Category: chronic physical pain

troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am having a hard time tonight. It started with some panic attacks about my nerve condition. I had to talk to someone about it as I was getting really nervous but didn’t want to go to the ER. One of my friends from the support group gave me her number and we talk for a few hours. We exchanged stories and the like. It was good talking to her because she knew what I was talking about and that made me feel better.

I still haven’t had a chance to fall asleep. I am still in a lot of pain and it is keeping me up. I have my little sound machine on so that it calms my thoughts. I took two ativan and it still hasn’t knocked me out yet. I feel calmer, just not sleepy.

What set me off tonight was my bladder not functioning the way that it should. All day, I have had some hesitancy that has me worried. It could be because of my pain medication or my bladder getting worse, but as I have had back pain over the last few days, I am hoping it is not disc related. I see my PCP next Tuesday and that is a long time to wait to see him when you are anxious. I hope the symptoms resolve by the time I see him. I know what to do if things get worse but I rather not think about it. I hate having MRI’s done. I will need an IV for contrast so I will need to be hydrated so the nurse/technician can find a good vein. I just am really scared and my friend calm me down some. I know I will be better by morning, if i ever get to sleep. I am very tired but just not sleepy. I hate that.

I thought I would write because sometimes writing helps to put me at ease and help me to fall asleep. I just hope that I am not getting CES x 3. I will be very devastated if this happens, especially when I know I didn’t do anything. I have not lifted anything heavy. I have not picked up anything that might twerk my back or slipped or fallen. The only reason my back could be hurting is the change in temperature. And the pain has gone away. I am just left with my regular stupid ass leg/ankle/foot pain. And tonight it does not want to calm down. Course I took my meds a little later than usual. I was watching the Sox game so time escaped from me. I should have taken them when I came home from my cousin’s house. That would have helped some because I know it was going to flare up tonight.

I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I usually don’t get panic attacks like I did tonight. I am usually able to handle them better but tonight I just couldn’t deal. My defenses were down for some reason and I just couldn’t cope. It was really difficult asking for help but I am glad I did reach out and someone answered after midnight. It is now 0400. I am going to try and sleep now. Just hope I don’t dream of being back in the psych ward again. That dream totally freaked me out. I was dreaming of ending my life and got very upset that I couldn’t have the pills to end my life. I woke up wrecked. It has been a bad day for me emotionally and physically. No wonder I needed to talk to someone. I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am also going to see if the Bozo has time Thursday. I am supposed to go to the Sox game but maybe she has an afternoon time before the game. I don’t know. I hate feeling vulnerable. PTSD makes you feel that way.

Play it again, or not

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Play it again, or not

“Play it again” is my new favorite song by Luke Bryan. All of his songs make me happy and some make me think. But mostly, they put me in a good mood.

Today I thought I would write the same stuff that I have been writing all week: that I am in pain. But today, so far (fingers crossed), I am doing ok pain wise. My back is a little sore but I think that is because thunderstorms are supposed to happen sometime this afternoon. It is not fair that rain storms and thunderstorms take me out of the ball game when I used to like walking in them. Now I am in agony because it causes my pain to flare up.

Temp today has dropped a little bit. I still can’t wait to put in the AC in my room. My mother is not going to like it. But right now I can’t move the stuff that is on top of my AC because I don’t want to re-injure my back. I will wait till next week to start moving stuff. I also half decided that whatever is in the crate above the AC is going in the trash and being replaced by what is on top of the crate. For Christmas, I was given a Sox storage box. I have not assembled it because I don’t know where to put it, or what to put into it. Plus it is kind of heavy so I don’t want to put it together and not have the strength to move it to its home.

In baseball news, I am sad to report that the lowly Houston Astros have a slightly better record than my Sox at the moment. But they are last place in their division while my Sox are second to last, thank god. They are ten games back from first place, which is good considering it’s only the beginning of June. If we were talking the beginning of August, I would be crying. But win or lose, I am still a devoted fan. I will be going to the ball game Thursday night. I don’t know who is pitching as I am not sure of the rotation and MLB.com is no help. They are listing TBD for both teams.

I don’t know how good an idea this is seeing that a few weeks ago, the game killed me physically for three days. But I don’t have anything to do that Friday or this weekend so I can spend all day in bed if I need to. I probably will, depending on how much I walk or go up/down stairs. I have no idea where in the park we are sitting. I just hope the weather is good.

No therapy today and I am happy about that. I am having dinner with my cousin tonight and getting a haircut, finally. I just hope he cuts it the way that I want it. Usually he does but sometimes he doesn’t and it pisses me off. But it’s a free cut so I can’t complain too much. But my cousin is making burgers which should be good and fries. I am surprised I haven’t turned into a cow yet as I have been eating so many burgers lately.

back pain and weight

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I had an okay day despite waking up in pain this morning. It was really bad as I could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I had a little breakfast and then pulled some burgers out of the freezer for later.

I really didn’t go back to sleep too good. I kept dreaming weird things. I got up around two to make myself a burger and found my back was a little bit better. My sister was cleaning out my junk car as There was some stuff that I needed and others I did not. My brother in law was able to get the Fast Lane transponder down off my windshield so I can now use it on my sister’s car. After I ate, I went downstairs to see what really needed to be tossed and what to hang on to. I found my second Red Sox scarf and a vest from my former work place. That will be good once the weather becomes colder again. It’s friggen 80 degrees today and I am not happy. I took a shower and then needed another one because I was sweating so much.

I was still kind of hungry after bringing the stuff upstairs, multiple times. I am sure my ankle is going to thank me kindly later. So I made some pancakes. I put in all the ingredients except one, sugar. I guess it was ok, and it was, as the syrup made up for not placing sugar in the batter.

I am feeling really worn out despite not really doing anything. I have stuff to do on my game but I don’t really feel like doing it. I have the wither protection on it as I knew I was going to be sleepy today. Waking up in back pain really sucks. I took a shower and that helped as the pressure from the water really eased the spasms that I was having. I still don’t know what I did to cause this flare up. I usually don’t get back pain unless I did something. Makes no sense.

I started thinking about what I want to talk about in therapy tomorrow. So far I got nothing. I know we are going to talk about being in pain and how my pain has shaped my bad thoughts. There is just too much pain not to think about going away forever or sleeping and never waking up. Right now, I am for the sleeping and never waking up part. I just want a restful sleep and unfortunately, I just haven’t had it all weekend. It is making me cranky and a bit suicidal.

I find it funny (not the ha ha funny kind though), that researchers are finding that sleep problems in childhood has lead to obesity in adulthood. I have a lot of reasons why I am obese. And the sleep disorder would be one of them. The thing is, most of my problem is that the medication I take makes me hungry. So I eat. And eat, and eat. I am depressed so who cares if I gain a few pounds. And besides, I want to kill myself so really, who cares if I am overweight?? I have been overweight since I was in the third grade. I remember the pediatrician telling me about percentiles and where I was and where I should be. Like a 3rd grader can understand that shit. So instead of being 80 pounds I was 90, big deal. Course now, I have to be 125 and I am close to 200. I would like my ideal weight to be 165, and I am just throwing a number out there. I have been working hard to lose but it is so fucking hard. And because I feel like I am depriving myself of food, I get cravings. Like for burgers. For pancakes. Granted Friday and Saturday I really didn’t eat too much because I was doped up. And it is not like I have to eat on a schedule. When I was working second shift, I would eat anywhere between 6-8 pm, sometimes later if we ordered out. So I eat when I am hungry rather than at a set time. I don’t buy junk food anymore and I might have just four sodas a month, if that. And I know once I lose the weight, I will be able to keep it off. I haven’t weighed myself in a week or two now. But I will in the upcoming days. I have one week to lose a little more weight before my next doc appointment.

Chronicles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Chronicles continue

Although I had a good sleep, I still woke up with the same back pain. I really couldn’t do much today so I got my foam wedge and back supporter out. I put my feet up while lying on my back with the back supporter supporting my back. It was a homemade hospital bed. I was comfy and so took my pain meds with some Ativan and went back to sleep.

Now I have been up the last few hours and still a in pain. I don’t understand how this can be. Usually my pain is knocked out and I am fine because I am resting. Guess I really did something but I don’t know what. I haven’t lifted anything heavy or made some sudden move. I just know that I am hurting and I am getting worried the longer it lasts.

I would be listening to the game right now but I just heard through twitter that it’s 4-1 Tigers. Pedey hit a HR. Now if they can just have him in the lineup another four more times with Scherzer pitching to make it 5-4 I will be happy. But my luck, the next time Pedey is at bat, he will strike out. My Sox are sucking so bad right now. I know it was to be expected, but I really didn’t think it would be WORSE than the 2012 team. Well, they are not that bad, YET. And the problems are everywhere from the batters to the starting pitchers. I won’t talk about the fielding errors because there are young players in those positions so of course there are going to be errors. But the bats have been silent for the most part and the magic they had last year seems to have dissipated.

I really didn’t do anything today except sleep for most of the day. It’s kind of hard to do stuff when you are in pain. I didn’t read anything, yet today but I think I will later this evening. I finally am getting into “Far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon. It is a very interesting book. The next chapter is called “downs”, which I am guess has to do with Downs syndrome. I can’t wait to read it. I think people with Downs Syndrome are the most beautiful people in the world. They are just so cute. I know they have difficult lives and the syndrome varies but the characteristics of these people are to me fascinating. I had a coworker whose niece has downs. She is very beautiful, smart, and funny. I have never met her, but I get this from my friend. So I am really looking forward to reading this chapter.

You would think that because my back is hurting me, my leg pain that I have chronically, would settle down some. NOPE. It has not eased up at all. I am so sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t imagine living my life like this anymore. I have to call on Monday to get it refilled. I hope they don’t give me a hard time. I didn’t think I would run out because I really haven’t had too many flare ups over the last few months. SURPRISE! I had three flare ups, not including this back pain episode. And besides, my appointment was longer than the 28 days so I had no choice but to ask for a refill. I would have run out anyways. And all of this pain most likely has to do with the temperature going up and down twenty degrees. I HATE this time of year as mother nature is trying to decide what temperature she is going to be. It KILLS me, or more accurately, it PAINS me. I just can’t stand being in this much pain.