Category: suicidality

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

This song is the song of my teenage years and more. The lyrics are just so powerful. I know the song deals with runaway children, but when you are in so much pain and want to escape, this song pretty much covers it.

I am snowed in, literally. There is almost two feet of snow surrounding my house. My brother in law is outside plowing with his snow blower. They have not plowed the streets yet. Travel ban is still in effect as far as I know, though they have lifted the ban in the western part of the state.

I thought I would writ this blog and then read my civil war book. Tomorrow seems to be the same. School has been canceled so I am guessing I won’t be having therapy this week. I could really use a session as my mood has plummeted since I edited one of the papers I am using for a “lived experience” contest. I just hate myself so much that I just want to die. I was reading a transgender blog and read that the FTM is going to have surgery in three weeks to remove his breasts. I am so jealous. But then, I haven’t pursued avenues to my transition. I keep trying to get the nerve to tell my mother but I lose my nerve. I know what she is going to say. And the most hurtful part is that she thinks she knows me. Yeah right. If she knew me, she would know that I buy men’s clothes because it fits my identity as a person.

I should probably take a shower today but I don’t feel like it. The shampoo that I have been using just dries out my scalp and makes it itch. I have yet to find a shampoo other than Selsun Blue that deals with the issue. And Selsun Blue isn’t cheap. I got to get another bottle, so add it to my shopping list. I love shopping on Amazon. I usually am able to get things much cheaper than in the stores, and usually a 2 for 1 deal. Plus I usually have free shipping so that is good. I am not a Prime member because it is too expensive, but I think next year I will be. If I am still alive.

I was reading about a friend on Facebook. We became friends while in the hospital last year. She is thinking about entering the hospital’s DBT program to help her. It is an intensive program, from what I heard. I never found DBT or CBT to be helpful for me. The therapy that I have with my therapist is eclectic, meaning there is no specific discipline she focuses on. Mostly we just talk and go from there. She is open to any therapeutic ideas that I have which I like. I usually am not open to her ideas, though I will research them. There was a guy she liked about something, I forget. I think his last name was Frantz. I came across his paper the other day while looking for something else. It was an interesting paper. It probably is the only thing that I liked that she suggested.

Oh this sucks. I am almost out of my pain medication and I still have not received my new script in the mail. And because of the snow storm, mail won’t be delivered today. Fuck! I still have a few pills left but they won’t last this week. And if I don’t get the script tomorrow, it will throw my damn refill schedule off. UGH. I am so pissed. And because of the new narcotic regulations, they can’t fax in the prescription. I am so screwed.

It’s 1435 EST and I just realized I have not had lunch yet. Think I will make some eggs and toast. Then I got to do some reading.

Jeremy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Jeremy

This song is one of Pearl Jam’s greatest hits.

I have enrolled in a study from the UK about mood and depression. It monitors phone activity. For example, according to it’s sensors (GPS on my phone), I walked for 37 mins yesterday. I don’t know how accurate that is because I know that if I did walk continuously for 30 mins, I would be hurting really bad.

Yesterday I had PT. The therapist had me do six different exercises. My foot was so fatigued after doing just one set of ten on each that on the way back to the train station, my ankle exploded in pain. I knew I was in trouble. And my ankle continued to hurt the rest of the day. It is still throbbing but not as bad as it was last night. I had trouble walking down the stairs and had to use my cane to get around the house. Any type of pressure or weight I put on it, just caused me more pain. The PT wants me to do these exercises every day. Well, I will but not today. Today is a day of rest. I had wanted to walk to Walgreens, which is only a couple blocks from my house, but didn’t want to risk being in more pain. I really haven’t left my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. Doing stairs is painful, but not as much as last night.

I also had my therapy appt, which was after my PT session. I am glad I had it in the comfort of my home so I could put my foot up and take my pain medication. Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 0330 so by 1230, the time for my therapy, I was getting to be toast. We talked about my friend that died, how I knew him and stuff. I think for the first time in a LONG time, I talked almost the entire 50 minutes. My therapist was listening, which in and of itself, is weird because she likes to talk.

I wrote two blogs yesterday and was shocked with the response from one of them. I guess my writing about something dear to me as suicide is a good thing. One of my blog followers commented on it and then reblogged it because it angered her as much as it angered me.

I can’t seem to write today. Just am feeling so down it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the words out. I haven’t been into my game all day. I was trying to find old missions that I could do as I am almost caught up. I have a shit load of crops I got to request to finish the missions I have, which is two pages. The rest are stuff I just need coins for so I can buy the crops. They are expensive so have 3 million coins doesn’t get you very far. I have 29B coins in my bank but you can only withdraw 100K at a time. Wish I knew that before I made such huge deposits, but then, I didn’t think I would need so many coins. There is one crop that helps me build up my account and it’s a short crop, which is good. I don’t have to wait all day for it to harvest.

I seriously want to kill myself one day. I don’t know if it will be this week or this year but I am so tired of “being”. Being in pain the last three days has really soured my mood. All I can think about is death and dying. I really don’t feel like I am making a contribution to anything, like my therapist says I do. I just feel like I am a lump on a log, and a stationary one at that.

more rants on suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

More Rants on Suicide

Have I mentioned how much I love Twitter? It brings me on the front lines of any suicide articles. I recently have two rants that I will discuss that I have read today concerning suicide and suicide prevention.

The first is a Washington Post article about a guy that wrote an email detailing his suicide, to multiple journalists. All he wanted was acknowledgement and validation of his work that he published in the 70s. What did these journalists do? NOTHING. Until it was too late. The author of the article asked “what was she supposed to do”? Answer: TALK TO THE PERSON! This guy waited several hours for a response before he jumped to his death. He was obviously waiting, desperately, for some kind of response to acknowledge his statements. And when he didn’t, he died. He died a needless death because these journalists didn’t take him seriously. The author states she got the email late, and he was in Japan, she was in the states, so went to sleep! Then when she woke up hours later, she decided to pursue the matter. In those precious hours, she could have responded with something, anything. All she had to do was hit reply. A one liner was, in my mind, all that was needed. It angers me that this guy was obviously in distress and was blatantly ignored. I hope this journalist learned her lesson. That suicide intentions of any kind are not to be ignored.

The second piece was about how psychiatrists deal with suicide. In the article, the author found it difficult to find someone to talk to about this. It was not talked about. Also in the article, it mentions her friend, who happened to be hospitalized for severe depression because she kept attempting suicide. Her friend had a therapist, that after she attempted, hung her out to dry. She didn’t want to treat her anymore. So now her friend is without outpatient care. She has not been able to find a therapist to deal with her suicidality. Because once you mention the “S” word, no one wants to deal with you. I have found this out myself. When my therapist permanently located to her current office 30 miles away from and my car broke down, permanently, I tried to find a therapist within a 5 mile radius of my house. I talked to 10 different therapists. ALL referred me to another therapist once they inquired about my suicidality. Because I had and was currently suicidal, they didn’t want anything to do with me. Then when I was able to find someone in my hometown, he was sweating bullets whenever I brought up my suicidality. How was I supposed to talk to him when it was obvious he was scared of losing me? I said fuck that and went back to my current therapist. We have phone conversations and I see her whenever I can borrow my sister’s car.

This article cited sources from the AAS and Dr. Paul Quinnett, two of my favorite sources. I commented on the article because it was dear to me. I know first hand the stigma around mental health professionals when a patient dies by suicide. I have read countless articles about it. It is a very difficult topic. And once a patient dies by suicide, it scars the practitioner for life. I have had many discussions with my therapist about what would she do if I died. She couldn’t fathom it, nor talk about it. I once brought her an article about what to do if I should die. She rejected it. And this is from someone who welcomes everything I bring her and hoards what I give her. I wanted her to know there were resources out there to help. She wanted no part of it. And this article highlighted that. Most professionals that lose a patient to suicide are alone, but they don’t need to be. As survivor resources that the AAS provides become more widely known, therapists are being helped by their peers and healing can occur.

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?