Tag: bipolar disorder

Back Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am not feeling really well today. My back is still kinked up, making it hard to move and get around. I am watching my niece and just made her lunch. Now I need to rest for a bit. It is still pretty cold out. She and her cousin went out for a little bit. I went outside to see where they were but couldn’t see where. I panicked a little bit but they came home like five minutes later, much to my relief.

I was able to sneak upstairs to my room for therapy. It was another boring session. She tried to get me to get out of the trapped feeling but it’s no use. I need to do what I need to do. I know she may not like it but oh well. I really don’t care. I told her our time next week might be disrupted because my father needs to see his doctor. She didn’t like that idea. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment Wednesday. That day is supposed to be bad with weather so I might have to do it Thursday. It would be better if we can see him Friday. Then I don’t have to worry about missing therapy.

I have been listening to Eric Church via my earbuds for most of the afternoon. I find that it’s helping to pass away time while my niece and cousin do their own thing. They are watching a movie now. I am tired and really want a nap but that would be derelict in my duties so I need to stay awake. The 600 mg of IB I took seems to be helping my back pain. I can move a little better, but I still am not standing straight.

Aside from feeling physically awful with my back, I am feeling miserable mood wise. I am glad the kids aren’t talking with me because I am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I am just not talkative today. My thoughts are slow too. Just to read ten pages in a book was painful. I don’t think I am going to read anymore today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up every couple of hours because of back pain. Every time I moved, I hurt. I kept having to switch sides and it hurt really bad. I hope the temp stays where it is so I can recover.

I did some research today via the web. It was useful and I can draw on it to make a story out of it. I just got to think of it. But today is not the day. I am much to tired. I wish it was four already so I could go up to my room and sleep. I don’t have much of an appetite today. I had a sandwich for breakfast and a banana. That’s been it along with some apple juice. I am sure the reason for not being hungry is because I am depressed. I just don’t care about anything anymore.

I found out what my therapist wanted me to write the other day. She wanted me to write about her caring about me. There, I wrote it. Probably not what she intended me to write but oh well. That is all that I have to say on the matter.

Pain All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My back went out sometime this morning because of the damn temperature changes. I have been in agony with every movement. I had to do my father’s meds and the ride over there nearly killed me. It was the first time out in almost a week. The activity exhausted me. But then, I haven’t really had anything to eat today. I had cereal this morning and that has been it. I might have a cereal bar later. I am hoping my pain meds will work to take this pain away so I can at least move without it hurting so damn much.
I got to call my father’s PCP sometime in the next week to see him and to find out when to get his INR restarted. This really screws up my plans to see my therapist before my plans are initiated. Now it doesn’t look like I will see her.

I had therapy today. I told her my plans and the date on which I would do them. She seemed a little more freaked out than I thought she would be. No matter. I have another session with her tomorrow. I really don’t know why I asked for it. I have to babysit tomorrow morning and I don’t want little ears hearing my conversation with her.

After therapy, I tried to snooze and probably would have if my phone wasn’t going off with messages. I had to keep an ear out because I was waiting for my sister to call me. I never got the much needed nap and now I feel like shit. I wanted to make oatmeal pancakes so bad today but I couldn’t with my back the way it is. I don’t think I will be able to make them tomorrow because I am babysitting. It will have to wait until Friday, I guess. I should be better by then and I will have nothing to do.

I have to make some burritos soon before they go to waste. They have been sitting on my counter for at least a month now. Maybe if I feel up to it, I will make my egg burrito. There are two things that I want next week when I get paid. I want to have my roast beef sandwich with onion rings and Chinese food, not in that order. The sandwich I will get after I do my father’s meds next week. The Chinese food will probably be the next day.

My ankle is starting to hurt. Figures it has to join in the fun of bringing me pain. I already took my pain meds so that should kill the pain. My therapist wasn’t too much of a pain in the ass today like I thought she would be. She did want me to tell my psychiatrist and that I am not willing to do. I will end up in the hospital and they don’t help. It will be a waste of fucking time. I am not going back. I did tell her about my financial stress and she says I could have a payment plan with the IRS. I hope so because otherwise, I am fucking screwed. I won’t know the verdict for the next 30 days. I just hope my plan kills me rather than just knocks me out to oblivion.

Random 812

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I intended to write another blog last night but sleep overcame me and I didn’t write. I woke up around midnight with my nose clogged up. I couldn’t breath. I tried every method I could think of to open the clogged nostril to no avail. Then I got tired and went back to sleep.

Sleep didn’t last long. A couple of hours at best. And now I am up, least until I decide if I am going to make breakfast or go back to slumber. My back is hurting, probably because of the temp fluctuations. It has gone from zero degrees to fifty-five to back down to thirty-three. My back doesn’t like this. It’s hard to stand up and move. I hurt so bad

Last night, my father was taken to the ER. He was complaining of being short of breath. I don’t know what the outcome of the visit was other than his INR was 7.4. Now I got to call his doctor’s office and see what they want to do. Fuck. It was 1.3 last week. Balancing his INR levels are so damn tricky. He hasn’t been stable with them in quite a while. It’s driving me crazy. I found out from my sister that they admitted him. My sister wanted to know if I wanted to visit him but it’s too close to my appointment time with my therapist so I said no. Plus, the stupid drop in temp by 20 degrees has me stiffer than an ironing board. I can’t move without pain. Back is all tight. So it doesn’t look like I will be going out again today.

I am starting to feel cooped up. I hope the pain meds eases up my back as well as the Ativan. I really want to get started on my research. I didn’t want to do it at the house, but it doesn’t look like I am having a choice. Or maybe I should just give up my research.

I feel like drinking gin. Maybe when I have my big blow out, I will have some. If I didn’t take my meds, I probably would have a shot. I don’t care that it’s before noon. Maybe it will help sleeping for a while, too. It probably isn’t going to help my back but maybe it will hurt a little less.

I haven’t heard back from the PT people. I am tired of calling people and then they don’t call back. I think I am going to have to fax my prescription to the office and then maybe they will call me. Trouble is I don’t have a fax machine. I would have to call my neurosurgeon’s office and have them do it. I really don’t want to go to another PT session but I think it will help. If I can just learn the exercises to get rid of my hip pain and my thigh pain, I will be alright!

Just Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Just Write

Those were the last words my therapist told me before ending our session. No direction or clue what I am to write about, “just write”. I hate when she does this, like it’s a magical cure or something. I wish it was.

She read my blog about our last session. She wasn’t too pleased with it but she was happy I wrote it. It gave her some insight. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. We had spent nearly two sessions on Hyde and I really didn’t want a third. We did talk about my suicidality a bit. I didn’t give details. She kept asking for them and I deferred. She doesn’t need to know what my plan is. It’s not going to kill me anyway, and I keep thinking, magically, that it will. I just want oblivion and hopefully it will happen.

I woke up exhausted. Dealing with pain all weekend just totally wiped me out. It was a much warmer day today (55 degrees) and it killed me to stay inside but I too tired to get dressed. Too tired to do anything that would make going out happen. I was really cold after my session. I needed a nap. So I tried to take one and I couldn’t fall asleep. I called my father’s doctor to set up an appointment with him. The secretary called back with a number I didn’t recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I had to call again. Drives me nuts.

I didn’t tell my therapist about my financial stress that I am under. I meant to, but I just couldn’t. I feel like a failure because of this stress. I haven’t even talked to my sister about it. The shame it’s bringing me is great, almost to suicidal proportions. I just cannot fathom how I am going to pay this money when I get only three thousand dollars more a year than what I owe. And it’s seriously going to take some budgeting to save at least half what I owe. I don’t know if I can do it on my income.

Because I didn’t go out today, I didn’t start my research. I might have to start on Thursday. Tomorrow I got to deal with my father and his meds. I have to go in the afternoon and he isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s the only time I can come by as I have therapy around noon.