Tag: bipolar disorder

Feeling Better, I Think

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling Better, I think

I didn’t have my eight straight hours of sleep like I wanted but I got five straight and then another three so I think that balances out. My groceries came and I got an extra 4 pack of bran muffins. I don’t think I will eat all of them so my mother had me freeze them in our dilapidated freezer. It’s going and my mother needs to get a new fridge but for whatever reason, we always have problems with the delivery.

I am still feeling nauseous today so I am just going to stay home. It’s not helping that the post nasal drip is causing gagging at times. I did a lot today, putting the groceries away and going up and down stairs. I had to order a burger because I have been thinking about it for some time now so that is what I had for lunch. I am thinking of having the black bean burger for supper. Depends on how hungry I get. Lately, I just have been able to eat one meal and that is it. I am done for the day.

I was going to go to my father’s to throw away some meat that he bought but I think I will do that tomorrow. It’s not going anywhere and he is still in the hospital so he won’t know the difference.

I took my psych meds last night and I am feeling better. Not 100% but close to it. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist on the refill. I hope she checks her email soon. I feel really depressed today. All I want to do is sleep but soon as I lie down, my thoughts go in a million directions. Then soon as I get to the final drop off, usually forty-five minutes to an hour later, my phone or some noise will stir me awake and I can’t get back to the level of sleepiness. I don’t know how people can sleep for 15 minutes. If I sleep, I am down for the count.

I need to take a shower today but I think I will take one tonight. I am kind of sleepy right now and took my pain meds because my ankle is being a bitch. I should be knocked out soon. I still have the whisperer on and that is helping to keep my brain calm. It really helped me last night to get to sleep. I am hoping it will help me take a nap, too.

The new nasal spray is not helping my congestion 100%. My right nostril is still clogged and I can’t get it to open up. I want to use afrin but the NP said to stop as I was getting rebound congestion. I am passing little air and it’s so annoying. It’s not helping my sinus pressure that I feel or the sinus headache. I was hoping it would help the post nasal drip but that doesn’t seem to be happening either. It’s making me feel like I am coming down with a cold but I don’t feel like cold symptoms are there. Just the congestion.

Overtired to the Max

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Overtired to the Max

I have been up since 0500. For the last two hours, I have been trying to sleep, but the events of the day keep creeping in my head and I can’t sleep. Plus the damn wind has kicked up a few hundred notches so it’s shaking my side of the house. Just fucking wonderful. I really envy my mother who can sleep through anything and fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I am feeling better but I am hungry. I am too scared to go down the stairs because I don’t want the dizziness to return. I know I will be starving in the morning. But I will make an egg burrito and that should keep me satisfied.

I emailed my psychiatrist to get a refill on the medication that I need. I thought about telling her about my syncope/vertigo episode but she is out of the office and I was afraid she would want me to go to the ER or something. I want to see if taking all my meds tonight helps. But this feeling of being overtired is making me sick, literally. I feel so nauseous.

I don’t know why I feel like an asshole, but I do. I can’t get the stupid events out of my head from today and I feel like an idiot because of the way I acted, even though I didn’t think I acted out of line. GGGRRRRR. It’s driving me crazy.

I texted my therapist to tell her about the events and how I was feeling. I told her I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist. Then I remembered her pager is probably signed out to another clinician, which doesn’t help me much. All I can do is email her and hope she gets it. I am kind of annoyed that she is out of the office. I understand that a family member is sick and she needs to take care of that person. I just feel shafted because I haven’t seen her in more than a month and there is no indication that she is coming back to the office soon. I miss her and need to talk to her face to face or via telephone not email. I am just frustrated and irritable right now. Even the wind is pissing me off.

I put on my whisperer thingy. It helps my brain to shut down. I don’t know why it works, but I am usually asleep within 15 minutes of listening to it whoosh. That with the Ativan I took, should knock me out and I swear if I wake up before 0600 tomorrow I am going to be really pissed. I have been up almost 19 hours straight. I really would like at least six hours or more of sleep.

I think I need to go back to my repro endo doc because as much as I really like having facial hair, growing it without taking testosterone is concerning me. I had an incidentaloma on my pituitary gland a few years ago. It wasn’t significant at the time but now that more hair is growing, I am getting a little freaked out that it has grown. I have to take a shower tomorrow, as long as I am not dizzy so will shave my face again. I also need to get a haircut.

Feeling weird 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Feeling weird

I just came home from running an errand for my sister. As I was approaching my house, I got a severe attack of dizziness. I swear I was drunk as I couldn’t walk straight or stand straight and felt like I was going to pass out. The feeling has passed but soon as I came back up the stairs, the feeling returned. I fear that if I lie down, I am going to pass out. It wouldn’t be a bad thing as I feel like crap anyways. But I am afraid of vomiting as I am nauseous. My back is cramping really bad. I have been drinking powerade because I think I am dehydrated. I also think I am going through withdrawal from one of my psych meds as I haven’t taken it all week. I skipped a couple doses because I just have been too tired to fill my pill box from the stress of this week. I plan on taking it tonight because this feeling of dizziness and shakiness and syncope sucks.

I had therapy today. I was feeling awful while I was talking with her and shouldn’t have left the house. I really haven’t been eating or drinking anything the past few days, though my urine is clear so I don’t think I am dehydrated, unless I am in renal failure. But I think I would feel a lot worse if that was the case. I had some pancakes for breakfast and some mac and cheese. I felt better after eating and thought I was okay. I didn’t expect the vertigo sensation to return so quickly. It seems to happen when I am in motion so I have been trying to stay still as much as possible. I’m also very sleepy.

I don’t remember what I talked about in therapy. I know we talked about my father some more and about what was going on in the Twitter world. She asked if my plans were still on and I said I don’t know. It depends on a couple of factors. I think I am not going to go through with it but I might. She wants me to keep her posted.

Random 688

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 688

I woke up after having a weird dream about David Jobes. I dreamt I was following him around some hotel resort, trying to give him a book on back pain for dummies. He had a herniated disc and didn’t want surgery (who does, really?) It was a strange dream because my aunt and uncle were also at this resort where Jobes was. And the weirdest part was that I was talking to him like we were BFFs. I went back to sleep and then dreamt about making bagels. I woke up hungry so made a fried egg. That has been all that I have had today, so far. I am not really hungry anymore. I am wicked tired. My father’s doc called this morning looking for him. He wanted to know why my father hasn’t been back in the office since he has been off his INR. So I called the office telling him where he was and stuff that was wrong with him. I left my number in case he needed more information or wanted to call me. If he does call back, it probably won’t be until this evening.

My therapist had trouble calling me today. For some reason, she got a message saying that the number can’t be reached. I had to laugh because she flipped out. My cell number is the only number she has to get in touch with me. If she has an emergency contact, I don’t remember. She would have to pull my records to get that information and I am not sure she would know where that would be after 15 years of being together.

We spent the majority of the time talking about my father and I didn’t want to. I was so spent after session and wanted a nap but I had to go to Walgreens to get my meds. We also talked about being stressed out. I really don’t feel stressed, just exhausted as the last few days have been a whirlwind. I feel like it should be at least Thursday and it’s only Tuesday. I have been wicked congested today, more so than usual. The post nasal drip is making me nauseous, hence why I haven’t bothered to eat anything. I really just want a bowl of cereal and to call it a day. Except I don’t have cereal so that is going to be difficult.

I wanted to see my therapist in person but because I have been so exhausted, she is happy to do the phone the rest of the week. Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be freezing rain and I hate driving in rain anyways. I don’t care either way. I can see her next week. I can’t believe it’s March already, or soon to be.

I am not going out today. I only went to Walgreens and that is my only destination. I am just too tired to go anywhere else. I just feel this heaviness on me and I am not sure if it is just physical exhaustion or mental, or both. Tomorrow I get to order my Amazon books. I don’t need anymore but I am just a book collector. One of these days I will sort them out and stack them in some kind of order. Until then, it’s wherever I can find a space for them.

My new Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior journal came today. Nothing interesting, though there is an article written by one of the people I follow on Twitter. I might read that one. I have to finish Night Falls Fast first. I have just a few more pages and then I can move on to my next book, which will be A Common Struggle by Patrick Kennedy and Stephen Fried. I need a nap first and then I can read.