Category: suicide attempt

The Liebster Award

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

The Liebster award

I have been nominated for the Liebster Award by the neverending headache. I feel honored to be nominated for this award.

Info About the “Liebster Award”

The Liebster Award, or “the favorite blog award”, is an internet-based award that is given to bloggers by other bloggers. In Germany, the word “liebster” has the same meaning as “favorite, beloved, or dearest.” This award is primarily given to blogs that have less than 200 followers. That way, it helps the blogger with being more known to the world as well as giving the blogger the opportunity to learn about more amazing bloggers.

The questions that I was asked are:

For my 10 nominees here are your 10 questions:

1. What motivated you to start writing a blog? I needed an outlet for my dark thoughts and a place to publish my papers that I worked so hard on.
2. What’s your favourite book? Tough one as I have many. It would have to be 8 million ways to die by Lawrence Block.
3. What’s your favourite month of the year and why? February because it is a cold month and a short month.
4. Who do you admire in today’s world? I admire David Jobes and his work in the field of suicidology.
5. Were you ever told that you could not achieve a certain goal and did it anyway? Yes, but unfortunately my mental illness prevented me from achieving this goal.
6. What’s a future goal you would like to achieve? Would love to get my doctorate’s degree in psychology.
7. Who do you hope to be an inspiration to? My readers.
8. Other than blogging what are your other hobbies? Playing Facebook games
9. If you could travel anywhere where would you go? Austrailia.
10. What’s your favourite meal? Pad Thai from King and I

My nominees are:

Lethargic smiles

My bright shining Star

Marci, Mental health, and more

On Deck circle

Belsbror

Emerging Civil War

The product Poet

Dennis Cardiff

For my nominees here are your 10 questions:

1. What motivated you to start writing a blog?
2. What’s your favorite book?
3. What’s your favorite month of the year and why?
4. Who do you admire in today’s world?
5. Were you ever told that you could not achieve a certain goal and did it anyway?
6. What’s a future goal you would like to achieve?
7. Who do you hope to be an inspiration to?
8. Other than blogging what are your other hobbies?
9. If you could travel anywhere where would you go?
10. What’s your favourite meal?

I am just tired. Plain and simple.

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I have done a lot today. I started the editing process of my book and shouldn’t have added some pieces but then I took away some things, so things evened out a little bit. The page numbers do not correspond to anything right now so I have to go through page by page which is a hassle. The title chapters are becoming clearer so I am happy about that. If I stay on course, I should be ok with a Nov 16th publishing date so stay tuned!!

After the editing, I decided to watch the football game. At half time we were leading 21-13. Or maybe it was 21-17. I don’t know. I was kind of sleepy and not interested in watching the game but felt I had to. I had some French fries for my lunch/dinner and then retired to my room where it is fricken cold. I am waiting for my brother in law to come take the AC out of the window. I just texted him to let him know that I want it done today. I am so proud that he has learned to text. When he got his new phone, he had no clue and thought it was a game. I guess they text him a lot at work and he got a little aggravated one day, saying to my sister that this game just won’t stop. She laughed and said that is the text messaging. He can be a little old fashioned but I love him. He really is a good guy.

It has been good that I am home. I didn’t do too much yesterday as I was so sleepy. I said I was going to sleep for a half hour before the game and the next thing I knew we won and the game was over thanks to Victorino’s grand slam! I can’t believe I missed the game!! I am so mad at myself.

I think I kind of got my therapist worried a little bit. She asked if I was suicidal and instead of giving her an answer, I said that I don’t care, which is true. I don’t care if I am suicidal or not anymore. It’s not like I am going to act on it so who cares! If I was going to act on it, I think it would be more dangerous. So I just don’t care if I feel suicidal anymore. It’s not like they lock you away in the hospital anymore for days on end. In fact, unless you actually act in the hospital to harm yourself, they will just discharge you no matter how bad you say you are going to harm yourself. So I am just DONE with the whole business of it all. And it’s not like she helps me while I am suicidal. She doesn’t implement the SSF or safety plan or any of the other things that will ease the tension of suicidality. She just increases sessions where we don’t really talk about anything. My psychiatrist just relies on me to tell her about my symptoms. If I am not telling her I am having symptoms, then to her, I am fine. I just am so sick of being in a constant suicidal state and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t take my life so why bother being suicidal? I mean I can take it, but it’s too much of a damn hassle. I am tired of the planning that goes into a suicidal plan. I am tired of the contracts for safety telling my therapist I will not act on it no matter how bad I really want to kill myself. I am just tired. Plain and simple.

paranoia troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

today has not been a good day. I have been trying to isolate myself from the unit because the voices are really bad today. They are saying anything from the staff is poisoning to me to wanting to cut my arm off with the blood pressure cuff. And of course they are telling me to kill myself. I don’t think the meds are helping and I am running out of hope that things will get better.

I made a friend while here and she is interested in reading my book when it comes out. I will give her all my contact information when I get out of here. She is a real sweetheart. I hope she gets help too.

I don’t know why today is bad. I feel like I am not doing my routine and I am getting out of things. But I had a friend of mine bring in a mocha today so I was happy for a little while. I so needed a mocha fix. Dinner time is almost here but I quickly wanted to write a blog post about how things are going. I haven’t been writing today. I just can’t seem to find the words I want to use to write because the meds have me all messed up. I know this might seem silly but I miss my one voice I always talk to. The meds have made her go away and I hope that she comes back soon. She was a “nice” voice.

I talked about Mr. Hyde today and that sort of got me revved up. I don’t know why. I guess with the voices telling me to kill myself it stirred the pot a little bit.

A Taylor post and an update

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

As some of you might know, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. I got a tweet today that said her wing of the country hall of fame will be opening tomorrow. She donated 4 million dollars (USD) for this education center. I feel so proud of her. She is the only country artist to have done this. But I think she is also the only successful artist too.

I am still in the hospital. Been having a bad day. Voices have been bad today and I have the feeling of not being safe. I usually feel safe in the hospital. This is the first time that I don’t. It is a little unnerving. It’s nothing to do with the staff or the doctors. It just has to do with my fricken psychosis.

I am typing this on my phone so I apologize if there are typos.

My meds have been increased so I am hoping to get relief by Monday. But we’ll see. I don’t think I will be having visitors this long weekend. It’s Columbus Day, a holiday that my state recognizes.

I have been trying to deal with the voices on my own for so long it is difficult to ask the staff for help. Some of their suggestions are not helpful but it’s better than nothing I guess. I mostly have been listening to music and for the first time in 2 weeks the song sirens doesn’t bother me. I just wish the paranoia would go away. I can’t shake the feeling I am being watched all the time. I know the staff is watching but I just feel like someone is behind me all the time even if my back is close to a wall. It is weird. But it is what it is. I hate constantly looking over my shoulder.

I still have a huge blog that I am writing about my daily routine. I hope you will like it when I post it.