Category: suicidality

Times Have Changed But My Suicidality Has Not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I woke up because of having to pee and now I can’t go back to sleep. My room was freezing so I turned off the AC but then I realized, if I went back to sleep, I would wake up hot. So I have the AC on energy saver and hope the turning off and on doesn’t disrupt my sleep too much.

I am kind of in a dark mood. I just bought three journals because I needed them. The ones that I have are half way filled and I know by the end of the year, I will need a new one. I like the ones I bought. I am glad Barnes and Noble has such large journals. I do a lot of writing, in case you haven’t noticed.

I read one of my journal blogs that I wrote back in 2014. It was an entry that said that I cut myself and I went on about how scared I was that my therapist was going to flip out. I also didn’t want my psychiatrist to know because I knew it would cause her concern. The weird thing is, I don’t remember the incident at all. I had cut because of my TG issues. Now I am just suicidal. I have been struggling with this for months and I can’t seem to walk away from it. Like I wrote to my psychiatrist, I think there is a chance that I will go through with ending my life in a couple of weeks. I want to try it anyways, even though I know I am not going to like doing it. Suffocating oneself is difficult to do. But it’s the only means I have available to me. Worst thing that can happen is that I will be found before I am dead. That is my fear. And if that happens, I could have brain damage from lack of oxygen. That fear of being brain damage really wants me to stay away from this method. But it’s not like you can just buy arsenic pills on the internet like you used to. Maybe you can. Google hasn’t been much help in this arena. Even buying hemlock juice has been tricky. So I have come to the simpler methods that I have on hand.

I want my pain to end, permanently. Funny how I am writing about buying journals to write with and yet I want to take my life. How will those journals be useful to me? Most likely they will just be donated or given to my niece after I am gone. I am not sure what will happen with my things. Trash most likely. I haven’t written a will. I still have time, though I am not looking forward to it.

Since writing to my psychiatrist, I am afraid to write to her anymore. I don’t want to get a phone call after an email because she is concerned about my safety. Literally, she sent the email and within ten minutes she called me, after I sent the email the night before. I am so tired of worrying her and my therapist. Both want me to live. A lot of people I know want me to live, but how can I do that when I want to die so badly? I have been following the zero suicide academy postings on Twitter the past 24 hours. Jobes was there giving a talk about evidence based treatment. DBT, CBT, CAMS, and non demand follow up were among those shown to help decrease suicide. It got me thinking that maybe I should try to see another therapist to help with my suicidal feelings. Only problem is, money. I no longer have the money for copayments and I am on Medicare which only covers 80% of the visit. I would be responsible for the 20%. I wrote to my consultant last night. I gave him a blog reading of the “Love/Hate” that I wrote. I know that he would be interested in reading it. He was always curious about the relationship factor between my therapist and I. Now he will know in greater detail.

I follow suicide prevention because I am hoping it provides me with something to help my own suicidality. I don’t feel hopelessness. I think my depression would be 10 times worse if I were hopeless. I just feel so down that I just want it to end. I really think that if I try and see someone new, maybe they will provide me with some insight that I am missing. But ultimately, the choice is mine. No one can stop me, though they can try. I don’t think going in the hospital would be in my best interest. All they do is babysit you for 24 hours every day and drug you up. No real treatment exists in the hospital anymore. It’s not like it was back in the old days, where treatment and care were more important than containment and safety. I literally had to beg to be kept in house because I told them I was going to kill myself when I got out. Their response, “You are putting us in a difficult position”. I kid you not! And this was at a world class hospital! I won’t go there again. I won’t be subjected to non-treatment. Besides, the only ones that really cared were the nursing staff members. They took the time to get to know you and try and help you deal with shit. More so than your “treatment team”. It has been almost 11 months since my last admission. I like to say I am doing well staying out, but am I? They call you “stable” if you are able to stay out of the hospital for at least a year. How stable can you be if you think about ending your life every day? I just am not impulsive to act on my feelings every time I have them. Some people have not learned that self-control. I learned the hard way. I learned to keep my feelings to myself or I would have ended up in a state ward. This was twenty years ago. And times have changed.

Dark Moments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt

Dark Moments

My psychiatrist called me tonight after the email that I sent her. Here is what I wrote:
“things aren’t any better. I feel like all I am doing is going round and round on a guinea pig wheel. I am so tired that I can’t stop. Fatigue has hit me hard and fear the demons might come out tonight. I just wish this would all end. I’m tired of fighting the same battle with the same result. Bozo is going on vacation soon, for two weeks. I plan on taking my life the first of the two weeks. I just feel like a failure if I don’t try. Course I might be a failure if I do. I haven’t been too successful in either department. I still am getting heaviness in my chest. It’s like this invisible weight comes out of no where, pushing me down. Sometimes I can’t breathe. It’s not like a panic or anxiety attack. It’s just psychache that is very heavy. I don’t know if I am making sense”.

She wanted to know if I would still be seeing her on Friday. I said yes and I will be sporting a new haircut. This is how psycho I am. I am talking about taking my life and yet I want to get a buzz cut. I feel really anxious and I know it has to do with her call because I am so nervous. If she didn’t get in touch with me, I would be sectioned right now. She really was concerned. I told her something just gets a hold of me and I just write these things. To me, they are just words on a computer screen. They don’t mean anything to me, but when someone reads them, it is cause for concern. I don’t understand it. I know Hyde is responsible for some if it. I know he has been out more. Whenever I am dealing with TG stuff, he comes out more. I don’t know if I will be in the hospital or not. I am hoping not because Hyde won’t come out. I don’t think I am in danger. I just write my dangerousness out. I don’t think I will act on it, as much as I really want to.

These dark moments really get to me, after the fact. While I am writing them, they feel normal and translucent. It’s like I am not really writing them. I vaguely remember them in the morning. This is the second time that my psych has called me after sending her a terrible email of my dark thoughts. I try not to send them to her because I know they are cause for concern but I just can’t seem to hold back. She wants to know how I am doing so I tell her, honestly and truthfully. I know I probably should hold off sending them to her but I always hit send instead of save. I don’t know if I wrote on my laptop or if I sent it by my phone. The phone is easier to hit send than save.

I just feel like I am wasting her time in her trying to save me. I am just so miserable. There are no medications that she can give me to ease my pain, my psychological pain. There are times I just want to overdose on everything that I have to ease this pain, this psychache. But I don’t do it because I don’t want my mother to find me like that. I need to really do something about this. But I don’t know what to do. How do you cope with demons?? These are more than just dark moments. They are pure suicidal moments and they might just kill me.

I just filled in, the best I could via text message, to my therapist. I told her to call me today. I really need her assurance I am not losing my mind. Or if I am losing my mind, what we are going to do about it. I really don’t think going in the hospital is gong to help me. It never does. It sometimes makes things worse because I get frustrated. I just don’t know what to do. I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t.

Struggles with Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Seeing as I have been lifted from my babysitting duties today, I plan on starting a new book series, Game of Thones. I have heard all the hype on TV and I know I am late to the party, but I want to join. I do better with books anyway. I like that they are more tangible and more imaginative in your mind than a TV show. And there’s no disappointment because you are the one making the stuff up as you read. I was going to go back to the Harry Potter books but every time I read “Deathly Hallows” I cry afterwards because it’s the last book in the series. I am buying the collection for Game of Thrones because it’s less than $30 for the first 5 books. I wish my Civil War book collection that I want was priced like that. I am a Civil War buff.

Therapy went well. We talked about my writing and about the “love/hate” blog I wrote. She thinks that I should keep everything that I wrote in the Darkness blog. It’s powerful stuff. So I will keep it. If anyone can read beyond the first two pages, good luck to them. My therapist wants a hard copy of this blog so I will send her the first manuscript that I printed off. So now I got to complete the rest of the editing. I don’t know when I will get this done. I am not planning on editing today because the Square is a mess. A building that has several bus routes going through it is falling down so they have closed off the area. No traffic through the area and that is just trouble. They have been trying to fix this building for months so I don’t understand why suddenly it is unstable. Doesn’t make any sense. It is possible the bad winter damaged it beyond repair, but that is just my speculation. I tried desperately to get out of my session on Thursday but it didn’t work, even though it will cause me more stress trying to get things done before I pick up my niece. I will have to just take the train and bus rather than just the bus to get to my father’s apartment.

I have a medical appointment tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. But it needs to happen and I hope that it is painless and not embarrassing. I am not getting my weight checked because I know I have gained a few pounds since my last appointment, especially since I overate this weekend. I didn’t have a chance to talk about this with my therapist. We were so focused on my damn writing and how I interpret it. I am going to get my haircut after the appointment. I just have to check to see if the same stylist is going to be there. She did a good job and I want it done the same way again.

I am still feeling like I am stuck in the gutter. I wrote to my psychiatrist exactly how I was feeling and I didn’t get a response. Maybe she has figured out when I am blowing off steam and when I really need to talk to her through what I say. I don’t know. I was blowing off steam and wasn’t giving specifics on when I was going to kill myself but pretty much that I have a plan and might be going through with it. I don’t know if I will be facing another hospitalization or not. I am going to fight it tooth and nail. It just doesn’t help. But then, nothing does so why bother?

Think I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and get some Doritos. I don’t have chips often but lately, I have been craving that particular brand. Along with Ring Dings. I blame fricken baseball because they always advertise Drake cakes during the game. I know they are bad but everything in moderation, right?

It’s supposed to rain today but so far it hasn’t, least not in my area. It’s just wicked humid out. I need to go out for my daily exercise. I figure if I go out a little bit every day, maybe my mood won’t suck as much. I then can take a shower before going back to my room or something. I need to take a shower before tomorrow morning. I am not good at waking up early the last few days, because my damn sleep schedule has been fucked up again. I don’t know why. This morning it was because of pain. My toes were killing me at like 6 this morning. Not a fun way to wake up. I took my pain meds and then went back to sleep about an hour later. I was having a good sleep until my damn mother decided to call to see if she closed the windows on the porch. Then after I tell her I have an appointment at 1230, she calls me at 1240 to see where I am. WTF. Leave me the fuck alone, already!

Another Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Another lazy Monday

I woke up at an odd hour and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up half the night, partly because I was in pain and partly because the nap gave me some energy. I didn’t do anything today except pick up my niece. I watched her for about an hour or so until my other niece came (her older sister) and I went upstairs to my room to sleep some more. I just cannot get out of sleep mode. Granted the heat isn’t helping, but man, all I want to do is sleep.

I didn’t eat too much today. I am still feeling bloated from the meal I had the other night. I finally figured out why. I am constipated. I realized sometime last week that I didn’t put in my senna in my pill box. I have been going but the last few days I have not, hence why I am bloated and my stomach is not feeling well.

My mood is still in the gutter. My therapist wants me to meet with her Thursday but I don’t think it is possible. I would have to see my father early, get home, then pick up my niece. With the way my energy levels have been, I doubt I could do all that. I rather just have one appointment this week anyways. I really don’t seem to get why we need to meet twice a week when it’s not really helping me at the moment. Plus, I am seeing my pdoc Friday so that should count towards something. I also emailed her about the difficulties I have been having. I might email her again with this tiredness that won’t go away. I am so sick of being tired all the time and I am not increasing or taking anything to make me sleepy so I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I haven’t heard from my father’s PCP’s nurse. I am going to call tomorrow and make a stink if they haven’t given him a month’s supply of his medication. We don’t see the doc until next week but he will be out come this Thursday. I hate when doctor’s think they are smart and really, they are stupid.

Because of my sleepiness, I haven’t written anything or edited anything. I haven’t even read my book. I just don’t feel like doing anything. There is no baseball game tonight as they are off. They are back in town, which is good. I hope they can keep their momentum up for winning.

I wish I could write what I was feeling. But I don’t want to be too triggering for people. I still want to end my life, though I think I probably won’t go through with it. I want to try it though, to see if it would work. Thing is, it is the week my therapist is on vacation. She has made it very clear that I should not do anything while she is away. I on the other hand, think it will be perfect timing because she won’t know and she will be away. I don’t know the hold she has over me that prevents me from going through with my ideas on ending my life. I guess there is a level of trust there and I don’t want to break it. Because if I say I am going to be there when she is back, I mean it. I don’t give my word and take it back like some people do. I am so torn though. I really want to end my life and don’t want to see the light of day anymore. The ideas I have about ending my life keep ruminating around my head. I see myself preparing and acting on what I am planning. But will I actually do it when the day comes around? That is the question. I will be very sad if I don’t go through with it. I always get really depressed when I plan a date with death and then don’t go through with it. It just makes me really sad.