Category: depression

Pain and being so fucking tired

Past few days I have been totally wiped out. I don’t know why but all I want to do is sleep. My pain has been up and down. Today has been the first day in a week that I don’t have a headache. It’s another cool but humid day. I went to the post office to mail my book for a friend. He wanted a signed copy and I was happy to oblige. I then went to the hospital to give another urine sample. Uro wants to make sure I don’t have an infection that is causing my urethral pain. I am glad that I had the appointment with the NP because I needed more catheters. The specimen I did today had to be a cathed specimen.

While I was out, I put some more money on my T pass. I haven’t been buying the monthly passes because I mostly have been going out once a week for PT and for that I usually take the bus. Most of the time when I am out I am taking buses more than the train. It isn’t worth buying a monthly pass because I am just not using the T that often.

Before I left the hospital, I ordered some pad Thai from my favorite Thai restaurant that is near the hosp. It is still the best pad Thai in Boston. I ate it on my porch when I came home. It was nice eating outside for once.

I have been so tired. I was supposed to have a zoom call with my cousins and I slept through it. One of my cousins got worried because it wasn’t like me to miss a zoom call I set up! It woke me up and my sister was worried. I just had my phone off so didn’t hear anything and just slept through the afternoon after my therapy session.

Therapy went ok. We talked about my suicidality. She said that I need to make joy in my life. That is something I never thought of before. I made a slideshow of all the kitten and puppy pics but stopped at 30 because it was getting so big. I have a lot of pictures that I have “stolen” from Twitter and facebook. I also put in pics of giraffes that I have because I love giraffes. They are the most graceful animals I think. I was very sad when I found out April had to be euthanized because of arthritis. Poor girl was in a lot of pain and she was old in giraffe age of like 27 or 28. I forget but it was a long time for a giraffe.

My therapist said that she can’t do anything about my suicidality and I swear I just wanted to die right there. Like WTF are you serious? I feel more hopeless when she says this. I told her I had a plan and was going to go through with it. Now I can’t help but wonder if I will actually end up going through with it or not. I just feel like no one can help me with this. I don’t know why I am bothering with therapy. I am feeling really frustrated over this.

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Grumpy day turns ok

I woke up around 1am to pee and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I contemplated staying up but by 5 I was hungry so ordered food. The Uber driver didn’t text me so the food was cold by the time I woke up at 6. He didn’t get a tip. I ate and then went to sleep until my med alarm went off. I dozed a little too long so I couldn’t have coffee. I was not happy. My mother said good morning to me when she saw me and I got grumpier. I drank half of the coffee I made before having to leave to catch the bus so I could get my haircut. I was supposed to go to the post office and to the grocery store so I could get some more Gatorade but I was too sleepy to remember these things. I will go to the post office tomorrow. I ordered my groceries so my Gatorade will be delivered in the morning.

I was in a better mood when I got to my barber. He cut my hair like he always does. I love it. I usually get the same cut each time I see him. I contemplated going to get my passport picture done but I didn’t like the shirt I was wearing and want to wear a button down. I’ll probably get it done on Friday. That is the only thing that I need to have done other than to make an appointment to get my stuff processed.

After my haircut, I went to Starbucks for my macchiato and a sandwich. As I was returning to the station, the bus left. I had to wait twenty minutes for the next one which gave me time to eat and drink my drink. I got my headphones on and started listening to Taylor. Been listening to the Fearless (Taylor’s version) all afternoon. I came home exhausted and thought about making a cup of coffee. I had a headache that continues to bother me. My pcp got back to me about them as I have been having them since last Friday. He said not to take Tylenol because it could be a rebound headache I am having. So my head hurts and I can’t take anything for it. Brilliant!

I continued to work on the Suicide Thoughts Workbook when I got comfy in my bed/office. The chapter I was on dealt with crisis planning. I hate crisis planning because I never have the same plan for the crisis I am experiencing. I generally have one but I have written it down so many times or read about so many different ones that I just use whatever whenever the need arises. I am up to chapter 5 in this workbook and it is so tough working through it. I am finding it helpful though. I will review it on several platforms when I am done, including my blog.

Finally cooling off

T storms have finally arrived and it is much cooler than it has been the past few days. The humidity is down. I just shut my AC off after running it the past few days. I was sweating earlier so changed to a tank top. And cue my leg flaring up.my foot feels like electricity is running through it. It is so damn painful and is cold as ice.

I worked on the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook and it was hard. One of the exercises was writing about psychological pain or psychache as I call it. I never ran so fast away from a book before. I just didn’t know what to write so I just started writing in third person and got through it. Then it talked about hope and I got stuck. It was harder to write than about pain. I wrote it in my notebook so I don’t ruin the workbook. I then sent what I had written to my therapist. Told her this was hard.

I have been listening to Taylor all day. Folklore and evermore. Her music has been soothing to me today. I have been so sleepy and I don’t know why as I slept decently. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. I feel wicked depressed for some reason. I still can’t get out of my head what my mother said about having a hysterectomy. She thinks it is “foolish” and that I won’t get my menses anymore. That is the whole fucking point. I know she equates the organ with womanhood. Sorry but I am not a fucking woman. I am not her daughter. Makes me so mad and hurt at the same time.

My back has been hurting the past few hours. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do. My neck is bothering me too. I took some Tylenol because the headache I have had since Friday came back today. I think it is because of the weather. I just want to sleep but know that if I do, I will be up in the middle of the night again, worsening my sleep issues. I just wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I never have energy anymore. I push myself to do things to get things done. Tomorrow I am getting my haircut and I want to get some more Gatorade. I have been drinking a lot to stay hydrated in this heat.

I am glad the Sox are in St. Pete as it is still threatening to rain in Boston. The are in first place right now but the Rays are in second so we could flip flop if they win. Our pitching hasn’t been the best since they have enforced the no “sticky” rule. My favorite pitcher is pitching tonight. He hasn’t done too good his last few starts. He faces a tough team tonight. Hope they don’t rough him up too badly.