Tag: baseball

ramblings 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

My blog had quite a lot of views and comments yesterday which made me happy for a little while but I was in a deep funk and still am in a deep funk. I don’t know why but I should stop reading about suicidal stuff because it is giving me ideas. I know I already have them in my head but I keep thinking, if I am not suicidal, then should I kill myself? As the saying goes, you should NOT kill yourself when you ARE suicidal. Mostly that is because you are thinking irrationally. But if you have been thinking irrationally for so long, does it become rational at some point? That is where my thinking is heading. I tend to think about killing myself nearly every day. I have yet to act on it for various reasons. Usually it is an in the moment type of thing but lately I have been thinking of a plan and a date. I KNOW it is because of the time of year. Every late September/early October I get seriously depressed, more so than anything. Since 2005 I have planned my death every single year without fail. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me want to kill myself. I know that baseball season is over and that saddens me to no end. I no longer see pitchers on the mound and balls and strikes being called. Right now it is Postseason but I know that baseball will truly end by mid-October. Around that time is when I always think of ending my life.

I don’t know why this time of year brings me to my knees. I just don’t feel like life is worth living anymore. It is a seasonal pattern but doesn’t fit the usual SAD (Season Affective Disorder) criteria (mostly because I have recurrent depression throughout the year anyways). If it did fit, I probably would not be so crazy this time of the year. I’d get a light box and be done with it. But this is something more. I call it the black dog as I show more signs of depression than at any other time of the year. I just feel so worthless and guilty that all I can do is think about my own demise. The physical symptoms I get is more psychological pain, lethargy, fatigue, loss of pleasure and loss of interest (also known as anhedonia), loss of appetite, crying for no reason, worthlessness, guilt, etc.

I don’t know what takes me out of the black dog. Sometimes it is just perseverance, sometimes it is just means extra support from my therapist and psychopharm. I also have the hospital when it gets too much to bear, but I only use that as the last resort. Some people would say that is not right but I have had over thirty hospitalizations over the past twenty years that I know when I need to be in and when I don’t.  Though there is some literature saying that the hospital is under-utilized for suicidal patients the same can be said that it is over utilized as most clinicians do not know how to treat suicidal clients. And that bothers the hell out of me because there is (going on my Jobes soapbox) there is an assessment form easy to use and is applicable to all modes of therapy called the Suicide Status Form (see Jobes, 2009). If more clinicians used this, there would be less hospitalization and suffering and possibly less suicides. Granted my therapist tries to use this during each suicidal crisis but I wave her off. Not because I am a hypocrite, but because it was my idea and not hers mostly. Could this save my life? Possibly but the thing that bothers me is that she only uses one piece of the form. If you are going to use the form, use the whole of it. It will make your notes easier and all you have to do is have each person sign it (it is a collaborative effort on both the client and clinician parts). I love this ingenious form but I hate it when it is not used properly. But then my therapist has known me for upteen years now so knows what information to get from me to get me away from my suicidal thinking. Another form that is NOT used at all that should is the psychache form by Richard Holden at Queen’s University in Canada. That I have used to monitor my psychache and even modified the form for my needs. Every journal I have has the psychache scale in it. I would reproduce it here but it’s not kosher and I don’t want to get in trouble with the web police for copyrighted information. Holden wrote the article in 2001 and it is printed in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 33(4), 224-232. I find Jobes and Holden to be the best suicidologists in the world because they have come up with assessments that are clinically useful and empirically validated.

I can see it now…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

The Red Sox have taken the lead and win the World Series…OOPS, wrong season wrong year. That is just a dream. The last game of the abysmal, heartbreaking, disappointing 2012 season will be played tonight, in the Bronx, against the mortal enemy, the New York Skankees. The Cowboys of 2003 are long gone. So are the Idiots of 2004. Sadly there is only one player of the former Red Sox Nation that is now a mortal enemy, Derek Lowe. Yes, Landsdowne Lowe is now in pinstripes. This 2012 season cannot get anymore depressing than that.

So go Orioles, BEAT those overpaid Bronx Bombers and win the World series against the Nationals. Least that is my dream for this year. The postseason will be interesting. The underdogs have risen above and will be playing the final games of the year. I will be depressed but always hopeful. As a faithful of Red Sox Nation, there is always next year.

Weather, Baseball, and Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide

10-Sept-12

People often wonder if the weather affects one’s mood. From my experience since having an arthritic spine and suffering from mental illness, weather can certainly affect both. On sunny days, my pain from arthritis is less when the temp is between 40-60 degrees. I tend to like colder weather than hot/warm. I am a New Englander, born and raised in Boston so adapting to temperature fluctuations is a necessity. It might be 50 degrees one day and 70 degrees the next. Although I try to keep track of baramotric pressure, pain is usually my gauge.  The day before thunderstorms I am stuff and will have right hip pain, sometime with pain down the legs.

My mood on the other hand is quite the opposite of what the weather will be. On sunny days I am gloomy and downhearted. Mostly because I do not like bright sunshine. It can cause me to get a migraine just on the brightness alone. On these days I tend to stay in bed or my room because artificial light doesn’t affect me as much as real light does. Being outside on bright days always makes me feel down for some reason. Soon as it’s cloudy my mood will brighten even if my pain is increased. Sometimes when it’s cold and damp I can be in a bad mood but only because my pain levels have spiked and usually because I am incapacitated by it. It’s no fun having to stay in bed when you want to go out because you can’t move.

But I have found that despite this, sometimes moving about is a good thing. I used to and still love walking in the rain. I;, more apt to go out on a dreary rainy day because it compliments my mood. Gray skies and overcast always makes me feel less gloomy. Granted I am not a happy person. Happiness, like sadness, is a feeling that is likely to dissipate with time. Contentment on the other hand is what I strive for because it’s more realistic than the despair and anguish that depression and suicidality brings. Relatively few things make me happy. A nice mocha latte from Starbucks with toffee nut and caramel, my Red Sox boys in a winning year (this year is gone baby gone), and baseball season. I have noticed a correlation between the end of baseball season (end of world series or Sox season) with sadness more than any other time of the year, that is until Feb when baseball season starts to begin to get underway. Some people will call this SAD but SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder) is usually between Nov-April. My depression increases the beginning of Oct (when the sox play their last game) through mid February, which is outside the SAD parameters. So I have what is called BAD-> Baseball Affective Disorder or BDD-Baseball Depressive Disorder. Neither of these diagnoses will unfortunately make its way to the DSM-V (diagnostical statistical manual). Baseball just is not worthy enough to be classified as a major or minor mental disorder. That truly is sad. My psychiatrist agrees with me as what do you do when baseball season is over? How do you survive until spring training? Five months is a long time to go without this wonderful past time.

What I find exciting is you never know what the pitcher is going to throw. He may hit the player, catcher, or umpire. The ball might be foul, a hit, or a pop out. This is what keeps me sane, Baseball is my livelihood because it is America’s past time. No baseball and my already sucky mood becomes gloomier than a rained out game. On the days my Sox are not playing I will watch whatever game is on. Even if it is the stupid Yankees or as Red Sox Nation calls then, the Skankees, well maybe not all of Red Sox Nation, just me.

But I digress from my original line of mood and weather. I know most people love sunshine and hear but I don’t. Give me a cold gloomy day and I will be happier than a pig in mud. Take today. It was bright when I left the house at 9 am this morning. Then by noon it started getting cloudy and looked like it was going to rain. When the first rays of light came through my window I was very grumpy. I didn’t want to get out of bed. When I did, I grumbled, didn’t even take a shower, wanted to end my life and despite all that still got dressed and left my house. When noon rolled around and saw that it was getting cloudy my mood shifted and I felt relief. My contentment come back. I was as grumpy and could face the rest of the day. The temperature was neither cold nor hot, probably in the mid 60s and it was windy. Sunlight and me do not get along. It really makes me depressed where as a cloudy sky will make me happy. And when you have major depression, you will take any happiness you can get, even if it is on a cloudy cold day.

About baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

1-Sept 2012

Last night my favorite baseball team, the red sox, lost horribly to the Oakland A’s. In a combination of bad pitching and former red sox players (they were on the A’s), the A’s beat the crap out of the Sox, 20-2. Now the rest of the world doesn’t know the Sox exist. Even the MLB twitter will only report devastating losses over superb wins with any OTHER team EXCEPT the red sox. It’s like ALL the other teams are more important than the Sox. I have been watching the chatter over the past several weeks and feel this is an injustice. But then I looked at the standings and found that there is one more pitiful team other than the red sox this season,  the Houston Astros. They are currently forty games back, with a 40-92 record!  There are 162 games and this team has managed to lose 92 of them so far. There is still another month of baseball left and football (American)  season starts next week. But as is the case with me, no other sport matters to me as much as baseball. I don’t even recognize the first few games of football no matter how bad the sox are and I keep looking at the MLB’s website to check who is in the post season and wild card games.  Football season to me doesn’t start until the World Series is over, no matter if the sox are in it or not.  The sox might have a chance if they are able to pull it together but under the current management, I doubt it. I cannot stand Bobby Valentine! He just looks and acts like a complete asshole! Instead of words of encouragement , he gives nothing, least what I can see. Least Tito Francona (former Red Sox manager)  always had something positive to say even when someone had the worst outing of their career.

I don’t think there is much hope about a Red Sox post season with the way my beloved sox are playing so far. Yet despite the past 7 losses, I still watch the games, I still keep up with them despite cursing them at every wrong pitch, HR, error, and bad play.  I just can’t help myself.  Like someone said years ago, the sox are like a wife beater. You love them and hate them and keep coming back for more hoping each time that things will be better only for it to stay the same.  These are my SOX and I am a proud member of Red Sox Nation. The world may not think they are great but they are the world to me.