Category: Bipolar Disorder

post 1725

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, mood disorders

I had therapy today and all we did was talk about the passing of my father. Then I waited, in his apartment, for a while for the oxygen man to come remove the equipment they delivered yesterday. It was hard being in his apartment alone. I have been up since 0600 so after my therapy appointment, I took a snooze. I slept in his easy chair, not his bed because that would be too weird. My father had a clock that whooshes and birds call on the hour. I think when he heard it, it made passing easier. Today I heard it while talking to my therapist and busted out laughing. She didn’t get the joke. I tried to get her to understand but I was laughing too much. He loved that clock.

I am brain dead. I am going to take my meds and call it a night. Got to be back at my father’s apartment by 0930 tomorrow. I tried to rent a zipcar but because of this stupid oxygen tank bullshit, I had to cancel my reservation. I am pissed. But if the guy comes before 1000, I might still be able to make it. We’ll see.

Solemn Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.

Difficult Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The side of my leg has been killing me the last few days. Today was the worse of it. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I am not having back pain with it nor is it radiating pain. It’s like this patch on my leg is throbbing really bad. It’s worse if I am sitting in a chair. I have been visiting my father for the last few hours. He only has a few more days to live.

I talked with my cousin today and she is going to let his surviving brother know, though he isn’t in too great of health either. He is 90 and has dementia. I have let my other cousins know via Facebook that live in France. I don’t know how else to communicate with them as I don’t have their numbers and I don’t speak French. I had to use Google translator to send them the message. I didn’t want to do it this way but I am out of options.

Tomorrow is going to be tough because I have to deal with setting up my father going home. I was able to extend his insurance through an appeal but the nursing home can deny it and bill us anyways so it’s better to take him home with us to die. The social worker said that they will set up services and stuff before discharging him so I am hoping that to be the case. This just buys us some time to actually get those services where he lives. Hospice is coming in the morning so I have to be at the nursing home early. I just hope my leg pain is gone by then.

I have been going through some difficult emotions today when I saw my father. He was sleeping and then would become agitated and restless. We had to give him morphine because he was in pain and Ativan to keep him calm. He is not communicative anymore so we have no idea where it hurts. He also has been having the hiccups which seem to be painful for him. It gets him all upset afterwards and my sister has to calm him down. It was hard to watch as I felt so helpless. My youngest sister was in tears watching him today. I don’t know how much more she can take. She tries to be strong but I know she is hurting inside. I wish I could talk to her but I don’t know what to say as I am going through it, too.

I am feeling really distraught over this. Being in physical pain isn’t helping. Last night, I found out I have bruises on my ankle and I have no idea how I got them but it’s making my ankle pain through the roof. I just want to take a bunch of pills and see if I sleep till oblivion. But I can’t do that because I have other obligations. I really need to be in the hospital but I can’t until after the funeral.

Anxiety surrounding death

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.