Category: Bipolar Disorder

trouble with being awake all night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trouble with being awake all night

Because I was awake most of the night, I slept all day. I really wanted to get up around 1400 but I just couldn’t bare to get out of bed. So I took another nap until my mother called me about an hour later. I was too lazy to turn over to reach for the phone so I let it go to voicemail. I had to get up anyways to pee so it wasn’t like a big deal. Except it was to my mother. She was pissed I didn’t answer the phone. What the fuck ever. I couldn’t deal with her. I made a bagel and then went back up to my room. It was the only thing I ate all day, to that point.

My brother in law called me about two hours later asking if I wanted pumpkin pie. I was in the middle of the BPD chat so when that ended, I went downstairs. I had two pieces and it hit the spot just lovely. I should have brought one of my recycle bins down but I didn’t think of it. I will tomorrow. I am not in the mood to do anything today.

It was cold and rainy most of the day so I am glad I didn’t go out. I have to tomorrow. I want to work on my book and go to Starbucks. Tomorrow is the last day I can collect 150 points by ordering a frappucino. I ordered the other two items. I don’t really like frapps but I will have it to collect points. I really hate their new point system to get free drinks. It’s really stupid. Before, you just needed like 12 drinks to collect one free one. Now you need points per item or dollar spent. I don’t even know how it works. I just know you need like 203 points to get a free reward. Stupid.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight. Nerve pain and physical pain. Oh joy. Makes me wish I was fucking dead. I took my night meds earlier than usual because I have been so sleepy. But pain is keeping me up. I took some pain meds a couple of hours ago but I didn’t note the time. I think it was around 1600 or so. I can’t take another dose for another two hours. I’ll just take some Neurontin for the nerve pain and hope for the best. I really hope I get to sleep soon. I am just really exhausted from dealing with pain all the time.

It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

I woke up about a half hour ago because I had to tinkle. Then I checked my messages on my phone. I have been following in which the writer wrote, intensely, about her therapy experiences. I haven’t heard from her in a while so just figured she go busy in the “real world”. Turns out, she has decided she isn’t going to blog anymore so she has a more “real” connection to her therapist and her friends. That is fine, if it works for her but I will miss reading about her therapy struggles and experiences.

It got me thinking about my blog. I have written consistently every day for the past year. Some times I write two blogs a day, sometimes more, depending on my mood and my pain levels. I need this blog because it helps for me to write. Sure I can journal my experiences but I know there are people who suffer from my condition and I know it helps them feel less alone by reading my blog.

I know that if I was working, I probably wouldn’t be blogging so much. I probably wouldn’t have time for it as I would be so exhausted I wouldn’t be able to write. But I feel connected to the blog world because I write every day. I might not get comments from different people but when I do, I enjoy them. It makes me feel like I have a purpose with my writing, that I do connect with people. I check my stats and know that people from around the world read my blog nearly every day. I like that.

It’s raining out. I hope it stops later because I really want to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I won’t have enough for the week to put it in my weekly pill box. It’s one of the things that I need to do today is fill that box up. I have gotten quicker at filling it so it’s not a hassle anymore. I think when I am tired it’s more of a hassle. But it’s got to be done because I need to take my meds for the week.

After I came back to my room from the bathroom, my foot started acting up. Now it’s really acting up. I hate when it gradually works it way up to a crescendo in such a short period of time. It drives me crazy because it take a while for the pain meds to work and in the mean time, I am in agony. I hope the pain meds get me back to sleep.

I was wrong about the Nebraska and Ohio State game being a nail biter. It was more of a blow out. OSU won 62-3. The Nebraska quarterback got hurt. His head hit the grass like a basketball and was knocked out briefly. I doubt he is going to play next week. I bet he has a concussion. I feel bad for him because he was a good quarterback. And it was obvious by the score his backup didn’t play so good.

I don’t know if the Pats are playing today. I have to check the schedule. I should download it on to my phone but there are only 6 games left in the season so I am not sure it’s worth it. I haven’t really watched any games all season from beginning to end, just catching a quarter here or there. Football doesn’t interest me as much as baseball does. I only watch it because it’s a sport that I like watching after baseball season. Only thing that sucks about football is that it’s played once a week. The media builds the hype around the games and then it either lives up to it or not. Drives me crazy.

Think I am going to try and go back to sleep. Thanks for keeping me company.

Saturday Blog 68

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 68

I had a terrible night sleeping so I just slept all day and had weird dreams. I dreamt that my house was turning into a 5 bedroom house and it was just my mother and I living there. I ordered a new mattress for my bed and decided that once it arrived, I would clean my room by moving it to one of the other rooms, basically switching rooms. But it never happened because I had to pee and woke up. Oh well. Nice to have a dream like that.

My mother is making a fish cacciatore, which I do not like so I ordered Chinese food. I would go to the basement for pizza but I just don’t feel like it. Chinese food is like my comfort food. And I finally found a good restaurant that makes decent General Gao. I have ordered it several times now and it is always perfect.

I cannot wait for the construction to stop at the house across the way from me. It’s basically the house that is at the far end of my backyard. I didn’t think they would work on a Saturday but they are. Fuckers.

I was hoping to write a blog about that article but I just am not up for writing anything except this. I am really tired and think after my food comes, I am going to go back to sleep. It’s kind of weird that I haven’t needed any pain meds today. I hope that is a good sign. But then I have been resting all day. I was supposed to go to a birthday party tonight but I really needed to rest after yesterday’s run around and stress.

Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy as I never went today to pick up my prescription. I think I will drop off the other prescription I need filled so they can sort it out on Monday and then I should have them by Tuesday. It’s so ridiculous that I have to wait to get these pills every single time I get them filled.

I am going to try and bake tomorrow. Depends on how my sleep goes tonight. Right now my damn foot is acting up. Nebraska and OSU are playing each other tonight so I won’t be watching the game. I know it’s going to be a nail biter of a game and I don’t know who to root for as they are my favorite teams. I actually bought a Nebraska fleece pullover today as I don’t have any apparel.

My mood kind of sucks right now. I hate being in pain. I am fricken cold. The temps are in the 50’s but it feels colder than that. I just put on a long sleeved shirt. I’m probably not going to be able to nap now that my foot is acting up. The pain is getting worse. I just had more Chinese food as I got hungry. I really didn’t eat today. I pretty much just had coffee. And then I fell asleep. Coffee hasn’t really done much to keep me awake these days, not unless I have more than one cup. But that would involve cleaning the French press and then making another cup. Too much work, LOL.

I’m going to take my meds early tonight, including my pain meds. I am going to need them to help the throbbing in my foot. I just hope it doesn’t keep me awake all night. It will suck.

rough night of sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough night of sleeping

I didn’t have a good sleep last night. I was up every few fricken hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything, I just kept waking up. I finally gave up around 0600. I just made coffee so that I can wake up without being cranky. I hate it when I don’t sleep through the night.

I need to empty my recycles today. I have two bins full. Actually, it’s my recycle bin and my trash can. I have been lazy to empty it because I don’t want to cause myself pain by going down to the first floor. My ankle is kind of sore today because I made the coffee. I haven’t made breakfast yet. I need to make the bacon I bought or it’s going to go bad. I love bacon sandwiches. And I finally got a good multigrain bread that I like so it will be a super sandwich.

I don’t know why I was so restless last night. I kept tossing and turning as well as putting my foot out of the covers and then putting them back in. I have the ceiling fan going but I am not cold despite it being 30 degrees outside. It was cold in the kitchen though. That is because we have minimal insulation. I had to put my slippers on because I knew the floor would be cold as ice. I didn’t eat anything because I am not that hungry right now.

I sent my psychiatrist the article I plan on writing about later today. I thought about going to Starbucks but seeing as I am drinking coffee, I don’t think I will make the trip out there. I might change my mind later, but I really doubt it. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. The NP was supposed to send my script to the mail order company and instead sent it to Walgreens. So instead of getting a 90 day supply, I only get a 2 month supply. I am very annoyed as I specifically told her to send it to CVS. UGH.

I finally bought my favorite ice cream at Walgreens yesterday when I picked up my meds. I was craving the ice cream called Drumsticks. It’s an ice cream cone with vanilla and then topped with chocolate and nuts. It’s so good. I was going to order it on my grocery order but there wasn’t room in the freezer and I knew if I put it in the downstairs freezer, I would forget about it.

I felt guilty about not texting my therapist about yesterday’s events so I sent her the blog I wrote detailing everything that went on. I then texted her that I was in pain and wanted to cry. Last night despite having my pain meds back, I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep, hence why I was up every few hours, taking my foot in and out the covers. My foot would be hot so I take it out and then would get cold so I would have to put it back under. It was so annoying.

I think I have another cavity on the second to last tooth, next to the one I just got filled. The hot coffee is annoying it and it hurts. Just great. I hope it’s just tooth sensitivity and nothing more. I see the dentist next month for a cleaning. I am sure I will find out then what the problem is. It’s funny because for the first time in 20+ years my psychiatrist asked if I go to the dentist. I was telling her about all the treats I have been making and she want to know about my dental health. She doesn’t know that I don’t brush my teeth often. Mostly it’s because I am an airhead and I forget but lately I have been avoiding it because of pain standing.

I hate it when I drink coffee and then feel drowsy. I am going back to sleep. Will write more later.