Tag: bipolar disorder

random 878

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I talked with my therapist this morning. We agreed to take it day by day. I really need to have all my ducks in a row or close to it, for me to go to the hospital. Since making the decision to go, I have been feeling a little better. It will give me the break I need from the stress of all I have been going through.

I am supposed to visit my father tonight. I am apprehensive about it. I haven’t seen him in a few days. I hope that he is in a better mood tonight. I don’t bother calling him because he can be difficult on the phone and not really hear what you are saying. I think the guy reads lips and that is how he gets by. If his hearing is going, which it probably is, that will make things easier for him. But for right now, I am just fretting about the visit. I will be with my sisters so it shouldn’t be too bad. I hope we don’t stay too long.

I called the social worker at the nursing home and left another message for him to call me back. He has yet to return any of my calls. I hope he can call me tomorrow because I really know what time the meeting is going to be so I can plan either to keep my therapy appointment or to cancel it. Last time, it was too late to cancel because he called me after 1330, which was less than the 24 hour rule. We ended up doing a phone conference which didn’t benefit my father at all. We might have to do another phone conference call if this idiot doesn’t call me.

After I have this meeting and if I am able to keep my therapy appointment, I will make plans to go to the hospital. I think I am going to bring my suitcase as I can fit more stuff in it than a backpack. I can then use the backpack for my books and pens and stuff. I still don’t know what to pack as I am not sure where I will be going. I have to remember to bring my phone charger. I think I will leave my tablet at home. If I need it, I can always ask my sister to bring it.

I was talking with a friend tonight and she doesn’t want me to go to the hospital where I was before. I told her I rather be there because I know the place and will be able to have my phone. I know they won’t be able to “help” me. Most hospitals don’t really help you anyways, not like they used to. I just hope I don’t go to a hospital where I don’t want to be.

Depression Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depression continues

I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist, back to back. Both were a few minutes late. I told my psych about the depression and how hard it’s getting to blog or even take an interest in things. I didn’t tell her my appetite still is poor. It was difficult to talk to her as my thoughts were slow and I would start saying something and then forget what I was saying mid-sentence. She said the sadness was normal. I told her the Zoloft is helping me cope at this point. She wanted to increase it but I told her no. I think it’s starting to make me sick and I don’t want more. If anything I wanted to decrease it but I will stay at my current dose of 50 mg for the time being. I also told her I was also having post nasal drip so that could be contributing to the nausea as well. I haven’t sorted it out yet. I wasn’t nauseous this morning so I am thinking it’s just the post nasal drip that has me sick.

In therapy we talked about going to the hospital. I told her I don’t think I am depressed enough to be admitted because I am not suicidal. My therapist’s fear is that when I have energy back, I will become suicidal. She could tell how tired I was in my voice. She thinks my not eating is reason enough for admission. I told her I would email my psych and see what she thinks. Things were going fine until my sister texted me about my father wanting lozenges. I kind of lost it. Something in me snapped. I don’t get why she couldn’t call the floor if she could call him. I did call but of course you need a bloody doctor’s order for it. I told my sister to get him a bag of Halls for tonight when she sees him. I won’t be seeing him tonight. I am fricken exhausted and my leg is killing me. It’s swollen and my psychiatrist saw that it was swollen. I was scared she was going to send me to the ER but she didn’t. I just really need to stay off it so the swelling has a chance to go down.

My psych emailed me back. She is fine with me being admitted and I can be admitted if I go to the ER. So now I got a choice to make. I will feel guilty. I know this will put added stress on my sisters as I won’t be there, but I do need to get this depression under control. It’s been three and a half months now and no sign that things are going to get better. I think I will be going to the ER where my psych works. It will be difficult because my former coworkers will be running my tox screens and blood tests. Least now the labels don’t have a diagnosis on them anymore. I know they are going to ask “why now, what has changed”? I will just say I feel more hopeless about my future than I did before. Now the question is what the hell do I pack? I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I just don’t know what bag to pack, my suitcase or a backpack.

Sad and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad and Hurting

I had a meeting with my father’s treatment team today. He is improving as well as a dying man can be. They think with time, he will be able to come home once his stamina and strength are back. I went to see him in the afternoon as I needed to sign some papers and give a copy of the health care proxy. When I went to his room and he was sleeping so I just let him be. I didn’t want to get him riled up. Walking to the place from Mass Ave was a doozy. It was a steeper hill than I thought it was. I was able to climb up it but it took a lot out of me. Then I stood for the hour for the bus. My ankle and calves are not happy with me. I know I am going to need extra medication tonight for pain. I already took an Ativan to calm the calf muscles down some. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow and I need to go out to see my psychiatrist. I have the rest of the week to rest. I now know a better way to get to the nursing home than the way I went. I am glad the place is T accessible or I would be screwed to get there. I would have to go with my sister every time and that is annoying.

I only had a cold cut sandwich today for breakfast. I am not hungry for anything except a pastrami sub. I have no idea why that is my comfort food right now but it is. And the thing is, I am running low on funds so I might only be able to get one more and that is it. Sucks living off a monthly check.

I had therapy today. We talked about the Zoloft. I think it’s starting to make me sick but I have Zofran to counteract the nausea. I just have to run it by my psych that it’s ok to take it. I think it’s helping me to cope with all this stress. I don’t want to increase it just yet because if it is making me sick, it will just get worse. I might have to lower the dose. The nausea is worse in the morning then gets better so we’ll just have to see how it plays out. Plus I have post nasal drip that is also worse in the morning so it could be a combination of medication and the PND making me sick.

We also talked about my father for most of the session and my mother’s latest spell. I am just sad that both are sick at the same time. But the good news is that being sad is normal and different than my depression. It’s kind of weird being sad when you are depressed. I am very stressed about my father’s illness and his cognitive decline. He was at the conference call with the treatment team but didn’t understand what was going on. That was part of the reason I didn’t want to wake him up because I knew he would want me to sign him out. And I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and I can’t find my compression bandage wrap thing. You always find it when you aren’t looking for it. I know I need to get another one because the one I have is too tight due to the swelling of my ankle. I think I will need an XL. I need to go to Walgreens because trying to find it online is not as easy as it sounds. You only get a million choices and you really don’t know if it’s really what you are looking for. I already took two pain pills for the throbbing. I hope to sleep in a few hours from now. I really hope the throbbing doesn’t get worse or turn into severe pain. I know I did too much standing today and I am going to pay for it. I just hope I can walk tomorrow so I can see my psychiatrist.

My therapist asked about my writing. I told her about the difficulty of writing my blog some days. Like yesterday it took me an awful long time just to write a little more than 300 words. I had a lot to say but I just couldn’t get my brain to crank out the words with my fingers. I actually did better writing in my journal than typing. Maybe I will do that next time and then try and type what I write. She said to bring this up to my psychiatrist as it’s a symptom of the depression. I don’t know when this cognitive stuff is going to leave me. I thought being on an SSRI would help some of the physical symptoms but it hasn’t. I have low appetite, sleep is affected, energy is affected, I feel guilty most of the time for no reason, also feel worthless, and now the cognitive stuff. It just really sucks. I want to be able to be there for my family but I am declining. I am so tired all the time, even with getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I am surprised I had the energy to climb up the hill to the nursing home but now I am totally wiped out. I know tomorrow is going to be worse.

Stressed out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Stressed out

I am so stressed out that I don’t know what to do. My mother is in the hospital and will be coming home shortly. My father doesn’t like being in the nursing home so my sister is trying to get him out. My phone has been ringing all day. I feel like hiding. I don’t know if they will need a health care proxy to get him out of the nursing home. I am stressing that I will have to trek all the way there.

I talked with my psychiatrist today which was good. She agreed that I am under a lot of stress between both parents. I was also talking with my therapist but then got cut off. My stupid phone lost signal.

I am just in a deep depression where all I want to do is sleep and be left alone. I did eat today and a neighbor brought some food over so I will be having that tonight. I was going to order a pastrami sandwich but I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I still have a bucket of vomit that needs to be cleaned before my mother gets home from the hospital. Every time I think of it, I want to vomit. I have been thinking of ways to clean it. I figure if I throw some hot water in it and dilute it some, I can throw it in the toilet and then clean the bucket. But I don’t want to do anything right now. I just want to sleep.

It’s so hard writing today. My thoughts are slow again. I feel bad for my sister who has to shuffle around between the places to go to my father’s place and then to the hospital where my mother is. I am glad I don’t have a car or I would be the one shuffling all over the place.