Category: cauda equina syndrome

I can’t win and I am tired of losing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Warning this post is really cynical and sarcastic

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for some time now. It has been taunting me with something to write. So here it is:

I had my useless monthly meeting with my PCP for my pain management. He wants me to lose weight and try a cortisone shot. Neither of which is going to happen. One, cortisone actually does more damage than it helps and second I think I might try starving myself as that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. I just texted my therapist that I will be an anorexic by Christmas. I am sure we will talk about it tomorrow if I feel like answering the phone. I love how my PCP conveniently always forgets that I have nerve damage in that foot. That is why I have a tendonitis that won’t go away. That is why I am in pain every fricken night or worse, wakes me from a sound sleep. I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in almost two weeks. Granted I don’t have much to do at any given day so I can take a nap during the but then it further fucks with the sleep cycle. I can’t win and I am so tired of losing.

I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two appointments by phone and then that is all for the rest of the week. I will start my starvation after Thanksgiving because no use having my mother’s turkey go to waste. I am not going out for coffee. I am just going to stay at home and stay in bed all day or much of the day as possible.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. The ideas were vague but it had something to do with telling a story about being suicidal and how the therapist and client deal with it without resorting to the hospital. If I can get my thoughts together I know this paper will be brilliant.

I didn’t do any editing today. I purposely left the material at home. I don’t want to touch it because I am still in a foul mood, made worse by my PCP and some idiot who really thinks I can starve myself, because yea it is so easy to do. FUCKING MORON. Thanks for the support.

Talking with my therapist today didn’t go good nor bad so I don’t know what to make of it. She kept talking about the blog where I was writing about my suicide attempt when I was sixteen. I honestly don’t even remember sending it to her. It must have been a drunk text. I was drinking during one of the times last week. I would have drank last night but I don’t remember what I did with my bottle. I really want to finish off the bottle. But all in good time.

a little of this and a whole lot of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.

I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.

I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.

I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.

I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.

I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.

Shouldn’t have gone out today

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, suicide attempt

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.

hard day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been having a bad day. I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle. I didn’t get to sleep till after one in the morning and then my phone kept on going off. Some idiot that is an unknown number calls me at 08:40 every single morning. And then will call me an hour or two later. I was too lazy to turn over and shut my sound off. I got up around eleven and took some pain meds and I was completely gone for the day, as what usually happens when I take my pain meds during the day. Funny now that I think about it, this same reaction doesn’t happen at night. I don’t understand why as I am taking the same dose. Weird.

Because my writing partner has taken today off, I decided I would too. It is a holiday after all. And my pain is making it impossible to think anyways.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am sort of looking forward to it. I really just want to spend the day sleeping like I did today. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. It is too fricken muggy and hot in the house to do anything and I stay in my room anyways. I do need to go out. I need to get some half and half for my coffee. I didn’t have any coffee today because I didn’t want it. I can go days without coffee. I like having it but it’s not a necessity. Some days I wake up and feel the need to have it.

Last night I was listening to Luke Bryan’s CD for most of the night. I found that I couldn’t turn it off and it wasn’t until I got really sleepy did I shut it off. They say that music can be addicting and I think I am addicted. I have to listen to music everyday. It doesn’t matter what I listen to. Right now it’s Luke but that might change over the next few days and I will go back to my mixed playlist.

I had a real hard time last night as the pain was driving me nuts. I wrote a second blog that turned into an email. I sent it to my support group. I just got belittled. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings. I was in a very vulnerable state. Some did validate it but some didn’t. Then I found myself getting angry. And I had no idea why I was seeing red. I don’t know why I was getting so upset. These people know what I am going through because they have been there. So I have no idea why I was getting so angry. I still am kind of angry and want to just go off. I think I am just displacing my anger at myself to them. I just felt really bad that I couldn’t go out to see my friend last night because I was in such horrid pain. I sent him an email and then I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying for almost an hour. I never cry. But I just had this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t control. Sadness that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer the person that could do everything and it hurt. I wanted to do so much yesterday and could only do two things. I ran out of spoons. And I found it hard to live with that.