Category: blogging

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.

Quote of the Day 5 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

If the pain were relieved then the individual would be willing to live. Nobody wants to embrace pain; we just want to get out of the way of the hooves that hurt us.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Do Nothing Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing Tuesday

I had therapy today. It was productive. We talked about the multiple texts that I sent her during my anxiety attack that I had yesterday afternoon/evening. She said that it was all PTSD related. I told her I was going out of my mind and she said next time try and move around, not stay in the same space. I suppose I could have left my room so I wasn’t so isolated. But I also didn’t feel like being around my mother. She doesn’t understand my illness and would not be helpful at all. If anything, it would worry her. And I don’t need anyone else knowing that I have anxiety brought on by pain. I tried to get someone on twitter to respond but got nowhere. I had people on Facebook help, but they were thinking panic attacks and I wasn’t having that. I was just really anxious and shaky. I wasn’t hyperventilating or feeling like I was going to die, or any of the other symptoms of a panic attack. It didn’t reassure me that my therapist said it was PTSD, but I guess that is better than what I was thinking, general anxiety disorder.

We talked about the needs and I explained what the difference was. I don’t know if she was writing it down or not. It sounded like she did because she asked me to repeat some of the words. We spent some time talking about it and how it could be useful for us. It was a long list but it is what it is. Tomorrow we’ll talk most about it. She also wants me to star my texts if they are important so we can talk about them during session. I don’t know if I can remember to do that when I am in the fit of emotion. She also wants me to send her more blogs. I only send her the ones that are pertinent to our conversation. I will have to ask her tomorrow what she means by that. I write a lot of blogs lately so I need to know what she wants. And stupid WordPress doesn’t make it easy to share the blogs. It’s kind of stupid that you have to view it in order for you to share it. It was easier before they did the update. I have to do it on my phone so I can text message her.

We didn’t get to talk about the depression. She did want me to talk to my pdoc about my mood stabilizer. Today I am not feeling like doing anything. I am really tired because I woke up at 0600 again. I fell back to sleep and that just did me in for the day. I had no energy to do anything. Even now I am struggling to stay awake. I even had a cup of coffee. It was good and strong so I don’t know why it’s putting me to sleep. Only meds I took today was my BP meds and they don’t make me sleepy. I have been on them more than a year now. I think not sleeping yesterday just got caught with me today. I knew I wasn’t going to go out, though I tried to do an errand for my mother. It was a good thing because I emptied my bank account so I can get a haircut and get a birthday card for my Godmother. Her birthday is next week. I don’t think I will be seeing her. My cousin’s birthday is Friday. I have to remember to text her even though she is on vacation. All these birthdays. Today is my sister’s. I really don’t feel like getting dressed to go over my other sister’s house but I have to. I hope they have the cake early so I can go home sooner rather than later.

My father is over the house. I didn’t go to his house last week because my back was out. He looked like he was afraid to touch me like I was a leper or something. Idiot. He never called to check on me either, not like I was expecting it. My sister took care of the meds, which I was grateful for.

Quote of the Day 3 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Quotes, suicide

There are many pointless deaths but never a needless suicide. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache