Tag: bipolar disorder

Lost of Interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lost of Interest

I have been losing interest in things I used to enjoy. I no longer go to Starbucks like I used to, I make coffee at home, nor do I have an interest in my favorite sport, baseball. The season started and I hope I gain interest back but it’s doubtful. I still hear the chatter on Twitter to see how good or bad they are playing but I really don’t care like I used to. I don’t even know their record or how many games they have played so far.

I emailed my psychiatrist all this last night. I haven’t heard back from her. I am still hoping to see her on Wed. She said she might have to change the appointment time because even though her schedule says she is free, her secretary might not agree. It will really suck not to see her this week. I will probably page her just to talk to her. I feel like I am losing a handle with the depression. Things are going south, and quickly. I just don’t know what to do to stop it when things don’t interest me anymore.

I made pancakes for the first time since the depression began. I didn’t eat all of them but a good amount. It’s been the only thing I ate all day. I just had an Ensure because I am not hungry but feel woozy. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I really want another pastrami sub but that would involve getting dressed and going out. I am not up for that. If I had cash on me, I would have it delivered but I don’t.

I’m kind of worried about one of my blogger friends. She had a heart attack a few days ago but is afraid of receiving medical care. I hope she doesn’t have another one because that could be fatal. She is alone with her dog in an RV out in the middle of the US. I really like her stories and her. She is a great person. I would hate to lose her so I hope she is ok.

I found a high school friend of mine on Twitter. He is going through a hard time, though I think his depression is more severe than mine at the moment. I hope I can help him through these tough times.

I’m not seeing my father today. I really need to muster the energy to shower but I don’t think it is going to happen. I am just so tired. I woke up a few times during the night so my sleep is all out of whack. I hate when I get interrupted sleep. I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day. I did fill my pill box for the week so I accomplished something. There is a BPD Chat tonight. I don’t think I am going to participate. I am just not up for listening in and talking to people. My energy level is so low that I think I am just going to go back to sleep after I finish this blog. I have no interest in doing anything else.

Saturday blog 46

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my father in the nursing home. They are trying to rehab him for home. He is trying to do his best to get him there. I am not optimistic it is going to happen. He didn’t look good today, really tired and stuff. It was hard being there. My brother in law came with his PJs as we washed them at home. When he left, I did too. I really was sad to see my father so out of it.

I filled out the forms they needed to fill out. Basically they were the same as the ones I filled out in the hospital about DNR and such. My sisters went to the funeral home today to discuss options of cremation. Basically the whole life insurance will be for the funeral and church services. I forget if there will be a wake or not. It’s been a tough day. I hope my sisters are ok. I have been in my own world and haven’t really been asking. They have each other as they are closer to each other than I am to them.

The nursing home is going to be a little difficult for me to get to by walking and taking the T. I am going to try and go Monday afternoon and see how it goes. I just hope my leg can make it up the stupid hill. I never knew the town had hills. It’s not as steep as the ones in my neighborhood but it’s still a climb and will be a challenge. I just hope it doesn’t snow like they say it will. Otherwise, it will be another day.

I find it weird that my mother hasn’t asked how I have been doing since I told her that my father is dying. She told me today that she won’t be going to the wake or funeral. That is fine. They are divorced and she is not obligated to at all. Though it will be weird not having her there. I never thought about this. I just hope there isn’t questions as to why she isn’t there.

I have been trying to keep this blog going every day but with the stress of my father dying, I am not sure I can keep it up. It’s very difficult to write what I want without appearing like a bastard. I really miss the days when I was able to write and things would flow. That hasn’t been happening lately. I try to write at least 500 words. That to me is like a magic blog number. If I can write at least that many words, then I have accomplished something. But it’s extremely difficult and lately around 350 words, I lose gas. It’s easier when things happen during the day but even then, my thinking is so clouded by depression it’s hard to pluck words. So if there is a day that there is no blog, just know that I am still around but just having a hard time trying to write. I know I have daily readers and I thank you for reading.

Night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night filled with Pain

I didn’t have any weird dreams last night but I did wake up at 0300 in pain. It woke me from a sound sleep and I couldn’t get back asleep until a few hours later. My day was shot before it began. My foot and ankle have been competing most of the day as to who is going to hurt me more. I didn’t go out today. My father is getting transferred to a rehab facility today. It’s a place a few towns over and I hope it’s on a bus line.

I would have gone today but I am in too much pain. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am sore today. I just slept most of the day with the aid of pain medication. I really need sleep and relief from my pain if I am going to be of any use to my sisters over the next few weeks. I am so tired that writing this blog is painful. My thoughts are just not there. I am very sad to hear that my father only has a few weeks left to live. I just can’t wrap my head around it right now.

I know that my grief is going to complicate my depression or vice versa. It’s going to be hard to tease out the biological cause from the emotional cause. I thought I would be immune to it but I guess I am not. I know I have moved on mentally from my father but there is still some attachment. I know that I probably will have to go in the hospital after all is said and done. I’m hoping not but you never know.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the news. I haven’t heard back. I also asked her if our appointment next week was still a go. I really need her support through this. I was tempted to page her to talk to her because I was out of my element. I have never been as sad as I was last night. The pain I think made it worse. I had wanted to eat something but I could barely stand on my foot last night. I drank a couple of Ensures for my dinner.

I think I ate my last pastrami sub for a while. It was very good but it’s been the only thing I have been eating all week. I haven’t touched the food that I bought. I still have black bean burgers and tuna. I just have lost interest in eating them. I hope tomorrow I can eat some of them. I still have my sourdough bread, though it’s weeks old now so not that fresh anymore. Maybe I can make French toast out of it before it becomes penicillin.