tired. My arm is feeling sore but it is ok. It isn’t that bothersome like it was earlier this morning. I had taken my BT meds and it helped. I hope I get the refill on it soon as I am almost out.

I hate when I have an insomnia night. I just feel like crap. I am debating on whether to go back to bed or just stay up. I don’t have PT until 4pm, which is like eight hours from now. I don’t know what I am going to do with my time. Twitter is slow as people haven’t gotten up yet.

Today is one month till my birthday. I feel weird getting older. For a long time I often thought of ending my life on my birthday. But I never was really able to do it because it is so close to Christmas. Now I feel that is behind me and I am sort of looking forward to my birthday even though it will be a crummy day. Last year we didn’t celebrate my birthday because my mother was in the hospital. She still called me to wish me a happy birthday. But it wasn’t the same. We were going to celebrate my birthday when she came home but we never did. I kind of liked the not celebrating but I missed my mother being there for my day. I was really sad that she was alone in a hospital suffering from the effects of Covid. Thankfully she survived it and is much better now than she was a year ago.

Today is going to have to be a day where I put my bladder on a timer because the urge to pee is not present. I don’t remember the last time I went though. I think it was around 5 that I went. But I had coffee so I should go in an hour as the NP wants me to go 2 hours after I have coffee because it irritates the bladder. I keep trying to figure out if cathing is a disability or not. I know the reasons for the cath can be a disability but I don’t know if having to self-cath is or not. I meet with the NP in January. I had a meeting with her in Dec but it conflicted with my eye appointment so I canceled it.

I dragged my ass to PT. I didn’t want to go as I was so damn tired. I took a brief nap between 1 and 2. It was the rest I needed to get going. I had dry needling done at PT. OMG did it hurt but now my arm feels better and I hope that I won’t wake up in pain tonight. I need to continue to put heat on. She said my muscles have a lot of knots. I am not surprised and that is why I am hurting so much. She gave me a way to sleep that I am going to try tonight. I don’t know if it will work but I am willing to try anything at this point if I can sleep through the damn night.

I have so many pillows on my bed. One I sleep on and the others I just hold or have between my legs for back support. As I was laying down in PT, I almost fell asleep. I was so comfortable. I just had dinner of cereal. My sister brought home a little pumpkin cheesecake. It was very good and hit the spot. I just hope I don’t react with the ginger that is in it. I am allergic to ginger. I will be taking Benadryl tonight because I want to fucking sleep. I don’t know if that will keep the pain away but I got to take something to sleep. I reached out to my PCP about not sleeping and the nurse suggested I get in touch with the shoulder surgeon. If I don’t get any sleep tonight, I will call him tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will have someone as it is before the holiday.

not sleeping due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Not sleeping due to pain

Yesterday I was in bed all day sleeping. I was expecting to wake up around 1am feeling ready to go but the only thing ready to go this time around was my bladder. My arm was sore but after I woke up and used the bathroom it felt better. I didn’t stay awake too long. I just looked at my messages and then went back to sleep. I woke up again around 4 in mega pain this time. My arm and shoulder were hurting so bad. I sat up to try and alleviate some of the pain. I didn’t want to take anything because usually moving it helps to ease the pain. I did take some ibuprofen. I was hungry but I didn’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I thought about making coffee but it was really early. Pain settled down enough so I laid back down and slept for another hour or two until my med alarm went off. I shut it off but I didn’t take my meds. I just rested till around 10 when I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I used the bathroom and then made coffee.

I was hungry but I didn’t know what I wanted to make. It was either cheesy scrambled eggs or a bacon sandwich. I took my meds and thoughts it over. I decided to make bacon as that would require less movement. I also made another cup of coffee.

I had therapy today and was all over the place with talking about my BFF’s situation and how I felt about it and losing my second mother. I was more emotional as I talked about it. I almost started crying. My arm was throbbing as I finished my third cup of coffee. I told her my Thanksgiving plans and how much I was looking forward to the turkey and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite holiday. She asked what self-care I planned on using during this time. I said I would shower more and color. I told her I have been reading more than coloring. I also was writing to get things out. I told her I had support on Twitter which has developed over the past six months or so.

I told my mother I would make dinner tonight but after my shower my arm flared up big time and I am in agony. I told her I couldn’t cook. Now I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner. I might have a bowl of cereal. I bought Oreo cereal and it is pretty good. It is all I ate yesterday. One bowl of cereal for the entire day. It is all I wanted to eat. I haven’t been having more than one meal a day for the past couple of weeks. I am just not hungry. But today I will be having two meals as the cereal will be my second meal of the day. I might have cookies to top it off.

Puppy pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Golden retriever puppy

Saturday blog 20112021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 20112021

I had woken up early because my nitwit sister was vacuuming the downstairs before 8 am. WTF I got up to use the bathroom and take my meds. I then went back to sleep once the vacuuming stopped. I just didn’t want to get up. I woke up a couple of hours later with my arm killing me. I had to get up. I decided I wanted oatmeal to eat with my coffee. It was cold out on the porch where the oatmeal was. My mother was yelling at me to shut the door.

I brushed my teeth and shaved after I had breakfast. I went up to my room not realizing I left my phone in the kitchen. Rats! I went back downstairs to get it. I turned on my music player so I could listen to Taylor. I have been listening to her all week. I really love the new songs.

Hard to believe November is almost over with. Next week is Turkey Day. I cannot wait. It is my favorite holiday. I am grateful I have another year with my mother, even though she drives me crazy. I plan on making butternut squash. I would love to make my pumpkin poke cake but I would be the only one to eat it. And it takes up too much room in the fridge because it needs to be there. My cousin said she will be making a pumpkin bread and will be sharing some with me. I love pumpkin bread. I get it from Starbucks every time I get a drink there.

I need to put some heat on my arm today. I don’t know what else to do for it. I just made another cup of coffee while I was in the kitchen. My mother needed her glasses. I gave them to her while it was brewing. I really don’t know what I want to do today. My psychiatrist encouraged me to write my trans memoir but I don’t know what to write about anymore. I think I am up to thirty pages or so. I just don’t know where to go. I should read it and maybe write more on something. I don’t have chapters or anything. It is all in one document things that I thought to write like how I came out and stuff with my mother accepting me, the misgendering. I included some blogs that I wrote about transgender. I might look in my “don’t call me daughter” blogs and see if I should add another one. Trouble is some of the blogs start off with transgender stuff and then I get off tangent.