Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sleepy day on the unit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I must have slept for two hours before I woke up in pain. So I had to ask the nurse for one pill to calm my screaming ankle. It took a while to get back to sleep.

The crier on the floor was quiet so I listened to some music quietly as I didn’t have my headphones. I fell asleep for another two hours and I have been up since.

I met with social worker and doc separately. The social worker said she would work on partial hospitals but I really have no interest in them. I think I got a good team finally that is willing to work with me rather than give me empty promises.

The doc is willing to increase the zoloft to 100. I am to go up tonight and watch for manic symptoms. I never has manic symptoms with zoloft. I told him I want to go up to 100 mg as he was thinking 3 times what I take now. I just don’t want to get sick.

I texted my therapist about writing about the last two hours of my father’s life. She said it might be good to work on it while I’m here. Even the doc I saw said it could be helpful. So after I took my nap, I started working on it. I got to where we were waiting for the elevator at the nursing home then stopped.

This isn’t going to be an easy paper/essay to write. I told my contact person I was going to start writing it just in case I become unglued. I know I don’t have to write this. But I’m hoping that if it’s on paper it won’t bother me so much. It’s like a movie that keeps playing in my head.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know who my team was. I didn’t say anything else other than I was still depressed. It really sucks battling depression for so long all the while losing a parent. He might not have been the best, but he was my father.

So tired and can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to sleep for the past hour and am failing. It’s wicked hot in the room. Despite it being 60 degrees out, the hospital still has the heat on.

The night staff was able to calm down the crier on the floor. I’m grateful because she was the next room near me. If I finally get sleepy, I won’t be disturbed.

I didn’t take all my meds tonight because the floor didn’t have them. So no Trileptal today or my blood pressure pills. Luckily missing one dose won’t matter.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know where I was. It’s the same unit I was on before. For some reason I got an error message when sending it but it showed in my sent folder. I just hope I didn’t send it multiple times.

I am listening to Eric Church to unwind. Record Year has been running around in my brain all night.

Day in the ER

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I will be admitted. I have been here since 0730. Took 4 hours to be seen by psychiatry. Then another three for them to tell me I should be transferred around 2000. I got to take my ocp at that time. I will take it a little earlier before the ambulance comes to take me.

I am feeling depressed. A gentleman came in looking like my father did the last 3 weeks of his life. I’m just glad they put him in a room. It was distressing me.

I had lunch, which was turkey and mashed potatoes with carmelized onions with some squash. I didn’t like the squash. It was the only thing I ate all day aside from my large coffee.

I have been watching channel 5 all fucking day. If I hear one more thing about the stabbing that happened last night, I’m putting my headphones in. I have heard it for 8 fucking hours. Enough!

I hope I get dinner. I’m getting hungry again. But I can do without.

I had a good conversation with another pt. We both have been here for a long time. I gave her my card so we can keep in touch.

I am so exhausted from doing nothing. I’ve been up since 6 and left the house shortly there after. Been at the hospital for almost 12 hours. I know I’m not going to the floor till midnight or so. I doubt I’ll get my night meds tonight.

It kind of stinks that I really didn’t talk about my depression during the evaluation. My psychiatrist filled them in and I just confirmed what she said.

Its killing me to be called her and she. I know I should be used to it but it still bothers me.

random thoughts on hospitalization

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts on hospitalization

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of hours. I don’t know if I will end up in the hospital that I want and might end up at a hospital I was at 15 years ago, before I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. The hospital there was a good place. I got the help that I needed. But I wasn’t taking narcotic pain medication at the time. I hope that they will allow me to take my pain meds.

I also hope they will allow me to take my own OCP. Without these pills I will be screwed and I will have my menses messed up. Most places will allow it and I brought an unused pack with me. I have to remember to bring my charger and my journal because the journal has my medication list in it.

I wrote my mother a little note saying where I was and not to call me because I might not have access to my cell phone while in the ER or on the unit. If I am at the unit I was before, it won’t be a problem. But if I am at the other hospital, I don’t know what their policy is as I haven’t been there in 15 years.

I am very tired. But it’s still kind of “early”. I am afraid that if I go to sleep now, I will wake up before my alarm. I am also hungry but I don’t know what to eat. I probably will just fall asleep anyways so I don’t need food.

I want to email my psychiatrist about going in the hospital ED and whether I will have access to my cell phone or not. I will find out soon enough. This is so hard. I know it needs to be done but the anxiety surrounding it is tremendous. I got to remember to wear my slip on boots and not my sneakers because I don’t want them to remove the shoelaces. I hope they allow me to have my headphones. It will suck not being able to listen to music.