Category: writing

Editors’ Favorite

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

IMG_20141109_213353 (1)

I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday, unless she is on vacation or something else interferes with our time. We talked mostly about my father, again. By mid session, I wanted to talk about something else but couldn’t think of anything so we talked more about him. It wasn’t an analytical discussion. Just about how draining he is to me and my welfare. She doesn’t know how I can tolerate him despite my hate for him. I guess he still has his hold on me because there would be hell to pay if I didn’t tolerate him.

We also talked about how back my back got last night and this morning. I really just wanted to die. The pain was excruciating and all I did was lie down! I woke up from my nap and I couldn’t move, the pain was so damn bad. But I had to take my night meds and when I got up, it was like someone had stabbed me in the back. My hip was on fire. There was nothing I could do for it. I had to stand to take my meds. What I would have given for a nurse to come bedside to hand me my meds last night. I was tortured the whole time I took the 10 or 12 pills I take. I was up most of the night in pain, and I swear, I woke up soon as the pain meds wore off, which was every four to five hours. I never called the doctor like I was supposed to. And tomorrow doesn’t look good for me to call him either because I have to deal with my dear old father for most of the morning. My therapist asked if I should see someone. I don’t know anymore. I see my doc on Monday, so will tell him what has been going on for the past several weeks and see what he thinks I should do. I know that I am NOT going to see two different PTs. I refuse to see one for my ankle and one for my back. I know I just need the “right” exercise to get a stretch out of my back and I will be fine.

I’m still fighting a cold as my nasal discharge has been running wild lately as well as having a damn cough. I know the cough is not doing me any favors with my back pain. I just feel really run down. I know part of it is because I haven’t been sleeping well most of the week. Monday I woke up at 0530 and didn’t go to bed until late. And last night I was up every few hours because I had to change position. It was so tough sleeping last night. And once I am up, I am pretty much up for a while. It takes me forever to get back to sleep. I finally gave up today when my app for my meds kept dinging for my morning pills. I guess it’s good that I have the app or I would forget to take my pills. Not so much for my night meds as I know I have to take my hormone pill or I am screwed. Missing that dose just screws up my reproductive system and I don’t really want my menses showing up this month. It has shown up every year at this time for the past three years. I would really love to skip this month. That would be the greatest birthday present mother nature could give me!

Today, someone who found my blog, wrote on one of my support groups, looking for information on my book. I gave her the UK link for Amazon.com. I had to google it because I didn’t know what the domain was. Anyway, she found me on Facebook and she bought my book. It is probably going to be my only sale for the month. Sales have been terrible this month, but then I haven’t been promoting my book like I did last month. It’s hard work tweeting all the time for the week that I had my Kindle version for 99 cents. If I knew how hard it was going to be to sell my book, I would have saved up some money to have it published with an agent or something. I thought that Amazon would help but if they do, I don’t see it. And it was by chance I saw that my book was named the Editor’s pick of the year. I am glad I took a photo of it because it’s no longer there on my Amazon page. From what I gather from some author groups on Facebook, it all depends on how many people like your author page on Amazon on which book Amazon promotes. Unfortunately, I am not that tech savvy to find out what that page is to have people like it. Even on the Author’s page link it doesn’t have anything on it. Probably because I have not put anything on it because I don’t know how. I think I found it once but don’t ask me how I did it. And if there is a like, it’s the only like because I liked my own page! It’s so frustrating. I am thinking of putting my book on the Nook and iBook some time in 2015 so that maybe I can have better sales. But the process is like Amazon’s Createspace. I would have to create profiles for those formats and there is no guarantee that it will sell better than my current profile.

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

Starbucks and Chinese food

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

Pill boxes and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression, suicidality, writing

Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.

I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.

I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.

Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.

I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.