Category: suicide attempt

really, really bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Been playing on Facebook for the last few hours, trying to get the nerve up to go play my game. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much on my mind.

I spoke with my therapist today about wanting less sessions and she didn’t buy it because my suicidality is still kicking its head and she feels as long as it is, we are going to have session. Bly me. I am not happy. In fact, I am pissed. I hate this. So I did what anyone in my position would do. I took a couple of this and a couple of that and hope it knocks me out because I still cannot tolerate these fucking feelings anymore.

I just had Chinese food. It was good and the crab rangoons were really good today. I usually don’t like eating them but I was hungry. The chicken fingers weren’t as what I was expecting but the scallion pancakes were. I love scallion pancakes. I rather have that than a meal but it is only an appetizer. So I have lunch and dinner all done. I will probably finish off the Chinese for dinner like I usually do. I can’t eat it all in one sitting like some people can.

I am still feeling exasperated. Soon as I say I want to cut down on sessions she is like ok what is the logical reason for this. There is no longer a logical reason for this. I just want to get the hell out of your clutches so that I can possibly end my life. There I said it. No secret I am suicidal. I just want to be unconscious, permanently. It is really cold today so I just want to go under my blankets while I listen to the radio and try and zone out. No one has caused this to happen to me, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

On a positive note, people have liked the blog that I posted yesterday. It is a reblog of the AAS blog that was posted last night. I am glad people like my writing, even though I don’t think too highly of it, but then I think every writer thinks that.

‘We forget that we have survived the worst’

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

kayakembe's avatarWhat happens now?

Before this week’s essay, here are a couple of good videos from young comedians who speak openly about their experience with suicidal thinking:

View original post 951 more words

chronic urge to kill myself

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

It has been less than 24 hours since my last post. I really don’t care. I am in a lot of pain right now and soon I will be down for the count. I hate being in pain all the time. It started when I got to the kitchen to make myself a bagel. My foot cramped on the cold tile floor. I know I should have been wearing slippers but I wasn’t thinking. I had to go to the bathroom fast or I would have lost control of my bladder. Soon after my foot settles down, my calf muscle in the same leg decides to spasm up a little bit so now it is tight and I can’t stretch it out. I was going to watch the Red Sox parade on TV but I just took my pain meds so I will be knocked out soon.

People think that I am normal and that is what kills me. Most of the time I feel like I am normal until the pain starts and tells me otherwise. I cannot win. I wish I were dead. I wish I had taken my life back in August when I was supposed to. Now I am living and in pain and I hate myself for it. Those blue buildings are crushing me and I can’t keep myself away from me any longer. Time for a new plan and one that I can go through with. I am just so tired of being in pain every single day.

In other painful news, The book Team of Rivals that took me literally most of the year to read, I finally finished it last night. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. The author wrote almost ten pages to get to his death. Talk about being wordy. There were some good parts of the book. I wrote a review of it and sent it off to my writing partner for comment. I was harsh but then I really did not like this book. I read it because ten pages of it were based on the movie Lincoln. 10 bloody pages of the 800 page book!! Yes, just shoot me and even those pages were like, huh? That didn’t happen in the movie!! The book rushed the 13th amendment, Robert going into the Army, and the delegate meeting for peace. Ten pages! Really makes you wondering what the 790 pages were about…but This blog is not for book reviews that do not deal with suicidality. I just wrote about it because it was a very painful read, and that I read this book for something other than it was worth. Soon as I post the review on Amazon, I will tell you, for those that are interested.

I am off to dreamland again. I had an interesting breakfast of Oreo Golden cookies and a bagel. I will watch clips of the rally on twitter or TV. I am sure people will be posting pics on Facebook as well. There are more than 10,000 people already in Boston. I would have gone if I was healthy but I am not. I just have the chronic urge to kill myself and chronic pain to fuel it. This is the type of life I lead.

can’t kill myself

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Listened to the Counting Crows today because I was in that kind of mood. Love their song Blue Buildings. The lyrics of keeping yourself away from yourself is so true today. I am in a bad mood despite seeing my pdoc today. We talked about the Sox mostly but also about how crippling my depression and pain have been all week. I really told her how much I wanted to die today but I can’t. I have a book to finish and another to work on. I hate having these things and before I left, she said that I am going to be famous. I told her probably not but who knows. I am glad she has that confidence in my work because I sure don’t. This is after I told her that I was ecstatic that Jobes answered an email last week. I still have that email and I need to print it out. Unfortunately, my funds have run low so I will have to wait a few weeks.

I can’t believe it’s November already. I don’t know where the time flew. I feel like my date of killing myself is approaching and that I should start preparing. But that is too much of an effort. I just can’t put forth the effort or planning again. Not that I have gotten it out of my system. It just is that I know I can’t kill myself no matter how much I want to. The feelings are there but the motivation to go through with it is not. So, I just have to suffer through the miserable depression again and again as it takes a piece of me through every episode. Today is the worse. I had a bladder accident and I have to take a shower. I am not looking forward to the shower because my foot is already screaming at me from going out to see my pdoc.

I didn’t get any editing done today. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know it needs to be done but I want to be clear headed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day but I doubt it. I am starting to feel hopeless again. I have been out of breath when I do the littlest thing so I know my weight is up. I hate gaining weight because it is so hard to lose. But I am going to try to lose some of it by watching what I eat. Trouble is my mother has a bowl of KitKats downstairs, one of my favorite candies. And she made chocolate chip cookies for my sister’s birthday for tomorrow. Her birthday is on Sunday but because she is going to the Patriots game we are celebrating it tomorrow. I usually spend a few minutes with the family and then hibernate back to my cave aka my room.

Today is the perfect hibernation day because it is dark, gloomy, and rainy. I really need to rest my ankle so I might take the shower later, after I have been medicated. Yesterday I slept from six-thirty to one-thirty in the morning. It was a good snooze. I ended up taking my meds and then went back to sleep. I think my crops might have withered but I don’t care. The game that I have been playing for more than three years now is aggravating the hell out of me. It has new missions nearly every other day and you need more and more stuff from your neighbors to complete it. You are allowed fifty rewards per day. The stuff you need are around 20-27. Not enough to go around per neighbor. So you have to pick and choose what items to get. I tend to give to older missions because otherwise, there is no finishing them. And that is frustrating!!