Tag: bipolar disorder

Rainy Day in Boston

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Day in Boston

I had an aggravating day and the rain didn’t make things better. I don’t know why I don’t carry my pain meds on me when I know I am going to be out of the house for more than a few hours. I was at the hospital visiting my father because the social worker was suppose to come by between 11-1130. I wanted to be there because we had some things to discuss. 1230 comes by, nothing. 1330 comes by, nothing. Another hour passes and I am pissed now. The nurse finally got a hold of her for our concerns and the paperwork we needed. The idiot gave me the stupid run around about the health care proxy. I was supposed to give it to her was my understanding but she said the social worker needed it so that was what I was waiting for. Soon after that, my sisters got my father all riled up and I took that cue to fucking leave. My foot was ready to explode in pain and I wanted to be close to home when it did.

Except when I was close to home, my sister said I needed to fill out some more paperwork and had to go back to the hospital. I was cursing. My foot was cursing. The three metatarsals that always give me grief in the rain exploded and I had to limp back to the hospital and the care unit where my father was. It was the longest walk I ever walked. Then of course, I had to walk the same way back to the train station. I am in so much pain and the rain is not helping me out one bit despite the temp being in the fifties.

When I got to the hospital, the prognosis of my father was given. He has weeks to live, maybe a month if you push it somehow. We finally have an answer. Not one we were anticipating but it’s better than not knowing and leaving uncertainty. My sisters and I are making arrangements and such. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but I can’t. I am just so damn sad.

Before all the trips to the hospital, I went to Starbucks and got a caramel Macchiato and a breakfast sandwich. Then when I was at the hospital, I had half of my father’s turkey sandwich. I think I will finish the day with an Ensure as I am not in the mood for anything else. I thought about making a tuna sandwich but my foot will kill me if I stand on it. I took some pain meds and I am already starting to feel the effects. I don’t think going down some stairs right now will be a good idea.

Terrible Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Terrible Dream

I had a dream that I was a sniper and my mission was to kill my father. It was the freakiest dream I ever had. As he was coming into range, I was placing a bullet in the chamber of the rifle. Then I woke up. I was drenched in sweat. The whole dream was about guns and loading them. Talk about weird things.

I don’t know what to make of the dream. Maybe my therapist and I can sort it out when I talk to her next week. I hope I never have another dream like that again. It felt so real, yet it also felt like I was on a show as I could hear the audience oooing and ahhing as I was placing the bullet. Just fucking weird.

Now it’s almost 0200 and I can’t go back to sleep because I feel like a murderer even though I didn’t do anything. It was just a dream. I know before falling asleep last night I was thinking of my father’s rifle and how he is never going to be able to get it back. It will forever be in a police lock up place. Yes, my father owns a gun. He has had this rifle since I was a kid. He never showed us how to use it or anything of the sort but we knew he would use it for hunting wild game. He liked to shoot pheasants, rabbits, and other game. He never shot big animals like deer, least not that I know of. This was the same gun that he used to almost kill someone in my family more than 20 years ago. The gun was never fired or pointed, but it was loaded. I saw that it was. I remember it as clear as day.

It’s never good to remember this stuff at this hour. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of that night. Almost like I had a flashback or intrusive memory coming at me. I went through this all last month. Now it seems that I am going to go through it tonight. Think I will take some Ativan and see if that helps stop the terror. It’s always amazes me that something that happened more than 20 years ago still affects me today. The thoughts and feeling of that night coming back to haunt me. I guess no matter what, you will always remember traumatizing nights. I just wish it would have happened at an hour that I could call my therapist to talk to her. I also feel like taking a trilafon so that I can be numbed out. It will kill the voices though and I am not sure I want that. But the drug will scramble my thoughts and make them less scary. I’ll see of the Ativan takes care of things first and then if I need to, I will take the trilafon.

weight and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Weight and other things

I had therapy today. We talked about my father’s prognosis for a little bit and then she asked me about the weight issues. I read to her what I wrote last night about the issues. I haven’t gained that much weight back since eating regularly, but I think I am still eating less than or close to 1000 calories a day. I told her it was all or nothing with my eating and then we got to how my father perceives me as ugly and fat. He has stopped calling me this the last few years when my sister yelled at him for it. I have always been on the heavy side growing up, not obese like I am now, but 10-30 pounds overweight. Now I am a lot more than that. Meds have played a significant factor as the paxil caused me to gain nearly 20 pounds and it took a lot of work just to lose 10 of those suckers. I have always been careless about my eating habits. I know I don’t eat healthy and I am not trying to be healthy, but I am trying to reach a goal weight so I am taking advantage of the low appetite to do that. I am eating, just small meals, like a bowl of cereal or half a sandwich. It’s really all I can eat anyways. I don’t remember the last time I made an egg for breakfast. I just eat whatever, at home though. I don’t eat out, except to have the pastrami subs. Getting Pastrami at the deli isn’t the same.

I visited my father though I really didn’t want to. It really bothers me seeing him so sick and lifeless. Today he was more with it than in the last previous days so that was good. He still isn’t talkative and he does mumble a bit. He ate a pear today with some home made pasta my sister brought him. He didn’t drink the Ensure so I had the half my sister didn’t pour in a cup. The only good news is that his neuropathy is gone as mysteriously as it came.

My therapist almost had a field day on me today because she felt like she found the “gold mine” to my problems. Most of it has to do with how I view myself and how my father perceives me. I still hear his voice calling me ugly and fat. It’s going to take some work to undo that damage. I told her how my niece called me “beautiful” and I wanted to scream at her that I wasn’t. I really wanted to go off on her and correct her that I wasn’t. I didn’t because my niece would have been hurt and confused. Didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel this way. I know I have body image issues and gender dysphoria that plays into the weight thing. I feel ugly so I feel that I should be fat. But with me losing weight, that part of me is losing its power and it’s scaring me. If I reach my target weight, I am not sure how I will feel.

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.