Category: chronic physical pain

Therapy problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy problems

For most of the week I have been racking my brain to come up with something for therapy tomorrow. I thought these frustrated needs would be something to try, but the words are cumbersome and don’t give away their meaning by looking at it. You have to look it up, least I do to see what the hell I am talking about. And if I don’t know the meanings/understandings of these words, how is my therapist supposed to? I am just frustrated. I have been up since 0600 and I only got a few hours sleep last night so I think I am becoming hypomanic again. I don’t think the mood stabilizer is holding me anymore. I know I should be taking the morning dose but it makes me fucking sleepy. The night time dose keeps me awake and it’s the same medication, same milligrams, everything!! I don’t get it. Maybe taking 1200 mg at night is warranted rather than splitting it. I see my pdoc on Friday so will talk about it with her.

I am really pissed that I haven’t worked out this treatment plan. I was working on it earlier but my pen ran out of ink. Then I started working at home. I got the lists of the modal and vital needs. But the meaning of the words are lost on me. Some of them are straightforward, like validation and affiliation. But words like inviolacy and shame-avoidance need to be looked up. I will get it, it’s just a matter of memorizing and getting used to the terms. But I am tired and my brain is shot from having an anxiety attack mixed with the physical symptoms of depression. I felt like I had a weight on my chest and couldn’t breathe. Then my heart rate shot up because my pain did and I was a cooked goose. Trapped in my own skin, I couldn’t stand it. It took two hours for the Ativan to work and then when the pressure was off my chest, I was still shaky so took another one. I just had a big lunch so being low on blood sugar wasn’t the issue. I haven’t had dinner and really don’t feel like eating. I was thinking of making some eggs but I just don’t feel like cooking. Less calories after the big lunch I had.

I hate when pain causes me anxiety. Just thinking about it is giving me flashbacks. It was awful. The pain came out of no where in my foot. Next thing I know, I feel like this constriction and my heart feels like it was palpitating. I checked my BP and it was normal, as well as my pulse rate. The machine does both. But the heaviness in my chest was worse than the palpitations. I didn’t take my morning BP meds. I forgot as I left the house so early. I still haven’t taken my night meds yet. I am kind of afraid to as I could become more hyper and not sleep until the early morning hours.

I just hope my therapist isn’t upset with me that I didn’t get a treatment plan done. Shneidman has been giving me ideas, but they are complicated. Nothing is simple with this guy. He is a very verbose guy and uses old time language, meaning words that aren’t in every day usage. I frequently need a dictionary near me when reading his books because there will be a word I don’t understand. Course the same is true when I am reading “Dead Wake”. I mean, who uses a valise anymore?

I will get this blog done. It’s just going to take some time because it is a challenge. I just wish I didn’t hold it so close to my heart.

Early Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early Monday

I woke up at 0600. I really wanted to take a nap after I had breakfast, but I decided to get my haircut and then go to Starbucks to write this blog idea for my therapist. Barber shop that I usually go to was closed, vacation day. They won’t reopen until Thursday. So I went to the other one down the street and it didn’t open until 0930. It was 0840 when I left my house and I didn’t want to wait an hour. I waited for the bus to take me to my “happy” place. Luckily, the bus to the Square came about ten minutes later. Cool. Least part of my day was going okay. When I got to my “happy” place, I decided I wanted the Sumantra Longberry coffee. It’s strong but sweet, made sweeter with sugar and cream. It helped the fog that I was in.

I got out the writing materials to start my writing. I had just started writing half the frustrated needs in my notebook when my pen started to run out ink. I couldn’t believe it. I had another pen but it was a different color and I don’t like to mix colored ink when writing. There went my project. So I decided to try and write in my journal with the other pen that I had. I wrote about a paragraph when I just got tired and wanted to go home. I just missed the bus and the next one wasn’t for another 50 minutes or so. So I tried to write some more to pass the time. Forced writing is never a good thing. I thought more about the project. I also thought about going to CVS to get a new pen but decided if they didn’t have my pen, it wasn’t going to be worth buying. I am very particular about my pens. Lesson learned, always carry a backup pen even though you think you may not need it. Thing I don’t understand is that when I checked my pen’s ink supply, it was half way full so had plenty of ink to continue writing. But it was very light and then stopped writing all together. This is the second pen in this class of pens that I had to throw away because the ink just failed. I don’t get it. But I have plenty of pens that I bought so it can be easily replaced. Just sucks because I am wasting ink.

As I was riding on the bus, I thought about getting my haircut at the place further down the street. I didn’t go. They usually don’t cut my hair right and I always seem to get the big smelly guy. I just came home, which was a good thing because I had to go to the bathroom.

I am not as down as I was last night. But I am still feeling like there is a weight on my chest. It’s making it difficult to breathe so I have to take deep breaths to get air in my lungs. I hate when the depression has physical symptoms. I don’t know what is worse, having a heartache or a weight on your chest, feeling like a burden to those around you, or thinking that you just will be better off dead.

Despite it being warm outside, it’s cold in the house. My sensitive foot is frozen, despite being under several warm blankets. I haven’t put a sock on yet, but I am getting close to doing it. My ankle is also acting up because of my activities today. It started on the last block I was walking. For some reason, when I came home and came up the stairs, I got wicked out of breath. It took a good ten minutes for me to catch my breath. I have since climbed the stairs since then and didn’t feel short of breath afterwards. It’s so weird that it happens some of the time and not at others. I have noticed a pattern though. If I am walking and then go up the stairs, I get winded than if I was resting and then going up.

annoyed because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

There were a few options for dinner tonight that didn’t sound appealing to me. Escarole soup that was about a week old in the fridge, cold cut sandwich, or raviolis that were a few days old. I opted to order pizza because it was better than the choices above. My mother decided to cook liver and onions so the house smells like it, which further curbed my appetite. But I ordered pizza from Papa Johns along with some chicken poppers. The poppers were better than the pizza. There was too much sauce on the pizza and not enough cheese. I ate it anyway because I was hungry. The pizza smelled strongly of green peppers even though I didn’t order it. It was just another turn off to my horrible night of pain.

I had taken my shower and I was in horrid pain while I was showering. I had to sit down on the shower seat to ease some of the pain. Then when I got up, my right knee buckled. I almost lost my balance. Great just what I needed, a fall in the small shower stall. Luckily I didn’t fall, but my back was still in agony. Getting wiped off and dressed was fun. I had to sit to get dressed. There was no way I was going to try and stand to put on my underwear and PJs. I accomplished the task but not without severe pain. I don’t know why standing is giving me so many problems lately. This situation better correct itself because I need to get things done. I have to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. My PCP finally consented to giving me the nerve pain meds. He only gave me a month supply with no refills under the condition that I see my neurologist within the month. I hope that I can see her. What a fucking hassle. I almost laughed when the nurse said we “want to help you”. If you want to help me, give me my fucking meds! It’s as simple as that! Dammit.

I am in a wicked bad mood. It’s after 8 so I doubt there will be trick or treaters. Bells haven’t been ringing so my brother in law has been good with handing out candy. I am just irritated that I spent money on food and it wasn’t good. How hard is it to goof up pizza? Just makes me angry. And why couldn’t my mother wait till tomorrow to make the stupid liver and onions? I hate that smell more than when she makes mushrooms. And she never lights a candle or open a window when she cooks. So the smells just permeate throughout the house. Just annoys me. I know part of me being annoyed is that I am in pain and I can’t fix it. Meds are helping but they make me sleepy. And when I am sleepy, I just want to sleep and not do anything.

I haven’t taken any pain meds today so that could be another reason why I am so grumpy. I also haven’t taken any of my muscle relaxers to prevent the damn spasms. Just another reason for me to be annoyed. My mother bought powered donuts so I was happy about that, for a little while. Little things seems to bring me joy but it doesn’t last long. It never lasts long. It’s just like the coffee I drink. It brings me joy until I finish my drink. Then I am sad again.

I got another Shneidman quote for tonight’s quote of the day. I had to take out “committed” and put “dies by” because it is the correct language to use. He uses “committed” suicide a lot. But then, the changes didn’t occur until after he passed away.

I’m feeling kind of suicidal right now. I won’t do anything but I just wish I was dead. Just like that, poof, I am gone. I have no reason to be in this world. I am not a great writer. I am really sarcastic. I got to edit my “Knackered” paper. I have to put in a medical clause in it so I don’t get sued because people take me seriously. Or maybe I will just leave it, I don’t know. I am just so annoyed right now that I just don’t care. Had to shut off Luke Bryan. Music is annoying me too. Maybe I am getting a migraine. I think it’s more because I am in pain and I can’t do anything about it. The pain isn’t severe pain, like that of what I usually feel with my ankle. It’s more of a dull ache that just won’t go away. I have taken my NSAID today because I didn’t eat anything solid. I have to have a full meal when I take it and half a sandwich wouldn’t cut it. I will take it with my night meds because I had the pizza and chicken for dinner. The pain is in the middle of my back and like I said, it’s a dull pain, not sharp or stabbing. Kind of makes it difficult to treat because you don’t know the cause and you don’t know what will be helpful. I found out that warm water was not helpful at all and just caused my back to hurt more while I was taking a shower. So much for that easing the tension.

But I really just don’t want to be anymore. There is nothing in my life that I am looking forward to. Everything is a hassle and I don’t like it.

Halloween 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around my normal time, after 0700 and surprisingly, I went back to sleep. My mother interrupted me once to tell me my niece would be upstairs so I could watch her. She just needs the TV in front of her to be watched. I kept an ear out just in case she veered from the TV to something else but didn’t hear anything. I went back to sleep. Some babysitter I am. I kept on telling myself to get up to make coffee but I just couldn’t move. My back still ached and anything involving movement of the hips hurt like crazy. So I just laid in bed most of the time. I turned my phone off so I wasn’t distracted by text messages or other phone related activity. When I got up, all three email accounts on my phone were lit up and of course text messages. My med app was going off, reminding me to take my blood pressure pill. UGH It was time for COFFEE. I read my text messages before doing anything and got upset. The starting quarterback for the OSU had been arrested and will be suspended for next week’s game. WTF. He was driving OVI, which in my Boston terms, can only mean driving under the influence. I can’t believe it. I am so upset right now. This guy is a really good quarterback and for him to fuck up, I am beyond words. I just hope he learned his lesson and doesn’t do it again. As far as I can tell, there is no OSU game today, which is probably why he is suspended next week and not this week.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have four birthdays. I thought it was five and it might be. I always forget someone. Birthday month begins! Not looking forward to it. My sister’s is next week and will be at my other sister’s house. I hope I can get my haircut by then. It’s grown out and doesn’t look right. It needs to be tamed with scissors or a buzzer, preferably a buzzer. I wanted to do so much today and got nothing done. I still haven’t bought my stinking donuts. Man, that is the one thing I am most looking forward to right now and I am being denied because of stinking back pain. I thought since the rain has passed, I would be okay, but that hasn’t been the case. I don’t know what is going on. Only thing I can think of is when I was carrying my laptop to the FedEx place, maybe I shifted something in my hip. That is where most of my pain is, though doesn’t account for me not being able to stand upright. I don’t know. I just have to wait it out and I am being impatient. I want to feel better now. Least I have meds to help me. I am getting better, but very slowly.

I have to take a shower sometime today, preferably without the munchkins ringing my doorbell every 10 minutes. My brother in law is the guy that likes to give out candy. I hate Halloween. I don’t mind it if I work it but when you don’t and your doorbell still rings even though every light in the house is off, it pisses me off. And it really gets me angry when they start pounding on the windows. I mean, really?? That is when no one gets candy. But my brother in law has done it the last few years and continues to do so.

I wish I could order my snacks via an app or something. I can’t walk to Walgreens. I tried that yesterday and only made it half way down the block before pain over took me. I know it is going to be like that today. I will try tomorrow. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. I had my sister pick up my prescriptions. Those were more important than snacks.

I still have been feeling depressed since I hurt my back. It sucks not being about to do anything. I would try and load the drivers on my older laptop but I can’t stand long enough to do it. And I need to disable McAfee, which I haven’t been able to figure out yet. Used to be there was an option to disable but the new configuration, the option is not there. I might have to uninstall it. I had to do that on my newer laptop to get the drivers on. I felt like an idiot when I called tech support and he asked me if I disabled the virus protection. It was the only thing I didn’t try.

Just checked my stats. HOLY UK!! They are my biggest readers today. Top blog is my knackered. This makes me happy and sad. I like when people read this blog because they can relate so much to it. But it also makes me sad because to me it means that another person(s) has been possibly diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I only wish this on one of my enemy. Other than that, I wouldn’t wish this condition on anybody. The UK is so far ahead of the US that I don’t think they are going to catch up. Watching my stats is fun to me. It gives me ideas on what to write for my blog, least it used to before the search terms became “unknown”. I never understood this. But whatever. I have other data I can use. Most of my referrers today are from Facebook. At least 49 people came from that site. I sold two books this week. I am happy about this. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sell any. But I did and that is all that matters. I sold one paperback and one Kindle. Good enough for me!