Category: chronic physical pain

Saturday Blog 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 33

Spent the afternoon visiting my aunt. She looks good. I am so happy she remembered who we were and wasn’t as confused as she had been. She is going to be going to a rehab facility sometime on Monday, though I don’t know where. I keep on sending her good thoughts and prayers to help her through this time.

I am feeling wiped out. My ankle started hurting me while my sisters and I went out to lunch. I had a Caesar’s salad as I have been craving one for some time now. I think mayo would have been a better dressing than whatever they put on it. I didn’t like it much but ate it because I was hungry. Least the grilled chicken was good. I didn’t have any pain pills on me so I had to mull through until I came home. I am glad my sister didn’t want me to come with her to the stores. It would have killed me to be up and walking around with my ankle the way it was. I don’t know why it got so bent out of shape. I hardly did anything while visiting my aunt. I sat the whole time I was there.

I am in a quandary. Both of my college football games that I want to watch are on the same channel and on at the same time. I don’t know which game is going to be broadcasted first. I really want to watch the OSU game more than the Nebraska game. Course, if it is any other game I am going to flip. WHAT? Now I am looking at Twitter and they have both games on ESPN3 instead of ESPN2. WTF. I don’t think I have ESPN3. I might have to watch via internet or Facebook like I did last week. Dammit!! What the hell am I paying for these channels if I can’t watch the games I like?? I am so mad!! Both football games are on at 1530 and then the ball game is on at 1600. I am going to be flipping through channels (still hoping one of the games are on ESPN2). Winner is Nebraska on ESPN2. So at least I get one of my games instead of none. Not the one I really wanted to see but I will take it. Least I get Twitter tweets sent to my phone for the OSU game. Not the same as watching it though.

Random 230

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am feeling sad and relieved at the moment. A little girl was found on the beach, dead, nearly three months ago. The lab people came up with a computer generated picture of her but no one stepped forward. Finally a lead came through and today the baby was identified. DNA testing is happening to make sure it is the baby. She was just 2.5 years old. I don’t know how the mother can live with herself knowing her baby was dead and that she didn’t do anything to come forward with answers. There were no active cases against the mother in the child protective services, so she didn’t fall through the cracks. The full report of how she died is not going to be made public until Monday, but they are saying murder. Just really sad. I hope we can give rest to this innocent child now.

I slept most of the day. I was really tired as I woke up at 0230 and then again at 4. I took some pain pills and then went back to sleep. My ankle doesn’t want to move, at all. It started when my mother asked me to make dinner. I can’t believe I have rested it all day and it didn’t want to move to make dinner. Pissed me off. My mother is not feeling good for some reason. I think the heat is finally getting to her.

Sox are playing tonight in Toronto. Should be an interesting game. We took the series from them last time. Got word that the OSU game is on at 1530 tomorrow. Trouble is, I don’t know which station. I hope it’s on ABC as I don’t like ESPN. My luck it will be on ESPN. Only two weeks left of regular season baseball. I am going to miss it and then go into a baseball depression. Happens every year. My mood doesn’t get better until spring training.

My aunt is doing better but still not out of the woods. I talked with my cousin last night and she gave me an update. She is going to be in the hospital for a little while until they can get her stabilized. I don’t know if this means going to a nursing home afterwards or what. She is 92. I hope she gets well soon.

Last night I had to take some trilafon because I kept on hearing music even when it wasn’t playing. Songs were just loud inside my head. If I played my MP3 player, it stopped for a little while but soon as I turned it off, the music would start playing again. Then the voices would start, telling me to turn on the music. I emailed my psych but haven’t heard back. I had a feeling I was going to become psychotic after the crazy two weeks that I have had. It was just a matter of time. I just hope I have caught it early enough not to disrupt things. It is making me question the dose I am on for the abilify and if it is still useful to me. Because if it isn’t helping with these kind of psychotic symptoms, why am I taking it? Maybe I need to be on a higher dose of the medication. I see my pdoc in two weeks and if I am not better then, I will bring it up. Or I might end up in the hospital. Who knows?

Finally, a diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a diagnosis…

Since we have been talking about all the different personality disorders that I have been given the past two weeks, I decided to ask my therapist what I have. I must have one, surely. Turns out I don’t. I might have traits of borderline but I don’t fit the diagnosis. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I kind of figured I did as my symptoms do fit. Now that I know this, I am kind of relieved but also kind of not. It’s a serious diagnosis, one you don’t really recover fully from and I have been in a steady state for the last fourteen years. Some days are better than others, but pain seems to dictate my symptoms. For example, if I can’t move my toes because of temporary swelling, I will freak out and panic thinking I am going to get cauda equina syndrome (CES) again. I am in a quandary as to what to do. And calming down is extremely difficult. It makes the pain worse the more anxious I become. The swelling just happens because I have nerve damage and usually have overdone it for the day. My foot is constantly being used so the more I use it, the more pain I have, which lead me to more symptoms of flashbacks and thinking of not wanting to go there. I don’t want to have CES ever again but I have a few discs that are faulty and I am at risk of it happening, especially since one of the discs touches my nerves occasionally. I also have a constant reminder of this condition whenever my bladder leaks, which is has the past three days because of my increase in activity levels. It’s not fun. I should be wearing a diaper but my dignity is not there yet. Plus, it has been super hot and I really don’t want to wear a diaper when I am hot and sweaty.

Besides flashbacks, I also dissociate a lot when my depression is really bad. It is not clear whether I do have dissociative identity disorder, NOS or if it is a symptom of PTSD. Or it could be both. I do give my therapist a run for her money. I don’t know the whole symptomatology of the PTSD as it has been a LONG while since I last looked at the DSM and the DSM has changed so I am not sure if it is now included or not.

I think the stress over the last two weeks have finally caught up with me as I am having psychotic symptoms. I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I have been listening to Matchbox 20 incessantly. When I am not listening to it, the music is playing in my head, very loud. I tried listening to Adele to break the monotony but it didn’t work. The voices were demanding that I play MB20. So I am back to listening to them day and night. I plan on taking some trilafon soon. I will have to take some extra stuff for the constipation that will ensue. I hate being constipated but luckily there are things I can take to make me go. Otherwise, it could be days before I go. I have to be careful with my bowel regimen because too much and I have the opposite problem, which lead to accidents. I hate them more than my bladder leaks. It’s just degrading and demoralizing. It will also set off the reminder that I had CES and I will become depressed and feel despair. It’s the one thing I can’t control, like my bladder. And it sucks.

Matchbox 20 Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Matchbox 20 Mood

Past two days I have been listening to Matchbox 20. I don’t know why but I find Rob Thomas’s voice soothing. Today I added 3 Doors Down to the playlist but the shuffle hasn’t made it there yet.

I did a lot of walking today. My calves and feet are killing me. I didn’t think I would have spoons to make dinner but I managed only to get a cramp in my bad foot. I really wanted to shower but I also had to eat something because I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I wanted to make a burrito this morning but had a severe bout of nausea so held off. I have been nauseous most of the day. I think I am getting a migraine but so far, no headache. Now that I had some food in me, I can relax a little bit more. If the soreness of my legs dissipates, I might try for a shower, though I would really love a warm bath. But I don’t have a bathtub, just a shower stall.

I saw my pdoc. I hate late afternoon appointments. I rather have early afternoon so that the day goes by quicker. I spent two hours in Starbucks just waiting for time to pass by so I could go to the appointment. I had an errand to run before hand and that is where I lost most of my spoons. It was a long walk to where I had to go because I got off on the wrong street. I was familiar with the area but they had changed so much since I last went there that I kind of lost my bearings. I ended up where I had to be though, a few blocks later. I am lucky the blocks are shorter than where I live.

The appointment went well. We talked about the Times article and she was beaming. She really liked me being published. Then she brought up what I was going to do next. Always got to be a next. I don’t think there is going to be, not for a while. I want to finish the book I am working on and get that published sometime next year. I can’t believe I am saying “next year”. I find it weird looking to the future when you are not suicidal. Course that can change in a day or two, at this point. I have had my moments the past few days. I told her there is no way I want to be famous for anything. The pressure is just too great and people are so mean. Just look at what is happening with the boy who built a clock for a science experiment. And the backlash the president is getting for it. I don’t want that, it will kill me. I’ll just have my blog and be happy with that, even if I do have to deal with one or two trolls that come along.

I got a new FB friend request today and I didn’t know the person at all. I panicked for a few minutes until I was able to see the profile pic and realized it was a bot. Haven’t had one of those in a while. This bot was friends with one of my other friends so must have picked up through the “people you may know” connection.

It’s going to be an early night. I don’t think I am going to watch or listen to the game. Last night they went to extra innings and I stayed up till the end. Then I couldn’t sleep because they lost the game. I was so mad.