Category: Bipolar Disorder

The Plan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

The Plan

I talked with my therapist today about the hospital. We spent a good amount of time talking about it. She thinks that I need a rest and need to go in because the depression is too much. The plan is that I go in tomorrow morning to the psych ED hospital where I have the majority of my care. I think it will be easier for my psychiatrist to “control” things and get me where I need to be. I just hope I don’t end up in Timbuktu hospital. I don’t know what the bed availability of the hospital that I like is going to be. It might be a long wait. That is why I figure on going in the morning, before my mother wakes up. My therapist said that I should leave a note. I don’t feel comfortable with this idea but it might be better than her calling me every hour, trying to get in touch with me. She doesn’t understand the complexity of going in the hospital and that I might not have use of my cell phone. I haven’t told my sisters yet. The only people that really know are the people of the blog world.

I ate today. But it’s been the only thing that I have had besides an Ensure. Last night I was bitching because I needed $0.55 to complete an order for free shipping from Walgreens.com and around midnight, I spent more than the minimum amount for the same order. I ordered more Ensure as well as the Aspercreme lidocaine cream. I should have just bought it in the store today when I went for my mother. It would have saved me $35. I still can’t believe that I am still suffering from the physical symptoms of depression for the past five months or so. I asked my therapist when this was going to end and she had no answer for me. Five months is a long time for an episode. I hope my psychiatrist read my blog that I wrote last night. It details the depressive episode to a T.

I would have gone to the hospital today but I had no energy to deal with people today or lug my things to the hospital. Just going to Walgreens for a few items that I needed for my stay wore me out. I can’t believe the price of file boards. They used to be 99 cents. Now they are close to $8. Ridiculous. But I need the “safety” ones so I can use them in the hospital as they don’t allow the pointy ones or a nail cutter. I probably won’t use it, but you never know. I also bought a trial size of shampoo. The price of that went up as well. Unreal. Nothing is 99 cents anymore.

I have to take a shower tonight. It has been warm the past few days so I have been sweating. I don’t understand why I stink because I shaved my underarms. I know you can still smell, but it hasn’t been that long since my last shower! I smell like it’s been ages since I showered. I hate it. Because of the warm weather, I am in a quandary of what kind of clothes to wear tomorrow. If I wear shorts, it might be cold when I get discharged. I think even though I will be really warm, I will wear my jeans. I will pack a sweatshirt just in case. I don’t think the temps will be below 40 but knowing New England, it can drop that much. I just have one bag to pack and then I will be set. I just hope I can carry both bags on public transportation without hurting myself.

Hosp vs no Hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hosp vs no Hosp

I have been thinking about this for the past hour, talking it over with the voices. They are loud tonight. I haven’t taken my night meds yet. But I am thinking this, what if I go in the hospital and they smack the “complicated grief” bullshit on me because my father died two weeks ago? I have been struggling with the hospital for more than a month now as the depression was and has been steadily getting worse. I only avoided getting in the hospital a week before my father died because I didn’t want him to die while I was inpatient.

My depression started the last week in January and then got complicated when my father had to go for radiation treatment, then two weeks later was in the hospital because of chest pain. That started his decline. We spent most of March in the hospital with him for pleural effusions, lung collapses, and ascites build up. In April, his ammonia levels were up, causing confusion and more lethargy. His appetite then became non existent and we were told he had a few weeks to a few months to live. Turned out he had just a few weeks. We put him in the nursing home on April 8th and he was gone by April 25th. Not even twenty days later.

In the middle of March, I got started on an antidepressant. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself were rampant. I should have been in the hospital but I became my father’s health care proxy during one of his admissions in March. I couldn’t go in because if they needed my signature while he was confused or needed treatment he couldn’t consent for, I had to be there. It was a delicate situation.

I think starting on antidepressant therapy helped me cope. I still wasn’t eating as I have lost a considerable amount of weight during this time. My last physical in August, I was 218. I am now 203/205. I am struggling to keep this weight because I don’t want to balloon up again. I still don’t have a full appetite like I used to have. Food doesn’t interest me much. I lost a lot of interest in things I used to enjoy. I should be watching the Sox game right now but I am blogging because I really don’t care about the game anymore. It’s lost its appeal with me, and that is not because of the team and all the drama it has this year. I have also lost interest in coffee. I don’t drink it every day like I used to. I can’t remember the last time I made it at home. I don’t go to Starbucks as often as I used to either. I just lost the taste for their coffee, which I used to love. I go there out of habit now but only if I have an appointment in Boston. Otherwise, I just stay at home.

I don’t know if I need to be in the hospital. Sure I am at risk of suicide, that is a given. But will I be helped while being in, is the question. I don’t know if it will annoy me or help me. I don’t know what hospital I will go to. If it isn’t the hospital I was in before, I will hate being somewhere else. The past three years I have been going to this unit when I need to be inpatient. It will be difficult being somewhere else that I haven’t been to before. And I don’t want to be in the ER all day and night waiting for a bed, though I will if that means going to the hospital of my choice. Last admission, I made it to the hospital and was admitted through their admission office rather than through the ER. I just cut the middle man out.

I just really don’t want to be admitted and then have the admission focused on my grief for a father I really didn’t care for or love whole heartedly. He wasn’t a dad by any means. He wasn’t loving towards us, though he probably would have said so. The only time I seen him show affection was when he won at the track and wanted to share his prize winnings. I could go on about the cruelty of the man but I won’t. That will be another blog. I will be damned if some social worker or attending psychiatrist pegs me as a complicated grief stage when it’s only been two weeks and I have been depressed since around the 19th of January. I only remember that date because I know that is when my feelings changed and my appetite became less. The physical symptoms of depression reared it’s ugly head and I was in pain. I was walking in mud. My thoughts were slow and painful. It took me hours to write a 300 word blog. All the while, I would have urges to take a bottle of pills. It didn’t matter which one I took. I just knew to not reach for my pain medication because I was not going to die of liver failure due to acetaminophen. That bottle was not to be touched. All the others were up for grabs. I had a choice or I could take all of them. Mix and match. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t see tomorrow. My hanging myself went out the window because I don’t have a beam. And partly because I don’t like things around my neck except for a tie.

My father died before I could have killed myself. I find this ironic. I know that between my therapist and my psychiatrist, both will make it so I get in the hospital. The only question is what kind of care I will have there. I know I will have a mountain of meds to sort through and I hope they don’t deny me my pain meds. I will not be happy about that one bit. I guess that it’s the care that keeps me from going in the hospital as well as the list of medication that I take. I take around 12 pills every night. I know if I go to the hospital of my choosing, it will be more like 20 pills because they will break up one of my medication. Instead of taking 1 pill, I will be taking 4. I go through this every admission. They don’t have the formulary in the hospital so they make do with another formulary, which means more pills. Guess I will find out tomorrow if I will go in or not. I am scared though. Giving up my rights and my cell phone is hard, even if it is for a little while.

Random 455

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 455

I got the Zipcar today because I had to run an errand outside of Boston. I was getting antsy an hour before I was to go so I requested the car earlier as it was available. I thought there would be traffic as the route I took was having construction. It turned out to be a breeze so I lost no time in getting where I had to go. I had a bunch of time left as the errand only took me twenty minutes. I thought of visiting my Godmother but I didn’t want to upset her as we haven’t seen each other since my father passed away. I didn’t want to run the risk of upsetting her and then leaving her all upset. She is kind of fragile and I would feel really guilty if something happened after I left.

I had like 3 hours to kill. I went to the Square to deposit some cash. Then went to Wendy’s for dinner. I played the powerball for tomorrow night as it’s over $400 million. I played my father’s month and year of birth, my birthday, and my cousin’s birthday. I hope the numbers come out. I returned the car a half hour early. There was no place else to go to waste time. I thought about going to my hometown to be by the water but I couldn’t count on getting back in time with traffic.

By the time I had finished wasting time, I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t make it home in time and peed myself. I was already feeling low and this just dropped me to a new level of depression. I had emailed my psychiatrist last night about thinking of going in the hospital. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in today. I responded with I wanted to talk with my therapist tomorrow and then go from there. There is nothing I need to get done this week except have therapy. I have no appointment with my psych because she hasn’t set one up yet. I think going in the hospital would help stabilize me. I am all over the place with my moods.

I haven’t decided if I am going to pack my Red Sox blanket that I have. I already have a bag that is packed with my clothes and writing stuff. I just don’t know which ER I want to go to. I just asked my psych if the psych ED part of the major hospital I go to is open again as it was closed a couple weeks ago when I went. I can’t imagine that it would still be closed after all this time but who knows.

It was close to 70 degrees out today. I thought it would be cold so wore a hoodie. By the time I reached the Zipcar, I was sweating. Even with the AC, it was hot in the car so I had to take the hoodie off. Now that I am back in my room, I have the ceiling fan on and shorts. I am sure the temp will drop tonight but I am comfortable for now.

I called the compounding pharmacy where I got my pain cream. They gave me the list of ingredients and faxed over the request to my neurologist. I tried calling my neuro to make an appointment with her but kept getting a busy signal. I never had a busy signal for a doctor’s office before. They either put you on hold or send you to the answering service. I thought the cream had lidocaine in it but it doesn’t. I just hope it works on the patch of my leg that is bothering me. Oral medications doesn’t seem to be doing shit. I hate the nerve pain that I feel because it’s such a helpless feeling knowing nothing you take helps.

made a mistake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Made a mistake

Well, I took a nap. Now I am awake. I am just glad I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow. I do have to be up by 1100, 12 hours from now. What a mistake I made.

I have been thinking about my father. My sister made some pictures that my cousin gave us to look at. Most of them are pictures with my mother and him. One was taken before I was born so they were either dating or just married. I want to go through them again but the pictures make me sad. Tomorrow marks two weeks since he passed. Yet it feels like yesterday. I still don’t feel anything but sadness. I think I am going to call the social worker sometime tomorrow and talk with her about my feelings about grief. I just feel like I am going nuts with the loss of my father and it is something I wasn’t expecting. One day I will write about the day my father died but not tonight. It’s weird not getting phone calls anymore about his decline.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter. Her new CD is full of grief and sadness. It brings me low yet also brings me comfort. I love her voice. The name of the song that I really like is called “map of my heart”. I need to make a copy of the CD for a couple of friends. I hope they like it as much as I do.

I think I am going to go into the hospital sometime this week. I really feel like I need support and I am struggling with my depression like I have never felt before. I know I can go up on the Zoloft, but I really don’t want to. I am too afraid that it will make me sick. I seem to be coping with 50 mg just fine, but I am still depressed. I am also at times suicidal. I don’t think I will be in too long. Maybe a week or less.