Category: Bipolar Disorder

Disappointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disappointment

This is today’s Daily Prompt from WordPress. I have been trying to think of something to say about this but I got nothing yet have a lot to say. It’s hard to get the words out. Today is one of those days where I am just staring at the screen wondering what to say. So I will just say what is on my mind and hope that I find the words to tell it.

My mother’s sister is a bitch. I do not like her at all because she is so conniving. She likes to talk about anything and everything yet it’s always about other people and how they acted. She is the biggest hypocrite out there. What really pissed me off this week is that she has been telling people about my father. She hates my father as much as he hates her. Now I hate her even more for talking about my father behind his back. I found this out because I told my cousin that lives in Texas that my father was dying. He said that he already knew because of my aunt. When she was over the house yesterday at my niece’s party, I so wanted to say something but I knew I would be upset and start crying and there were other people at the party so I kept my mouth shut. It still bothers me that she wants to find out things about him to invoke sympathy for her, not for us. That is her game. I don’t like it at all.

I really wanted a tuna sandwich today but I am out of the tuna I like. I felt like going to the store to get it but I really need a shower and I just don’t feel like taking one. I will eventually today, but not right now. I am waiting for someone to call me back about hospice for my father.

I am not in good space. I really feel like I need to talk to someone about the stress I feel about the upcoming few days. It doesn’t look like my father is going to die in the next 48 hours so he will most likely be sent home on Monday with services. This is because his insurance will no longer pay for his stay at the nursing home. It’s a tough situation and it’s putting extra stress on me and my sisters. It doesn’t help that my ankle is being a brat right now and I am in mega pain. I took some pain meds and I am getting sleepy from it. I so want to take a nap but I am waiting for a callback from hospice to see if they provide services my father’s town that he lives in.

For the first time in months, my hunger has returned. I have been eating today. Not a lot but enough to get by. I think the physical symptoms of depression are now behind me. But we’ll see. Tomorrow might be totally different.

After the Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

After the Party

I left the party soon after the cake was served. I had two slices and a lot of pizza. My sister had made this flatbread type pizza with I think pita bread and it was so damn good. I couldn’t stop myself from eating it. I overate and my stomach is killing me. My ankle was bothering me and I couldn’t stand being near my aunts and uncles so I left. I went to my room and watched a few episodes of Friends.

After the shows, I started feeling palpitations. Now I feel psychache and I want to die. I just don’t want to live anymore and am contemplating drinking gin. I just took my night time dose of pain meds. Alcohol would not be a great idea. I just want to feel numb. Drinking will do that. I have thought of going in the hospital. But I know my family needs me and it’s killing me. The next few days are going to be tough. I just don’t know if I can be there mentally. I am already stressed to the max.

My biggest fear about my father being home is that if he ends up being in pain, we can’t alleviate it because he can no longer swallow. His mouth is just too dry from the dehydration. He can barely spit his phlegm out. Then I worry about falls, either with my father or my sister transferring him. We don’t have a wheelchair so I don’t see how we are going to get him to the bathroom should he need to go. I know he isn’t eating or drinking and his kidneys are shot but he still needs to poop. And wheelchairs are expensive. My sister thinks that we can just get an ambulance to transport him home. I don’t think she realizes that is not how ambulances work and even if we did, we would have to pay for it and it could be at least $1000 or more. I just have a bad feeling about this and unfortunately, there are no other alternatives. We can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home.

I just don’t know what we are going to do. We know he doesn’t have that much longer but we can’t make it go any faster. I just feel awful. I am tired and I need to sleep but my worries are keeping me up. I never showered. I might do that tomorrow. I hope I sleep through the night. Last night I went to bed early and woke up around 0200. It just stinks having broken sleep on top of being depressed and grief stricken.

I am tired of fighting my suicidality. I want to give into it so badly. I want to get a life insurance policy so my family doesn’t have to worry about my funeral expenses. But suicide is usually excluded from policies or you might have to wait until the policy matures or something. I am actually kicking myself for living through my birthday because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my father dying and shit. I would be fucking dead. I’m going to drink and take some Ativan after I take my night meds. Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.

Just Another Day II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day

I had my pain management appointment. For some reason, the new system kicked out my medication that I take so the medical assistant had to put it back on. It was the only medication not listed. Weird. I talked with the NP about the situation with my father. After the appointment, she gave me a hug, which I thought was nice. She is a good person.

Today is my niece’s birthday. Kids are over the house but the food isn’t out yet. I only had Ensure for my breakfast and lunch because I wasn’t hungry. I still am not hungry but I will try and have something at the party. I am down another six pounds according to the scale at the doc’s office. This keeps up, I can be at my target goal by the end of the year.

I still feel an overwhelming sadness around me. I still have my menses which is aggravating the fuck out of me. It should be over with by tomorrow or Sunday. I need to take a shower because I feel gross but it will have to be after the party. I don’t know if taking the shower is going to aggravate my ankle and I don’t want to miss the party because of pain.

The hardest part of this, other than my father actually dying, has been my gender identity issues. I have had to play the role of daughter the past few weeks and it has been killing me. What is worse, is that everybody has been calling me my birth name, which I hate. Having my menses always fucks with me but having to be a “daughter” rather than a “son” is just painful. I have had to grin and bear it because there is nothing more that I can do. It’s like no matter how much progress I make with transitioning, there always seems to be a few steps back. And it hurts.

The stupid bus was late on my way home. My ankle is not too happy with me right now. I went downstairs to get some chocolate. I was going to have a bowl of cereal but I never opened the new box and I didn’t feel like going to the porch to get it. I’ll just have to wait for the party food.

Breakdown here

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Breakdown here

Today I broke down, while at the nursing home. My younger sister snapped at me and that was it. It started a cascade of tears and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried. Then I would get my composure, start talking and the tears started up again. I finally stopped but after I wrote to my psychiatrist about the ridiculousness of the day, I started up again and couldn’t stop. I was in my room and thought I had privacy until my middle sister came to check on me. Then I cried harder. It was such difficulty to stop when I couldn’t.

Found out my middle sister reads my blogs. So I kind of had to stop posting on FB my posts. I will lose some views per day but least she won’t be “spying” on me. She was reading my blogs to check up on me and I had no idea until today. She and my other sister were upset that I didn’t tell them my thoughts on how long my father had left. I told them that it could be a few days to a week to ten days or more.

I am really tired and in pain. I have been up since 0400. I left the house early because I wanted coffee even though I had made a cup at home. I just needed to get out of the house. I didn’t have a breakfast sandwich today because I wasn’t hungry. I had a black bean burger and some baked beans for my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with a bottle of water. I just am not hungry today. Last night after we left the nursing home, my sister took us out to eat and I was still kind of full from that. My stomach is just not the same as it used to be. I lost a few more pounds though I am still not less than 200. I am working on it though. I will be weighed tomorrow when I go to my pain management appointment.

I did a stupid thing today. My father needed to use the bathroom while I was there. It was just me and I thought I would be able to handle it. Wrong. He lost control of his legs because he was so weak and I had to lower him to the floor because I couldn’t maneuver him back to the bed. I had to call for help and the nurses looked at me like I had three heads. I was like WTF. I hurt my back in the process. I think it’s just soreness and I hope it goes away. The whole episode left me very upset. Hence why I was so tearful.

My ankle is killing me and so is my foot. I feel like I should ice it but sometimes that makes it worse. I have already taken multiple doses of pain meds. I might have to take a strong one to calm it down. I think I might have twisted it without realizing it while dealing with my father. Course, I have been standing a LOT the last few days on it so that might be another reason why it’s so damn painful.

After I wrote my psychiatrist the email, I became really suicidal. I would have slashed my throat or something if I had the means. I was desperate to die. I texted my therapist that I was having a breakdown. She called me a few hours later to find out what was going on. I told her that I really wanted to be in the hospital but can’t because I have a meeting with the nursing home people on Tuesday and because I am the health care proxy, I have to be there or they can’t give out any information to my sisters. Next week is going to be really tough because the insurance my father has runs out and the state insurance is still in process. They are so damn slow. My father could die while waiting for the application to go through. I’m still hoping that he does die but an assessment today said that he could live for the next 10 days or so. It’s going to put a financial burden on us if the thing doesn’t go through. We don’t have the money to pay the nursing home fees. I don’t know what we are going to do if we have to take him home. I just worry that comfort measures won’t be so suitable in my father’s apartment like they will be in the home. Just add a little more stress to my life, why not!