Category: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 11

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 11

I finished off the left over Chinese food for dinner. I am still hungry though. I might make a tuna sandwich later if I am really hungry. I haven’t had it in a while. I am trying not to have an Ensure and eat real food. It’s hard though because the Ensure will fill me up and is around 350 calories. I haven’t been eating more than 1000 calories a day lately which is why I have been continuing to lose weight.

I talked with my psychiatrist. She continued to assure me that what I am feeling and experiencing is normal. She hopes that the “movies” about my father’s death will fade with time. I keep reliving the last two hours of his life. Being in my father’s apartment yesterday for five hours didn’t help me.

While I was describing what was happening to my psychiatrist, I got sad and started to cry a little. I was just overwhelmed with sadness. She wants me to continue to write about my experiences. She said that it was amazing that I could articulate what I was feeling. That made me feel a little better.

My middle sister keeps posting pictures of my father when he was younger. It is kind of bothering me but I understand she wants to express her grief at losing him. She misses him. I don’t. I am still expecting him to call any minute saying he has some type of pain and needs to be taken to the hospital. Or asking me when I will be over his house to do his meds. It was weird filling my pill box this afternoon knowing I won’t be doing my father’s anymore. It is hard. I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess that is why I am still numb at times.

I never wrote the blog for the Daily Post. I started it but my mind kept blanking out. Then the song that has been in my head all day came on my music player and thought some more of what I should write but nothing came of it. I started a letter to my therapist thinking it might get me going. Nope, nothing. I wrote a small paragraph and blanked out on what I wanted to say. Fuck.

I went to Walgreens and got some mailers so I can mail my book to my cousin that wants a signed copy. I also got a thank you card for my father’s PCP. I will mail it when I have the energy to fill it out. Just like I will mail my cousin’s book basically when I am up to it. I am still playing catch up with the blur that was last week. I need a few days of doing nothing. I just want to stay at home. I don’t even want to go to Starbucks. I still have no interest in the Red Sox. I know when they are playing and I follow the tweets on Twitter, but I could care less. I have no idea what place they are in, who is doing well, who is sucking, nothing.

My pain levels are up. My foot has been cramping most of the day and now my ankle is painful. It’s been raining off and on all day so I think that is why. I took some pain meds but I think I need to take Neurontin because my foot is on fire. I think 1200 mg will be a good dose. 900 wasn’t giving me long enough relief.

One day I will write about the events that happened last Monday. I think writing about it will help ease the “movie” that keeps running rampant in my brain. I still feel like I should have done more for him. I know I couldn’t call 911 or something to help him but there had to be something I could have done so that he would be okay. Maybe I just didn’t want him to die. As much as I planned on it and expected it, I still didn’t want to lose my father, even if he was a bastard.

End of a Long Week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

End of a Long Week

Just came from my sister’s apartment. For the last two hours we have been writing out thank you notes for all the support, flowers, and what have you for my father’s wake and funeral. I didn’t think we would get it done this soon. I really didn’t, but my sister is frantic and wants to get everything done now. We still haven’t done his apartment yet. That will be sometime next week. I told my sisters I will take care of my father’s doctors, except his oncologist who was an ass in the end.

Tomorrow I am going to page my psychiatrist like I said I would and then spend the day in my bed, probably writing blogs whenever I feel like it, so be warned. I actually don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow but I know it’s going to be minimal. I did order Chinese food so I have that for left overs. Maybe read a book that I started but haven’t finished yet. The last book I finished was in February. I have the Harry Potter book in my hospital bag. I haven’t touched it in weeks. Then I have Dostoevsky that I haven’t touched since I don’t know when. I really want to concentrate on his book as it’s so long. I really want to start Crime and Punishment after I finish Brothers Karamazov. Those are the two goals I have.

Being at my father’s apartment today really got to me. I felt trapped and isolated, which is probably how he felt with his illness and always being tired. I still cannot get over the rapid decline. My sister gave me a copy of the death certificate and now it’s real to me that my father is gone. Well, kind of real. I am still expecting him to call. I still have his number (though it’s disconnected) in my phone. I still have his dead sister’s number in my phone as well. I just can’t let go of her. I know I will delete my father’s number one day. It’s just not today.

I feel really sad. I am also tired. It’s been a long day with waiting for those idiots. I plan on complaining soon as I get the energy to figure out what I am going to say. It should not have taken them all week to pick up the equipment.

I am feeling suicidal. I just want my pain to end. I got the means to do it. I just don’t know if I have the courage to go through with it because I know how hard it is to pay for a funeral now. I really don’t want a wake or a funeral. Just cremate me without all the hooplas.

Post 1727

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.

Solemn Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.