Category: Bipolar Disorder

having a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Been having a bad day full of PTSD symptoms. I keep thinking about the last two hours of my father’s life and how much I miss him. He has been on my mind all day. I so want to call him to check in on him but he is no longer here or there. It’s been difficult to process. I have been trying to write about it but it only starts the movie playing in my head again. It starts with the ambulance ride and ends with his death. Then it starts all over again.

I have been trying not to think about it, to distract, to do some grounding but nothing has been helping today. Even though I am on a psych unit, I feel completely helpless. I took a PRN to calm down as it was giving me anxiety. I haven’t slept and should take a nap but I fear that I will be sleepy by 2100 and then I will wake up again at 0400 or earlier.

I told them my plan that has been cooking in my brain. I am still being discharged tomorrow. I don’t know why I told them. My psychiatrist here is very nice and easy going. It was not that hard to get the plan out of my head with him. I am so tired of fighting the demons. I want to give in. But I think of my family and the loss they just went through and I can’t allow them to go through my loss. It is one thing that keeps me going.

My outside psychiatrist finally emailed me with an appointment. I see her on Monday. I am glad because I was getting worried that I wasn’t going to be able to see her for a while. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wanted to see her so I kind of planned my own discharge. I am not any “better” but I am more stable than what I have been. I know that I can

Blustery Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

The wind has been howling all day and doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. It’s nice because it’s cool out. My room is no longer 100 degrees and I have a long sleeve t-shirt on.

I feel blah. I woke up again at 0300. I had to pee but was able to get back to sleep afterwards. I didn’t sleep restfully as I felt I was waking up every hour. Then I felt sick. I think it was because of a migraine. If I wake up feeling nauseous tomorrow it might be because of the zoloft. I might have gone up a little too quickly.

What really sucks is I want to brush my teeth but I am afraid I will vomit. I’m waiting for my stomach to settle down.

I’m very sleepy from taking my morning meds. I think I got to stop the ativan as it’s just knocking me out. I hate taking the meds as I don’t take it in the morning like they prescribed. My psych just wrote it that way so I would have it for prns.

Last night I had a hard time. I was trying to work on my essay of the last two hours of my father’s life and I got wicked upset. The “movie” started playing and I couldn’t stop it. I remember giving him his last dose of medication and then he died soon after. It still feels surreal. I don’t know how to get through this. No one prepares you for losing a parent. When I think of all that my sisters and I have gone through the last few months, it’s tough. He didn’t die alone. He died in his bed and not some nursing home. I keep replaying all that stuff in my head. But the last two hours have stuck with me more than the months previous.

Once I finish writing the story (it’s on a notepad), I will type it up. I might publish it on my blog. I’m not sure. I know it might be password protected so my therapist and psych can read it. I just wish I could plow through and write it even though it’s difficult.

I hope to be discharged Tuesday. That might not happen. I will be upset if it doesn’t. If I didn’t have my stupid pain management appt Friday, I would stay longer.

Saturday Blog 49

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today was a slow day on the unit. We had group therapy in the morning and that was the only group for the day.

Sox were on at 1300 so I watched that till the end of the 12th inning. We won. It was the first game I watched since the start of the season.

I was supposed to work on some writing but don’t have the mental space to write. I got a wicked headache, again. I was supposed to take baclofen around 1700 but no nurse has come to get me. I don’t feel like taking it because it makes me drowsy. At home, I just take it at night but they have it as 3 x a day.

Just had a check in with my contact person. She is like really hyper. I have seen her hyper all on the unit as she has worked several days in a row.

I really would love 2 pain pills right now. My ankle is hurting me so much right now. But they only have my pain meds as 1 pill every 6 hours. This so sucks.

I have been eating most of the day. For some reason, my appetite has been in overdrive today. I am so full it hurts. It’s making me feel sleepy. But I can’t sleep now or I will wake up at 330 again. Past three nights, I have woken up at that time. The attending psychiatrist wanted to put me on another blood pressure pill to see if it helped with my sleep.  I declined because I already take 2 different BP pills. I really don’t want to be on another medicine.

The plan is for me to be discharged Tuesday. I really don’t want to stay longer because I’d like one session with my therapist next week. This has to be the first time I haven’t written her letters while here. But then, I have had other issues going on.

Headache that won’t go away

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Since I woke up this morning, I had a headache. I’ve taken Tylenol and my migraine pill but I still got this stupid headache. I can’t take advil because I take an NSAID. I wish I was home.

I we t to two groups today. The first was about positive psychology. It was a dumb group. The second was group therapy. Most of the people there talked about losing family members. It zoned me out a bit because it brought up losing my father. One woman, who I told I lost my father recently, asked if I was okay. It kind of pissed me off. I didn’t want to talk about the loss. I didn’t feel comfortable in the group. But I talked a little about how “great” my father was.

I haven’t touched the essay I am writing about the last two hours of his death. I had brought that up in group but I didn’t elaborate on what it was about. I haven’t been in a writing mood today because of this headache. I am going to try writing about it later, that is if the sleeps don’t get a hold of me. I have been sleeping since 1430 and just got up to have dinner and write a blog. I didn’t sleep good last night. I was able to get an ativan prn. That might help.

I was shocked that one of the nurses read my New York Times article. I don’t know how he knew as he wasn’t my contact and I didn’t tell him. He told me it was amazing. I am really proud of the piece. I’d link it to this blog but I am on my phone and don’t know how. If you search for love, Hate and suicide you can find it. That is the title of the article. I also have a blog under that name that has the link.

I talked with my mother. She was shocked that I have to be here a week for my “medication adjustment”. She doesn’t understand psych meds. Course I didn’t tell her it was a psych med. But then I am at a psych hospital. She thought I was in Cambridge for some reason. I don’t know what her thinking was. My sister called me after my mother did. I was in group so didn’t have my phone. I had called my sis last night and meant to call her back but I had an attack of the sleeps.

I had a good sleep but unfortunately, only slept till 0230. I was up for a few hours before I finally went back to sleep. I slept 3 hours more and have been up since. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. Getting hot water here takes so damn long. I must have waited at least 20 mins for the water to get hot. I’m just glad I had a chair to sit and wait.

My social worker is really good. She brought me some behavioral papers to see if that would help me. My attending psychiatrist is wonderful. He is going to look up my book. I really like working with him. He is going to increase the zoloft to 100 mg over the weekend. He is the rounding doc for the weekend so I am glad.

I really hope to be out of here by Tuesday. I want to have a session with my therapist next week. I emailed my psychiatrist for an appointment but haven’t heard back from her. I just hope it doesn’t hold up discharge. Otherwise I will make up a date and time.

I am so fucking glad my neurologist’s office called to make an appointment. I had problems getting through so emailed them to call me. It isn’t until July but that is ok. Gives me time to work out my depression and grief.