Category: depression

Finally, a diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a diagnosis…

Since we have been talking about all the different personality disorders that I have been given the past two weeks, I decided to ask my therapist what I have. I must have one, surely. Turns out I don’t. I might have traits of borderline but I don’t fit the diagnosis. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I kind of figured I did as my symptoms do fit. Now that I know this, I am kind of relieved but also kind of not. It’s a serious diagnosis, one you don’t really recover fully from and I have been in a steady state for the last fourteen years. Some days are better than others, but pain seems to dictate my symptoms. For example, if I can’t move my toes because of temporary swelling, I will freak out and panic thinking I am going to get cauda equina syndrome (CES) again. I am in a quandary as to what to do. And calming down is extremely difficult. It makes the pain worse the more anxious I become. The swelling just happens because I have nerve damage and usually have overdone it for the day. My foot is constantly being used so the more I use it, the more pain I have, which lead me to more symptoms of flashbacks and thinking of not wanting to go there. I don’t want to have CES ever again but I have a few discs that are faulty and I am at risk of it happening, especially since one of the discs touches my nerves occasionally. I also have a constant reminder of this condition whenever my bladder leaks, which is has the past three days because of my increase in activity levels. It’s not fun. I should be wearing a diaper but my dignity is not there yet. Plus, it has been super hot and I really don’t want to wear a diaper when I am hot and sweaty.

Besides flashbacks, I also dissociate a lot when my depression is really bad. It is not clear whether I do have dissociative identity disorder, NOS or if it is a symptom of PTSD. Or it could be both. I do give my therapist a run for her money. I don’t know the whole symptomatology of the PTSD as it has been a LONG while since I last looked at the DSM and the DSM has changed so I am not sure if it is now included or not.

I think the stress over the last two weeks have finally caught up with me as I am having psychotic symptoms. I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I have been listening to Matchbox 20 incessantly. When I am not listening to it, the music is playing in my head, very loud. I tried listening to Adele to break the monotony but it didn’t work. The voices were demanding that I play MB20. So I am back to listening to them day and night. I plan on taking some trilafon soon. I will have to take some extra stuff for the constipation that will ensue. I hate being constipated but luckily there are things I can take to make me go. Otherwise, it could be days before I go. I have to be careful with my bowel regimen because too much and I have the opposite problem, which lead to accidents. I hate them more than my bladder leaks. It’s just degrading and demoralizing. It will also set off the reminder that I had CES and I will become depressed and feel despair. It’s the one thing I can’t control, like my bladder. And it sucks.

very early morning thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Since coming back home, my computer is running really slow. I don’t know if it’s the internet connection or the browser. I plan on shutting off the router and turning it back on to see if that helps any but my legs are too sore to stand on at the moment. It’s 0330 in the morning. I woke up with a dryness in my throat and now my legs have decided they want to hurt. I feel a Charlie horse coming on in my left leg but it hasn’t occurred yet.

I have been using my phone, so I think the problem is with the browser and not the internet connection. My phone has been able to connect to the internet without a problem using the same internet connect as my laptop. I don’t know. It’s just annoying because everything is slow to download. I had to have three tried to get my blog to load earlier, and I wonder how long it is going to take this time around. I just don’t know why things are slow to download. I restarted my laptop to see if that helped and that seemed to make matters worse. I just don’t get it.

Walking is going to be difficult today. But I have no choice but to do it because I need to run the weekly errand to my father. I just got word that his sister is not doing too good. She is in the hospital after a series of falls with a broken hip and several cracked ribs. She needs surgery but they need to get her blood levels stabilized. She is not exactly in the best of health but then she is 92. I hope she pulls out of this ok but she is going to need round the clock nursing care when she gets home. I don’t know if that means she will be in nursing home or not. I am very sad about this because she is my Godmother and she is special to me. I hope she can make it out of surgery okay. That will be the biggest hurdle. I know he is going to want to visit her and I hope he doesn’t hound me to hound my cousin to get information when I see him later today. My cousin was hoping to get her transferred to a better hospital where all her care has been given up to this point. I just am really worried.

I have therapy this morning so that will be good. We probably will be talking about the blog that I sent her about the troll. Then I know we will be talking about my appt with my pdoc. I got my medication that I needed. I would have run out today. I didn’t realize I was cutting it so close. I usually am good about getting my meds refilled before I run out, but sometimes I forget.

Sometime later this morning, I need to take a shower. I am not sure if I am going to wash my hair or not as it has become so dry you can use it as kindle for a fire. I had been using a two in one shampoo/conditioner but that doesn’t seem to help. So hasn’t the head and shoulders dry scalp formula. It gets really itchy because it is so dry. I’m going to have to ask my cousin, who is a hairdresser, what to use. I hope I don’t have to get anything fancy. That will just suck. And I got short hair so I don’t get why I get dryness. I wash it every other day as that is my shower schedule. I just don’t understand it. Maybe I need to get a conditioner that isn’t a combo. The reason I have been putting it off is because that means more time in the shower and sometimes my back and/or leg are not up to the task. Standing for more than ten minutes causes me pain so I try to get in and out as quickly as I can.

Matchbox 20 Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Matchbox 20 Mood

Past two days I have been listening to Matchbox 20. I don’t know why but I find Rob Thomas’s voice soothing. Today I added 3 Doors Down to the playlist but the shuffle hasn’t made it there yet.

I did a lot of walking today. My calves and feet are killing me. I didn’t think I would have spoons to make dinner but I managed only to get a cramp in my bad foot. I really wanted to shower but I also had to eat something because I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I wanted to make a burrito this morning but had a severe bout of nausea so held off. I have been nauseous most of the day. I think I am getting a migraine but so far, no headache. Now that I had some food in me, I can relax a little bit more. If the soreness of my legs dissipates, I might try for a shower, though I would really love a warm bath. But I don’t have a bathtub, just a shower stall.

I saw my pdoc. I hate late afternoon appointments. I rather have early afternoon so that the day goes by quicker. I spent two hours in Starbucks just waiting for time to pass by so I could go to the appointment. I had an errand to run before hand and that is where I lost most of my spoons. It was a long walk to where I had to go because I got off on the wrong street. I was familiar with the area but they had changed so much since I last went there that I kind of lost my bearings. I ended up where I had to be though, a few blocks later. I am lucky the blocks are shorter than where I live.

The appointment went well. We talked about the Times article and she was beaming. She really liked me being published. Then she brought up what I was going to do next. Always got to be a next. I don’t think there is going to be, not for a while. I want to finish the book I am working on and get that published sometime next year. I can’t believe I am saying “next year”. I find it weird looking to the future when you are not suicidal. Course that can change in a day or two, at this point. I have had my moments the past few days. I told her there is no way I want to be famous for anything. The pressure is just too great and people are so mean. Just look at what is happening with the boy who built a clock for a science experiment. And the backlash the president is getting for it. I don’t want that, it will kill me. I’ll just have my blog and be happy with that, even if I do have to deal with one or two trolls that come along.

I got a new FB friend request today and I didn’t know the person at all. I panicked for a few minutes until I was able to see the profile pic and realized it was a bot. Haven’t had one of those in a while. This bot was friends with one of my other friends so must have picked up through the “people you may know” connection.

It’s going to be an early night. I don’t think I am going to watch or listen to the game. Last night they went to extra innings and I stayed up till the end. Then I couldn’t sleep because they lost the game. I was so mad.

addmendum to the troll

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I shouldn’t be writing this but I am just so pissed off at your constant nitpicking. Did you know I subscribe to medscape psychiatry? If not you should because there it was learned that the TMS device was FDA approved. granted it was 2013, but I didn’t realize I had to be precise in my findings or reportings of treatments for depression. I didn’t know I had to be accurate in my OWN fucking blog. You are nothing but a loser and if I see a comment from you again, I will file a complaint against you either with your service provider as a cyberbully or with WordPress or someone. Better yet, I will use your fucking unreal email address and post it so other bloggers will be aware of your ass.