Tag: bipolar disorder

rambling on and on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a rough couple of days because my father has been sick. I have been meaning to post a non-password protected post but I have been so exhausted, it hasn’t happened.

I am struggling because my sleep has been off the past few nights and then the asshole called me at 0630 this morning, waking me from a dead sleep, because he wanted to make sure I got him underwear (he is in the hospital for pneumonia). He is just beyond considerate of anyone’s sleep or needs or anything else. But I know that is the narcissist in him. Understanding the bastard has been the only way I stay in the loop. Otherwise, I would tell my sister the heave ho. She is at the same place I am but she works so has more stress on her than I do. I try to ease whatever stress I can for her.

I had my pain management appointment today. I cannot believe that medical assistants know NOTHING about medications. I know I always was interested in drugs since wanting to be a doctor myself, but come on! I know there had to be a pharmacology class you had to take to know the different schedule of drugs and what they were used for, etc. Every month I get the same medication refilled and the MA thinks it’s just a regular medication you get refilled. If it was, do you think I would need an appointment to get it?? Just pisses me off to no end.

I brought up to the NP that my ear was bothering because my nose keeps getting clogged. She thinks it’s rebound from Afrin, but I don’t think it is only because I don’t use it much for it to cause my nose to be this clogged up. She gave me Flonase to try to break up the congestion. It’s generic so I am weary of how it’s going to work. I haven’t been on it since I had a bad sinus infection years ago. It worked great, I could breathe. I hope the nasal spray is like Afrin where it doesn’t drip back down because that will be gross.

I am debating going back out tonight to pick up my prescriptions. I am just waiting for one to be done and then I will decide. I told them tomorrow would be fine and that might still be the case. I am just so damn tired and my ankle/foot is just bad. I walked a lot around the hospital today to get to my appointment and to my father’s building where he is staying. I don’t think I will visit him tomorrow. I need a rest from him. I am also going to put the do not disturb function on my phone when I go to bed tonight so he doesn’t call me. Whatever he needs, can wait until I am fucking awake.

I don’t know what I am going to have for supper. I am not hungry but I know I will be. My mother made a cauliflower casserole type thing but put too much fucking garlic in it. Garlic and cauliflower do not mix, in my opinion. But then I love cauliflower plain or with breadcrumbs and egg. I rather she make it that way. My stomach just has a hard time digesting garlic for some reason. It really bothers my stomach so I avoid it. I like the flavor but not the cloves. Maybe I will make pancakes.

I can’t wait for therapy tomorrow. I just hope I don’t spend all session talking about my damn father. Think I will text my therapist that he is off subject, again. Three straight days of dealing and I am done.

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.

The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.

I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.

It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.

Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.

I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.

Sleepy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy Friday

I didn’t get enough rest most of the week so I think today made up for it. Plus my back has been on and off cramping and in pain. I wanted to make pancakes for breakfast but I couldn’t stand up straight so I made an egg burrito instead. I planned on making the pancakes for lunch but that never happened. I am not even hungry and it’s close to dinner time. My mother will be making fish.

I still think my back is out of sorts because of the damn weather. It keeps fluctuating between 10-15 degrees, enough to cause havoc on me. My ever so understanding mother, keeps telling me to get a back brace, like that is going to solve the problem. I didn’t tell her my back was the reason I was sleeping all day or why I didn’t go out. She just doesn’t fucking getting and I am tired of explaining myself to a dead horse.

I found out today that Harper Lee passed away today. I am glad she wrote her second book before she died. I had read “To Kill a Mockingbird” in high school. It was a very good book.

I sent out my last blog to my psychiatrist but omitted the last paragraph. I don’t know if she read it or not as I haven’t heard from her. I was hoping she would be back in the office this week but I guess not. I hope her family member is not deathly ill. I will feel really sad.

I started writing a therapy journal in one of the composition notebooks that I have. I am going to record each session after they happen just so I know what goes on. Then I can blog about it, if I choose. I had the idea that it might work so that I can remember more of what happens in therapy as soon as I hang up, my thoughts go out the window. For once, I would like to jot down my thoughts and see where they lead.

I had taken a Zyrtec D pill yesterday because I thought it would help with this damn congestion that I have. Wrong. It helped relieve the sinus pressure a little bit but now I am all clogged up again and can’t breathe through my nose. I can’t use Afrin because I don’t have an airway to breathe in the medicine. I just have to wait and I am getting impatient. But my nose is running just fine with mucus, despite being clogged. I guess I rather have it in the front of my throat than in my back. If it was the reverse, I might be puking/gagging. I want something warm, like a hot chocolate or tea. Maybe when I go back downstairs, I will make it. I have been wanting a hot chocolate all day.

I can’t wait till Monday. I have the meeting with my NP and I hope she can give me something for this. My ears have been off with all this congestion. Last night it was so bad I was contemplating going to the urgent care center they have by Walgreens. It just opened up a month or two ago. But I haven’t been feeling good to walk anyways, even though I would love a Mountain Dew right now. I hope my back is better tomorrow so I can go out and maybe get a latte.

I am Dumb

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My ex got in touch with me tonight. She still hasn’t told me what she wants. She just keeps asking how I am. I refuse to answer. She has lost the right to know how I feel. She changed her Facebook profile. I don’t know if she has done this to get in touch with me or if there is another reason. Frankly, I could care less.

As much as I didn’t want to do it, I did some research on the subject I am looking for on Google. I got some interesting results. And it makes me sick and more depressed. I have been trying to write a story about narcissism NOT using my father as an example but that is proving to be impossible. Every example that I have read tonight points toward him and his ways. I will say that my therapist is wrong about narcissistic injury. You can only have that type of injury if you are narcissistic and I am definitely not. I did one of the online test and scored very low. The test even called me humble, something that I know my father is not. He is a cunning bastard. From what I gather from multiple sources is that there is no getting around this personality. You are best to leave the person. Oh, how I would LOVE to do that. I would do it in a heartbeat and not look back.

What I learned is that the narcissist is incapable of love. I knew this on some level but it was confirmed tonight. I am unloveable and have been for quite some time. I don’t believe anyone that says they love me because my father lies so much. He only says it now because he is a despicable person and thinks he is being truthful. That is his way of showing he “cares” but he could give two shits. He has no feeling for us, my sisters and I, in reality. It’s all in his mind and as long as you go along with it, all is hunky dory. That is why I don’t argue with him, even though it angers me so. I have learned not to show my anger, least not to him or anyone else I care about. Hell, I don’t even show it to my therapist though she provokes me sometimes.

My therapist says she cares and that she loves me. My psychiatrist I know cares but I shield it off, especially when my suicidality is at its peak. It’s too dangerous to have these people care for a moron like me. I am nothing and always will be. I am good for nothing. This has been instilled in me since I was young and continues to this day because of the cunning ways of my father. He is not a dad by any means. He is a sperm donor to me. I am never right. I am always wrong. And that is the way it living under the roof of a narcissist.

I am wasting more money on books next week. One of them is called “rethinking Narcissism” by Craig Malkin. I figure I might as well read it to further poison myself. I doubt it will change my thinking of myself. My therapist and psych have tried for years. But it’s all a sham. My father would say that I am crazy for seeking help, if he knew. Hell, he did tell me to kill myself, so I do have his permission to do so. If I wasn’t afraid of heights, the Tobin might be my way out. But I have other plans. I always have other plans. It’s what I do. I plan my death all the time. So in moments when I feel like acting, there just has to be a time and place to act on it. I haven’t been successful as I wouldn’t be writing this if I was. I am a loser at killing myself. I always seem to tell someone important to me that I am going to do it and then they thwart me from going through with it. I am dumb, just like my father says I am.

I haven’t eaten much the last few days. I wish I could say that it was on purpose but I just have no appetite. Today I ate a little better but small meals. A sandwich here, soup there. I just don’t feel like eating. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I kind of know when a depression is coming because my appetite because scarce. But I have enough fat so I am not worrying about being underweight. I might be malnourished but that is a matter of debate. Most people think that because you are overweight, you are well-nourished. I wish that were true but it’s not. I hardly eat what I am supposed to. Sugar and fat is my diet mostly, hence my composition. But this article isn’t about weighty matters.