Category: depression

Relieved

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Relieved

I emailed the editor that I have been in contact with for the New York Times piece to see if he can remove the inappropriate comments that were posted. He agreed with me and apologized. Hopefully they will be removed sometime today. I am so relieved, I feel like crying. The whole experience has me guessing who my friends are. I unfriended a few “long time” friends as they rarely like or say anything on my posts, at all. And the person I thought was “IamBoston” has definitely been unfriended.

I had therapy today. All we did was talk about how the comments were troubling me, from being diagnosed to inappropriate diagnoses, to my therapist being picked on. Then to get the same kind of comments on Twitter. It was like I couldn’t get away from someone’s criticism. It was very stressful. But thankfully it looks like the comments have slowed or stopped. I just hope they have a new article so my article isn’t the first one people see when they go to that section. I still am trying my best to revel in the joy of having this published in the NYT but the depression has kicked in and made it impossible to. I feel proud about this accomplishment. Never in my life would I have thought it possible to be in the NYT or any newspaper for that matter. I thought about calling my home town paper to tell them, but I don’t want to go through what I just went through. I really don’t want an interview of any sort. So I didn’t call. I think my manic tendencies were pushing those thoughts. Now that those have abated and I am in a depressed state. I am thinking a little clearer and rationally. But I got to wonder if my hypomanic tendency was the push I needed to get my piece published in the NYT. If that is the case, then my episode lasted longer than I thought it did. Today I am not feeling so sluggish, though I did wake up very early a couple of times during the night. I seemed to wake up, turn the laptop on, stay on for a half hour or so and then go back to sleep. This went on several times during the night. I finally woke up around 0600 and stayed up enough to have a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep and would have slept through till 1100 but my fricken mother kept calling me, waking me up from my slumber. She wanted me to put the chicken she was defrosting in the fridge. Like she couldn’t leave a damn message with that information! That is why people have things called voicemail. UGH. I told her I wasn’t going out. Then when she sees me after I had my therapy appointment, she says “You’re home”? I swear she doesn’t listen at all. Pisses me off.

So my interrupted sleep was further interrupted by a deaf mother who doesn’t know how voicemails work. I just had coffee so I am a little energized. And I checked the comments from the NYT. They have been removed. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. And hopefully, I have seen the last of the other troll on my blog. She sent me what I hope is her last message. Now I hope I just have good comments that are constructive criticism and not negative. Someone that keeps their name hidden and provides inaccurate contact information, to me is a troll. I could never respond to this person because of the incorrect information she provided. I guess it is better that way, because who knows what other crap she might come up with.

The hardest part about all this is that I have neglected my reading because my concentration has not been so great. I was reading a book about bipolar disorder last night and I really had no idea what I read by the time I finished the chapter. I know they were talking about ECT and how successful it can be, but other than that, I don’t remember too much else. I know they did talk about TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation), but again, I don’t remember specifics. I know TMS just got approved by the FDA for the treatment of depression recently, but I don’t know if it is approved for bipolar depression as well. I also don’t know if it is covered by insurance. I have been tracking this treatment for a while but getting into a study has been difficult because you can’t be on medication. I don’t know if that requirement has changed. When I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I will ask her about it. It is something I have been wanting to talk to her about for a while now but never had the nerve to bring up. We always seem to ride out the depressions but I am wondering if something can now be done rather than waiting for it to pass. No medication seems to work for my depressions and my mood stabilizer just seems to keep the psychache at bay more than anything.

Depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a rough day. All I want to do is sleep. I managed to make some breakfast and eat a couple of cupcakes for lunch. I really just want to sleep today but I had to pick up my prescription before it got “recycled” at the pharmacy. They give you three days to pick up the meds. Any longer than that, it gets reshuffled into the stock pile. Today was day number three so I had to get it.

My sister texted me to pick up my niece tomorrow evening. I hope this sleepiness is gone by then. I need the energy to walk to the school and back. I hope it’s cool like today.

I texted my therapist to see if there was an opening and doesn’t appear to be. So I am stuck with talking with her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep Wed’s session or not. I am guessing it all depends on when my cake pops will be ready to be picked up. I am getting them as a thank you to my psych.

I feel really tired. My thoughts are slow. I can’t seem to focus on anything. My appetite is off. I think I am depressed. I really want to read Harry Potter but I can’t concentrate. I am not even close to being half way finished. I hate being in the middle of a book. But things have been so crazy the past two weeks. I am still in awe that I got published in the New York Times. My mother still hasn’t said anything about it. But my sisters have. They are so happy for me. My younger sister bought me champagne the other night. We still haven’t celebrated because I have been in this funk. There has been a bright side. I have sold nine books so far, five from Kindle and four paperbacks. I haven’t gotten any reviews yet. We’ll have to wait for that.

Oh dear god, they are starting a “say no to suicide” campaign. Like that is really going to work. I know it worked for drugs, but suicide is a different thing. It’s deeply personal. Because saying no, always worked for me. NOT! I don’t know who comes up with these things. It’s horrible. And they are doing this to stop stigma. Well you just added stigma to your stupid campaign. How are people going to talk about it if you just “say no”? It really bothers me. Most people in the prevention campaign have been open to talking about suicide, not shutting it down and certainly by not saying “no”. To me, if someone is seeking help and all they hear is the word no, then it further breaks down the lines of communication and there might be a suicide.

I’ve been in a lot of pain today for some reason. My big toe starting zapping early this morning and it is still sore. The lump I have on my good ankle is sore. I just took an NSAID and a pain pill to calm things down. I think the weather change has brought about this pain. My bad ankle is also throbbing, but then, it always is. I have been lucky the past week my pain has been minimal. But now it’s starting to ramp up again. Like I said earlier, other than going to Walgreens, I mostly have been in bed all day. I haven’t even been up and down the stairs that much. Hope it settles down because I have things to do this week and I need to be able to walk.

Sunday Blog 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 6

After all the stupid comments that I have endured with the Times article, it has me wondering if I have borderline personality disorder. The last time I brought it up with my therapist, she said I didn’t have it. I do attend a BPD chat group on Sundays because I have a close friend that has it and I would like to help her, or at least understand the condition. I will again bring this up with my therapist, a least to put my mind at ease.

I babysat for a little bit and asked my brother in law to get me burrito wraps while at the grocery store. He got me fajita. I hope they are big enough to wrap up some eggs and bacon. Baseball game is still going on, a nothing nothing game going to the 12th inning.

I slept most of the day today. I just couldn’t get moving. I think between the beer and my meds, I was toast. I usually don’t drink but will have one drink once in a while. A friend called to congratulate me after I sent him the article. He doesn’t have a computer or care too much about the internet. If it would have been in print, he would have bought the paper. It was nice of him to call.

I am feeling kind of crappy. The depression is setting in, slowly but surely. I haven’t had much of an appetite today. I am sure tomorrow I will be starving. That is how it is. One day I don’t eat anything and the next day I eat everything. I have been drinking water so I don’t dehydrate. I didn’t make coffee today as I woke up too late. I just want to sleep. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. I am glad because I really don’t want to go out. I do have to pick up my prescription. I was going to do that today but never did and the pharmacy is closed now. Which reminds me, I have to fill my pill box for the week. Ugh. I hate filling it but it is better that I do so I am not taking each pill out every night. I woke up too late to take my morning BP meds. I wasn’t planning on sleeping late, it just happened. I think the stress of last week finally caused me to sleep more now that it’s over. Either that, or the depression is causing me to sleep more than usual. I just hope I am not up all night. I doubt it as I feel really tired.

If anyone want to contact me, I have set up a contact page. It’s in the header on my blog. Just fill in the required information and I will get back to you as soon as I can. I set it up because I changed my comment settings for a troll. Once I know that person is gone, I will change them back.

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.