Category: cauda equina syndrome

seeing this bozo for a while

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had weird dreams last night and this morning. The first one was about saving a moose from death and the second was about me going on a trip with my friend Dave from Australia. I am exhausted because it was really hot in my room and I was sweating. Come to find out, summer has returned to Boston, least for today anyways. I have the AC on so I can cool down. I hate being hot.

I woke up from my weird dreams and got up to take a shower. I had to take one anyways but being sweaty forced it upon me. Surprisingly, it didn’t stress my leg out but did, as usual these days, wore me out. I was starving when I woke up and wanted pop tarts. So after I rested a little while, I got dressed and went to Walgreens. My mother wanted some stuff also. Between the pop tarts and my mother’s items, I was able to redeem $10 of rewards! Whoohoo!! Everything I purchased just came to a little over 4 bucks! I was happy I saved ten bucks. Now I can get the pills that I need before my check comes in.

I am exhausted now. Because of the humidity, I was sweating, again, by the time I got home. I fucking hate humidity!! I don’t mind it being warm out but why does it have to be humid?? So now I am freezing my ass off in the AC. It’s nice!

My niece came home briefly. I saw her for about 4 minutes before she left the house again to go out to dinner with her boyfriend. I miss her so much. She is my first niece so she is like my baby even though she is eighteen, LOL.

I was going to watch the football game but my mother is making chicken cacciatore in the oven. It’s is hotter than hell in the kitchen! So no football watching, just updates on the internet.

One of these days I will get the courage and stamina to clean my room. At least part of it anyways. Don’t think that day will be coming any time soon.

I am not looking forward to my PCP’s appointment tomorrow. 1) it’s in the morning and I am not a morning person. 2) there is a lot of stuff to talk about regarding my pain meds that I am not sure I will have time to cover it all or that I will remember it. I basically need him to change my script so that I am taking more than 3 pills a day. I am taking up to six a day because the pain has become so bad and since they lowered the Tylenol level, I just am not getting adequate pain relief. My blood pressure issues can be dealt with later. I don’t care about it. Right now, all I care about is getting my pain under control. It’s making me unsettled and frustrated that I am out of pills by the end of the month. I wish my pain was at the level it was before where I was taking 3 a day but lately, that is not the case.

I also am weary of seeing my therapist tomorrow. I just found out that my sister is now moving to a new position at her job, which means I can’t have the car whenever I want it. Now, this means that unless I get a zipcar, I will never see my therapist again in person. This sucks. So, I am going to keep having phone sessions with this bozo for a while.

Trouble all over it

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m still sore today. I know I should just go out and work out the muscles but I am too tired. I woke up again at 0630 in pain. It finally settled around 8 so I could go back to sleep for a few hours. I should have shut my phone off but kept it on. Stupid me. Damn thing was constantly a buzz and then my Brother in law called me wanting me to babysit. So by then, I had to get up. Luckily, I didn’t have to babysit too long as my sister came home about an hour later.

I am so tired and don’t know why. I really want to sleep. My leg is hurting me. My right leg is better than it was yesterday. I can move it without pain. But my left is a whole other story. I can’t flex my ankle. I can’t bear weight on the ankle and the damn thing is still swollen. It’s pissing me off. No matter what I do, I am in pain. The few times I have gone down the stairs, have been awful. Going down hurts the most. Coming back up, not so much. I really want to chop my foot off.

Mood wise, I am still feeling ok. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago, well, I guess it’s closer to two months now since I left the hospital. I haven’t been suicidal, though I have thought of taking all my pain medication because the pain has been so awful. I have just enough to last till Monday and then I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t refill my script until the 28th. I have to get my doc to rewrite the order so I can get it filled. If not, I am screwed.

But I have to deal with my blood pressure issues so I don’t know if I will have time to tell him I need more pain pills. I have therapy that night so I hope to tell her I am not going to be in severe pain the next week or so. I might have to take the stronger pain pills, which I am loathe to do because of constipation. It basically stops my bowels and I have to take something or else I don’t go. Oh the joys of pain meds. I have found that taking fiber pills have helped me go. Only problem is that if I take more than four a day (max is six), I have the opposite problem. And with CES, that is just trouble written all over it!

increased pain levels, YAY…NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

I had a long day today. I didn’t sleep good. I hope that I sleep good tonight because I have a big day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. It’s another day with my father and I know it is going to stress me out like it normally does. And the docs wonder why I have high blood pressure! Speaking of those idiots, they haven’t gotten back to me about whether I should be on three medications for it or not. I haven’t gotten the 3rd filled because my pharmacy doesn’t list it as ready. I rather not take it.

I had a stressful therapy session. It was complete with Jekyll coming in and out. I think he is a little guy as he was scared to come out, though he was really angry. Or maybe he is just a part of me that is angry and I won’t let it out. Either way, my anger never was expressed. A lot of memories got stirred. I wrote about it in a password protected blog. It is for my therapist only. I hate having to keep writing stuff in blog format and having her read it that way. If she had email, it would be so much simpler. But no. She refuses so I have to blog things to have her read it. Only other alternative is the old paper and pen letter via snail mail. I have done this and continue to do it. Though, I don’t know who benefits from it, me or her.

My mood was all over the place today. I still am exhausted from not sleeping good. I will be going to bed shortly when I finish this blog and I hope that I do sleep. I have been playing my game on and off since 6 am. I am going to have something to eat and then I am going to bed. I don’t know why I get hungry when I take my night meds. If I don’t eat, I am thinking or dreaming about food. I think I will have a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I haven’t had that in a while.

I had my coffee today. I took a shower. I even brushed my teeth. Not in that order, but it happened. I hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and eat something good as I know last time I didn’t eat for my father’s appointment, I got cranky and wicked irritable. Then I felt dizzy when I got home. Not good! If I have time tomorrow, I will try and get to Walgreens and buy some pop tarts to take with me should hunger strikes. I will need it. I also have to remember to take my BP meds because I forgot to take them today. I hate taking morning meds for that reason. It was easier in the hospital because they nag you until you take them but when you are home, you don’t have that nag. I should take it when I remember to, but this morning my ankle was hurting me and I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

For three days now, I have been experiencing the same pain in my ankle. I think I might have done something to it, but what I am not sure. It is annoying because I can’t bear weight on it. Taking a shower tonight really aggravated it. Last night I had to take extra duty pain meds to quiet it down. But now the pain has shot up again. It is driving me insane. I don’t see my doc until next week. I am going to have him change the order to taking two pills twice a day. That should give me enough coverage that I need, because one pill isn’t doing squat!

I just don’t know anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicidality

I just don’t know anymore

I have been in pain for more than 24 hrs now so if this is a little squirrely, that is why. I just cannot take the pain anymore. It is driving me absolutely insane. I spent the last hour or so writing in my journal things that shouldn’t be mentioned in the blog (stuff my therapist wanted me to write). I felt so ashamed afterwards. I was stuck with images in my head of the events that happened to me. I just want to be dead again. I know it has been at least a month since I last felt this way. Certainly was around the time of Robin Williams’s death. I felt like it was my turn. Well, dammit, why the hell not? I am so sick of being in pain.

I have tried to control my pain but my meds seem to be ineffective. I think I might have to take the stronger meds to break the cycle. But I don’t want to because the last time I took that drug, Jekyll appeared. I am wicked tired and all I want to do is sleep and I know that if I take this drug, chances are that Jekyll will come out. And god only knows what he will write. I find it odd that I have two “alters” and they are both male.

I didn’t take a shower today. I got a migraine and then things kind of went downhill after that. My pain worsened to what it is now. It is throbbing like a SOB and stabbing at the same time. It hurts right at the joint where my foot and ankle bone meet. That area is the most painful right now. I just want relief. I have contemplated taking the handful of pain pills that I have left. It will really suck if I take them because then I will have NOTHING. I know I am going to run out of my meds before the 28th of this month. My doc is supposed to write a 28 day supply but he wrote it for 30 days. Big help, not! I don’t know why I told him I needed less pills. But then, things were going well and I wasn’t in pain as much. The past few months have been awful and I keep meaning to tell him I need more pills because it just isn’t enough but I keep forgetting. Plus I am scared that he will say no. I doubt it, but you never know. I bet if my pain were under control, my blood pressure would be too.

I keep fighting sleep. I know that if I go to bed now, chances are good that I will wake up around midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. I took my meds so I don’t have to get up again but I might have to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of water at dinner because I am dehydrated. I didn’t eat too much, just had breaded cauliflower for dinner. I wasn’t that hungry. Which is good because I feel bloated.

My mother just struggled to get up the stairs. Her life would be so much better if she would take something consistently for her pain. But nope. Won’t even take a damn aspirin. Pisses me off because she always complains she is in pain. I refuse to give her sympathy because I know there are meds out there she can take but she won’t so there.

I have the ceiling fan on despite it being cool outside. I have been having hot flashes for most of the day. It is only about 70 degrees in my room so I don’t know why I have to put the fan on but I am hot and I hate being hot. I think it is because of the damn pain I am in. 24 hours. I didn’t even do too much yesterday so I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. But I guess walking is my downfall. And my sister thinks I will be able to walk a dog. Please. I can barely get to where I need to go without hurting myself and you want me to take care of an animal?? NO. Not happening. Get a cat. I will clean the litter box twice a day. That I can do!

I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. It’s not like I did anything today. I didn’t go up and down the stairs too much, but maybe I did. I never know what is minimal and what is a lot. My body doesn’t bother to tell me until it has surpassed its limit and then tells me the next day or later that night when I want to fucking sleep. It is terrible. Normal ankle movement should not bring you such pain!!!

The only thing keeping me sane right now is listening to music. I need that muse in my head because without it, I think I might do something drastic.