A Long Day of Waiting

Long Day of Waiting

I woke up after 0700, which was good. By 0800, I was getting really hungry as I had not eaten anything in more than 16 hours. I was tempted to make pancakes, but that would mean talking with my mother and I wasn’t in the mood for talking. So I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast. It was way early to start my day but I figured after I ate, I could maybe write something. So much for being hopeful. Despite carrying around my notepad that has the new story in it, I haven’t touched it once since putting it in my bag. I don’t know what the mental block is to even looking at the story and possibly adding to it. I think I need a print out of it to work on it. Going through sheets of yellow paper might not be helpful to me. I did write a lot in my journal as I was passing time. By 1000, I wanted to go home and sleep, but I had my appointment to go to and needed to leave Starbucks at noon. If I went home, I would only be home for a short time before having to turn back.

I went to my appointment, which was a waste of fucking time. I waited a half hour to be seen and she saw me for about 5 minutes, handed my script to me, and said see ya later. I was so annoyed. I think when my PCP tells me to have the call in for the script option, I am going to take it rather than waste my time with the nurse practitioner. I could be doing other things than wasting my time for this idiot. My ankle is killing me and I didn’t even do that much today. I didn’t stand too long or walk too far. Oi it drives me nuts. I hate being in pain during the day because it just sucks, especially when I have to go out. I had a hard time walking home because it was being a jerk.

I called Dell and gave them the information they needed to repair my laptop. They will be sending me the box in a few days time and then I ship it back to them. Of course, while I was making the phone call, I had two missed calls. Why must everyone decide to call me when I am using the phone?? One of the calls was my mother, the other unknown. I just don’t get it. My sister is home this week so I hope she can give me a ride to the FedEx stop where I need to bring it. I would take her truck but I can’t drive it because it is too big. Even my brother in law has trouble driving it. What made her get such a huge fucking vehicle, I will never know.

As the laptop is my priority in terms of where my money goes this month, I have to put off the application to Zipcar for another month. This sucks because I wanted to start it this month as it takes a few weeks to process. If I am approved, it won’t be until mid-December. I might have wheels for my birthday to see my therapist, if we are still seeing each other then. I am really nervous about our appointment tomorrow. She hasn’t answered my text if her phone is fine and she hasn’t read my blog, yet. It could be that she is busy and hasn’t had a chance to respond. Mondays I know are hectic. I am hoping that the appointment goes well and things are back to our normal.

I got the songs I was missing from Blake Shelton’s #1 hits collection. They are not my favorite songs, so far, but at least the collection is complete. And it cost me only $3 compared to paying $12 for the entire album. I am happy about this. I don’t know why. I was listening to the playlist I made until I had to listen to some Pearl Jam. I was getting annoyed waiting around, and when I get annoyed, it’s good to listen to Pearl Jam. I listened to almost 6 hours of music on my Bluetooth headset. I was really afraid it was going to lose battery before I got home. I hate being on the bus and not listening to music. I had a spare set of headphones in my backpack, just in case, but I really like the wireless set.

I hope that I sleep well again tonight and don’t wake up before 0600. I really don’t need a long day. I hate waking up so early. I usually am able to grab a nap but I have therapy tomorrow and usually the nap makes me groggy and more tired. I am not sure if I will be going out tomorrow. I might stay in. Depends on how my night goes. I do need to get half and half as I am running low. I should have enough for groceries this month. I need to wait till Wed though. I hate waiting.

Saturday Blog 35

Saturday Blog 35

Blake Shelton came out with his number one hits collection. Rather than buy it, I just thought I would make a playlist. Turns out I have all of the songs except two. So Monday when I get paid, I will get them. I figure I have the songs anyway, why buy the same ones? I am surprised that “Don’t make me” wasn’t a number one hit.

I finally made the bibliography list for the pile of research articles I have. I have them in alphabetical order. The hardest part was creating the actual reference in EndNote. Some of the authors that were the same weren’t recognized so were created as new. It annoyed me. Took me a couple of hours to put together but it’s done. Now I have three more folders to do.

A Twitter friend said that she read two books today. That made me feel bad because I haven’t been reading “Order of the Phoenix” at all the past few days. I read a couple of chapters today, so I will call that a success. I hope to finish or be close to finishing the book tonight. The writing is powerful and gives me anxiety so I have to take breaks from it. Next book I am reading is on the Lusitania. It’s a fairly mid-sized book so it’s going to take me a while to read it. I know I have all this time in the world to read, but I just don’t have the concentration ability to actually do it. Today I am kind of forcing myself to read as I listen to Blake Shelton, when I really want to watch the Nebraska game and just zone out. But watching TV makes me sleepy afterwards and I want to save my energy for the OSU game at 2000. I found out today that baseball won’t resume until Tuesday. If there is a game 7, it will be in November! I don’t know how the MLB can draw out the post season like this. I don’t ever recall post season games going past Halloween. They are usually done by then. I guess the one day play off games really messed with the schedule.

I’m still feeling really depressed. I am tempted to email my pdoc to tell her I am sinking. Then I think, what good will that do? She can’t do nothing about my mood. There is no magic pill she can give me to stop the psychological pain that I am feeling. I am thinking about restarting Zoloft but I am not sure I can with the fricken nausea it gives me. I might be fine for a month or two, but then I always get the dry heaves and sometimes I vomit. Not good. And it always happens when the medication peaks so I didn’t always put two and two together. Before I did, I seriously thought there was something wrong with my stomach acid pill or my stomach. Then when I stopped the Zoloft, everything went back to normal. I wasn’t nauseous anymore. Other than telling her maybe a low dose of Zoloft might help, I don’t think she will be helpful for me. I have to email her next week to let her know how my appointment with my therapist goes. Maybe then I will ask about the Zoloft. Even if it’s a placebo effect I am looking for, so be it. It’s better than being without an antidepressant.

Random 934

Yesterday afternoon, I took a heavy dose of gabapentin. I wanted to sleep so that I didn’t feel anything. Only thing is, it backfired. I woke up around 0200 and then around 0630. Usually, I am able to sleep all night but some reason, I had these sleeping stints. It was very disappointing and now I have a hang over that is not very nice. I need coffee badly. I will make some soon, probably after this blog.

I still feel shitty. I still want to die. I’d welcome a bus hitting me right now and killing me. Or a Mack truck. I just feel so empty and alone. Even though I live with my family members, I still feel like I am an outsider. I don’t really feel close to them. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don’t. I awoke again with ankle pain. I guess it is physical because the gaba would have taken care of the nerve pain. I fucking hate being in pain every single fucking day. I can’t get relief. And add in the heartache of depression, you got some serious pain going on.

While I was on Twitter, they have told me that the drug Ketamine can help with suicidal thoughts but it is short acting. They also say that it helps with depression. I don’t know if it has been approved but if it is, I am going to ask my pdoc about it when I see her next. I can’t go on like this. The psychache is too profound. I know part of it has to do with my therapist situation. Hopefully that will get cleared up when I talk with her next, provided her damn phone works. I know it is frustrating for her, but it’s also frustrating for me because I don’t get to talk to her. Lately we just have been texting each other. We are adults, not kids. Soon as I find out how much my laptop is going to be fixed, I am going to apply for Zipcar. I hope that after three years of not really driving puts my record in good shape. I was denied before because I got a speeding ticket and was in an accident (not my fault) with my car. It was two separate occasions and months apart. The speeding ticket was my fault because I was in the state police area and knew they watched the speed limits. I was dumb and should have slowed down. I still kick myself for getting the ticket.

If I get the Zipcar, I will be able to drive more frequently, as long as I have money in my account. Then I will be able to see my therapist in person so I can smack her silly with pillows. Monday can’t come soon enough. I really want to get my laptop fixed. That is the priority right now more than the Zipcar. I just hope it doesn’t cost me more than what they posted. It will kill me if my entire check is used to fix my laptop.

Today the OSU game is on ABC so I will be able to watch it if I am out of this hangover. Probably going to need more than one cup of coffee today.

Quote of the Day 23 Oct 2015

Suicide involves both inner disturbance and the idea of death as escape. Edwin Shneidman