Category: chronic physical pain

it’s 0600

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0600

I woke up about a half hour ago from a weird dream. I was supposed to be making a tuna fish sandwich but instead there were bugs in the container. This didn’t phase me and I resolved to eat them, but as I fix the “fish” the way I like it, one of the bugs started talking to me. It was like we had to have a chat before I ate it. In the dream was Richard Dean Anderson. We were talking about his military service (from Stargate). It was a really strange dream that has me unsettled. The bugs were not usual bugs. They had unusual characteristics, like the bugs you saw on Disney’s Lion King where Timone says “tastes like chicken” while he is preparing Simba’s plate of bugs. I don’t know why I have been having strange dreams lately. I haven’t been eating anything weird or doing anything different. But at least I am reaching REM sleep. I feel rested and alert but I did wake up in pain. I took my pain meds and hoping I get back to sleep in about a half hour.

Dell called me yesterday to see if my system is working properly. I missed the call because as usual, the one time I leave my phone in my room, I get a phone call. They then sent me an email. I plan on responding later today.

I was reading a book on bipolar disorder last night. The chapter I was reading was on sleep and internal clocks. It said that sleep deprivation isn’t good for bipolar because it can set off hypomania or mania. If that were true, I would be super manic by now. They did suggest that sleeping from 1800 to 0200 might help mood. I am going to try and see if that works. Maybe it will reset my clock and I won’t have these weird sleeping hours, or sleep for longer periods than 3 hours here and 4 hours there. I can’t remember a night where I slept 6 or more hours.

I was going through “Suicide as Psychache” and found that Shneidman wrote the same line at least four times so far. I was able to find a quote for tomorrow as I got finished with his aphorisms. I was thinking of quoting the commonalities of suicide but I already have a blog about that. And there are ten of them that must be taken together or it just doesn’t make sense. I have to read the next chapter sometime today. I am not sure if I will be going out. It’s supposed to rain and I don’t like traveling in the rain unless I absolutely have to. I am craving a latte or a mocha, however so maybe I will brave the weather and go to Starbucks. I should really rest my ankle as the walking to pick up my niece last night really hurt. But I am starting to feel cooped up as I haven’t left the house since Monday.

There are some baseball movies that I want to buy from Amazon. They are relatively cheap, no more than five bucks each. I think it will be nice to watch them. A friend of mine also wants me to watch “Princess Bride”. I have never watched this movie from beginning to end. I have seen parts of it. It’s an okay movie and really funny. I am not a movie person at all. I rather read a book so there are a ton of movies that I have not seen. It’s hard when someone makes a reference to a movie and I am clueless. One movie that I really would love to see again and own is Stand By Me. I haven’t seen that movie in years. It is a great movie and has my favorite actor in it, Wil Wheaton. I was following their tweets via text but they (he and his wife) tweet a lot during the day. It wasn’t even funny stuff like it was before. I guess they get a lot of stupid people’s tweet that insult them. I find that it’s harsh. I feel bad about it but then they keep posting it and I just had to stop the texts. There were more texts from them in a span of an hour than anything. Now my phone is silent and I like that, least for now. I like following his wife because she posts pictures of their animals and they are really cute.

I have therapy today. I hope it goes well.

Feeling heartbroken

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling heartbroken

I know this is probably all the sleep deprivation as I have been up since 0500. Psychache is running high. I just feel like my world is falling apart and I don’t know why that is. I read a blog a little while ago. I like this person’s blog. She has a similar condition like mine. We have been talking for more than a year now. She wrote in her latest blog that she is planning on ending her life and that makes me sad to lose her or think of losing her. I know it is her right. I wrote that in my latest Quote for the Day. I am just feeling really emotional right now. I really want to cry.

I think spending time with my father has really warped my head. He was such an ass today. I was helping him do something, and he said thank you, but I don’t believe his sincerity. I have known him too long. Then I read something about Narcissists. Described my father to a T and I just read the first line of the article. My therapist says that I have a narcissistic injury because of him. I have no idea what that means. I will ask her about it tomorrow when I talk with her.

Since the turmoil with my therapist, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. Doesn’t look like it will get done this year. I am stuck at page 30 and there I will stay. I just can’t think of anything to write. I want to finish the roots story but I am having trouble because my damn pen keeps running out of ink when I start working on it. I keep forgetting to replace the pen in my pocket in my jeans. I am such a loser.

Since my friend has been talking about how she wants to end her life because of pain, it stirred up my feelings on the matter. Before I read her story, I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head. It was laying on my bed, innocent as can be and I just had this rush of wanting to end my life like that. The feelings didn’t last long but it was there. I can’t deny it. I think of these things often, of ending my life, not putting a bag over my head. Yet I am for suicide prevention. I am such a hypocrite. I would stay up all night with someone if it meant saving their life but I wouldn’t reach out when I am suicidal. Sure I write on my blog. I vent about how sucky my life is. How I am in pain nearly every single day. That I am probably dependent on the pain medication I am on. I am not addicted. There is a difference between addiction and dependence. I don’t take more than I should of my medication. Sometimes I don’t even take it because the pain is just not that great. I am not saying I like being in pain, but why take a pill when my pain is minimal? It’s when it’s unbearable I take my pills. It might be too late by then but least I have something. My friend doesn’t have anything except MJ. Because of all the stupid damn bullshit around opioid use, doctors are scared to prescribe it to real chronic pain patients. I am always afraid my doc will stop prescribing my meds. That will be the day he signs my death certificate.

I read today that one of my Twitter buddies was looking for purpose. I often wonder if I have a purpose in this world. My therapist and psychiatrist always says that I do. But I don’t feel it. I don’t have a life worth living as Marsha Linehan would say. Actually, I don’t know what she would say. I know I just want to belong, to feel connected. I wrote something on Twitter and no one responded. I have my tweets also go to Facebook and got more responses. I have 500 Twitter followers and not one of them responded to my tweet. It’s like unless I include them in the tweet, it just gets ignored. I honestly don’t get the Twitter world sometimes. Yet I will say something profound and get many retweets and favorites. Go figure that out. I don’t think anyone cares what I say anymore.

In Pain and Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In pain and can’t sleep

I have been fighting pain since I came home. Soon after I finished my previous blog today, my middle finger knuckle started hurting. I took some aspirin hoping it would settle it down some. It did but then it wore off and is now hurting more than my damn ankle. If I move my finger, I am in more pain so I am trying to not move it too much. Good thing I don’t give people the finger too often, hehehe.

I have been listening to Pandora for the past couple of hours. It’s Terri Clark radio and it is a good mix of songs, older country to new. I love it. AND it plays Terri Clark songs, unlike the Jake Owen radio station I created. I created it to listen to Jake, and I got about 30 songs before I got to Jake. I also got people that weren’t country like Rhianna and someone else. I don’t remember the name. I think I will have to delete the station and start over.

I am very tired, more tired than I was when I wrote my other blog. But soon as I lie down, I wake up. I get restless and can’t lie down anymore. Yet when I am sitting up I can rest. It doesn’t make sense. I think I need to take an Ativan to get some sleep. I think I am nervous about tomorrow because I have to be up early to catch the 0949 bus. I should be awake by then but with this nervousness, I don’t know if I will be. I always get nervous that I will oversleep when I need to get up early. I set my alarm, just in case. If I get up before 7 but after 5, I will just stay up. If I wake up at 4 I am going to try and go back to sleep. I just don’t know how many hours I will be sleeping.

I keep plowing through my book “Dead Wake”. I find it so sad that there were warnings but no one headed them. It’s like the left hand didn’t know what the right was doing. And they thought for sure that no submarine was going to attack a civilian passenger liner. More people were killed on this boat than the Titanic. I don’t think there were any survivors, though I haven’t read the entire story, yet. I do know there were close to 2,000 dead. Just a sad story. And I am reading it for the history part and because I am a history person. I also like sunken ships and such. It is what drew me to the Titanic when they found her in 1984/5. To me, it was unimaginable that such a tragedy could happen but because it did, marine travel changed. Boats were fitted with lifeboats for ALL passengers and crew and radio communications were open 24/7. In the book, the captain of the ship ordered practice drills for lifeboats several times.

I need to get a card for my Godmother tomorrow as Wednesday is coming soon. I will try and get one while I am out and about in the morning. If I remember, maybe I will hit CVS before I hit Starbucks. I can’t believe how much my finger is throbbing. I hate arthritic pain. I hate pain in general, but arthritic pain has to be the worse because it just hurts whenever you move that joint. I am trying to keep my hand as stable as possible but I do have to flex my finger to type. It’s not really my finger that is aching, it’s the knuckle behind it. I had to take my ring off my ring finger to ease the pressure. It just sucks. And I can’t sleep because between my ankle and my hand/knuckle, I can’t fall asleep. I want to attack the donuts I bought. I know that is not going to help my pain but it will help something. But I don’t want to start eating when I am stressed because that isn’t a good thing.

Soon as my quote is published tonight, I am going to send it to my therapist. It fits with the theme of frustrated needs and suicide. Thing is, I don’t know why Shneidman uses succorance rather than love. The word is so old that Word doesn’t recognize it. I don’t know where the word has its origins. I like the history of words. I think it’s neat to know where a word came from, whether it be Latin or Greek or whatever. According to Merriam-Webster (aka Google) the word means dependence, especially a dependence on or an active seeking for nurturant care. It’s from the British, which probably explains why Word doesn’t recognize the word. So people who are looking for someone to care for them and don’t find it get frustrated and want to kill themselves. Makes sense, to me anyway. I am sure there are other mitigating factors other than this one need being thwarted that leads to thinking about suicide, however. Suicide is never just one thing. It’s usually a cascade of things that just comes to a head and you just can’t take anymore. Like being in excruciating pain every day and one day it just becomes too much to bear. That is when the planning starts and the time becomes shorter. You might act impulsively or it can be a planned event. I always have a planned event but my dates always get thwarted by my damn treaters. They still want me to stick around for to avoid THEIR pain, not mine. Maybe I will take that up with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Why she wants me to live when I am not sleeping and I am in so much pain it keeps me up and give me fucking anxiety. That to me is worse than being in pain in the first place. Thing I don’t understand is that when my pain is elevated, my BP and pulse rate aren’t. It’s strange. But I still want to die because I rather die than live this way anymore. I am only here to prevent other people’s pain and that is no way to live.

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.