Tag: bipolar disorder

Saturday Blog 44

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 44

Spent the morning getting my father settled back home. He was discharged today from the hospital. I am sure tomorrow I will be getting a phone call from the visiting nurse to go over everything, again. He is resting now.

I got home and was very hungry. I had a muffin for breakfast with some almond milk. I hadn’t eaten anything else. My damn mother kept on asking me questions and I had to repeat the answers twice because she didn’t hear me the first fucking time. When she asked me her final question, I screamed the answer so now she thinks something is bothering me. Yea, you being deaf!! I feel like Jacob two-two every time I talk to her. It’s just so annoying having to repeat yourself every time I talk to her. I just wasn’t having it today. I was tired and hungry and she was preventing me from making a damn sandwich because I kept having to repeat myself.

I plan on having some ice cream later. I just hope it’s not soup because the freezer is breaking down. My mother still hasn’t bought a fridge yet. I wish she would just order it online but she is so damn stubborn. She has to see it with her eyes and physically touch it to buy the thing.

I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep very well, again, last night. Probably another reason why my temper is short. My back is cramping again. I think I got to restart taking magnesium supplements. I was doing good with taking them but stopped because the cramps went away. Now they are back.

I filled my pill box for the week. Now I don’t have to play hodgepodge. I don’t know what kind of state I will be in tomorrow so decided to do it today. I plan on taking some Neurontin so I can zone out. Nerve pain is being a bitch. Of course, the weather is wrecking havoc on me because it’s fucking cold today and then will be close to 60 degrees tomorrow. A 30 degree difference. My back and ankle just can’t handle that kind of change in one day.

My psychiatrist got back to me last night. She says she hears me about all that I have been going through. She didn’t seem concerned that I wasn’t eating and losing weight. But then, I am on the heavy side so it’s good that I am losing. I just hope I can keep the weight off when the depression disappears and my appetite returns.

Amazon is so weird. I can order stuff that is free shipping and it will take a week to get to me. Other times, I place the order and it’s delivered within a few days. I don’t get their shipping times. But tomorrow, I should be having my new books. I am such a bibliophilic. I still have three books on Kindle that I need to read. Actually, I have more than three that I need to read. I just bought two more Lawrence Block books because they were a steal. Can’t go wrong with either $3 or free. I got his latest book that he has been talking about the past two months. I am so glad I have his blog to keep me up-to-date on his writing ventures. I have so many books to read but unfortunately, I don’t have the inclination to read sometimes so they just sit on my bed for a while before I pick them up again. The latest book I am reading is “Common Struggle”. So far it reads like a speech more than a book. But then, it is written by a politician. I don’t think I am going to get back to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I am only on the third chapter and haven’t touched it since everything that has been going on with my father.

I have been listening to music more and that has been my zoning out because I listen to the lyrics more than have it as background noise. I think I am losing my touch to multi-tasking. But then, I am disabled so what do I have to multi-task about?

Long Day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a very long day. I spent the early afternoon at Starbucks, where I wrote in my journal for a couple of hours. I then went to the hospital to see my father. They wanted to discharge him tonight but I convinced them to keep them one more night, just to be on the safe side as he lives alone. Then my sister took us out for dinner and drinks. I had a margarita that was not a good one. The stuff in the pre-made bottle was better than the one I had. It was such a waste of money.

All day today there were suicide prevention conferences that I was retweeting the tweets from. It was good information that I thought I would pass along. I have another book that I want to get but it doesn’t matter. I probably won’t ever be a clinician like I hope to be one day.

As I was visiting my father, the nurse for the patient in the next bed had to redraw the patient because “the lab lost the previous bloods”. A million scenarios went through my head as to why this happened. First off, it was only 2 hours old so the lab probably didn’t get it yet, the nurse put the wrong labels on the patient, misidentifying him, or the labs were there but haven’t been logged in yet. I had to hear how she “gave the lab a piece of her mind”. I so wanted to say something but the nurses on this floor are so stupid when it comes to lab work. Hell, she couldn’t even explain why the guy had a GI bleed so I knew she wasn’t the smartest apple in the crowd. What I would have given to say to her what I was thinking. I will never know the truth of what happened with those bloods.

I emailed my psychiatrist about everything that went on with me this week. I told her I haven’t been eating and have lost weight. I just have zero appetite and then when I do eat, I can’t finish what I made. Tonight my sister took us to my favorite wing place. Usually I can finish the wings. There are like eight pieces. I must have eaten five before I was full. I barely touched the rice it came with. It was the only thing I had to eat today. I also told her about the syncope episode I had the other day. I know it’s probably due to me not eating regularly. I mentioned that I haven’t been taking my meds either, consistently this week because I am too tired at night to count out 12 pills, that because of my father’s hospitalization, I couldn’t fill my pill box Sunday. I hope she doesn’t reprimand me. I am too depressed for it to go well.

I feel like I lost a week because I have been back and forth to the hospital and doing things for my father. It’s just been a long week. I haven’t done any writing and I am sad because of this.

Morpheus, Where are you??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Morpheus where are you??

My stomach ache is gone but my foot has exploded so I had to take strong pain pills to kill it. I really would have loved to shoot myself in the foot. Least the pain would be explainable. But I would probably take the gun to my head instead at this point. I am feeling really poorly because I can’t fucking sleep. I have taken my regular pain meds, Ativan, and now the strong pain meds and I am still fucking awake.

I looked over my finances and the money I got paid yesterday is gone. I have only a hundred dollars to my name, which will be half that after I pay for my prescription later today and my T pass. I shouldn’t have bought groceries but I needed food, even though I am not eating very much these days. I think I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite has been nothing. I have been eating just one meal a day and that has been it. I don’t feel hungry. And you would think that because of the weight loss, my pain would be less. NOPE. If anything, it has increased!! One physiatrist told me that even if I was my “normal” weight, I would still have back issues. Course, she didn’t say that in her notes. She said that I should lose weight. Talk about contradiction. If losing weight is supposed to decrease my pain, why does it increase it? Doesn’t make any fucking sense. My therapist would say I am the exception not the rule. I hate when she says that. She is reckless, like the new Martina McBride song. I can’t wait to get the lyrics because I think the song is perfect for our relationship. It’s not available on Amazon right now and I am pissed. I hate iTunes. It always crashes the computer.

I can’t take my pain anymore. I am going to go through with my plans this weekend. Fuck it. I am done. It probably won’t kill me but at least I will be seriously knocked out. I just need a fucking escape and I have it and I am going to use it. It is a done deal, for right now. I may still change my mind but I doubt it if this fire that is burning is still going on. I will text my therapist before I do it. Or maybe I won’t. Will be kind of stupid if I did.

It’s getting cool outside but it’s still hot in my room so I have the ceiling fan on. It’s a comfortable coolness in my room that I like. I will probably be cold in the morning but oh well. I am comfortable now. Why can’t I sleep then?? The meds have kicked in though now I am feeling nerve pain. I have found that I will have intense fucking physical pain and then when the opioids kick in, my foot/ankle will burn like it is on fire. Neurontin is the only thing that extinguishes these fires but I can’t take it now or I will be foggy brain later today and I need to be coherent because I have to see my “lovely” father.

When I saw him yesterday, he was speaking mostly Italian. My middle sister couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I don’t think she ever really grasped the language like I did when I was taking it in college and in high school. I may not know ALL that he says but I can get the gist of it, if he talks slow enough. If he talks fast, forget about it. I am lost. Maybe I should invest in the Rosetta Stone to learn Italian because he is going to be speaking it more as he ages. I think he thinks he is speaking English sometimes because when you tell him to speak English, he has a confused look on his face like “huh”?? And then he is silent because he is searching for the English translation to what he is saying. He will also talk slow like we are retarded or something. It’s very frustrating.

I am feel loads of pain in my left ankle down to my toes. The peroneal tendon must be inflamed because that’s what it feels like. I had a good pic of the tendon but I have no idea where it got saved to. The spasms that I had earlier before my foot exploded must have triggered the tendon. Fuck. I wish I could just cut the sucker out and be done with it. I am so sick of being in fucking pain.

Every morning a little after 0100, I get a text from the Twitter account of Dilbert. I love the comic strip. It makes me laugh. Very few things these days make me laugh but Dilbert does.

I feel like having ice cream now that my tummy feels better but the effects of the strong pain pills is starting to make me feel woozy. It funny because I will feel high for about 30 seconds and then I will just collapse. This happens to me almost every time I take it. It’s very rare that I am able to fight the effects of this medication. I hope Morpheus finds me and I can sleep. I just hope he doesn’t bring me dreams about Jobes again. Those are weird. Dreaming about a psychologist that I respect a great deal and then following him around like a puppy? No thanks, Morpheus.

Stomach aches and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stomach aches and other things

I had a two hour nap. The only thing I had to eat today was a burger. It was really good but now, eight hours later, my stomach is doing flip flops. I just took some Alka-Seltzer and that seems to be helping. I haven’t eaten anything else today, I just wasn’t hungry. And there is no way I am eating anything right now the way my stomach feels.

It seems that no matter what, I always seem to be in pain of some sort these days. It’s really making me exhausted. I read the instructions of the new nasal spray that I was given. You can take two squirts a day so I just took another dose to see if it helps my head. So far, I am breathing out of both nostrils. Hope that stays the same. I just am curious why I have to have a different ailment every day. Yesterday was vertigo shit and today a sour stomach. I am so tired of dealing with things other than my ankle/foot problem. My ankle/foot I know what to do to relieve the pain and suffering for the most part. The other stuff, it just takes some time and hydration to get my equilibrium back. I’m lucky I had Alka-Seltzer as I am out of tums and Mylanta. I would have preferred Mylanta or the Walgreens version of it. Maybe I will grab a bottle when I go tomorrow.

My psychiatrist must have read her email because when I woke up there was a message from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready. I’ll get it tomorrow. The pharmacy is closed now anyways. Besides, I don’t think going out with my sour stomach would be a good idea.

I didn’t call my father but I did check up on him via his nurse. He is doing better. The bastard is still out of sorts and gave my sister a hard time when she called him. I know better than to call him. I will go by tomorrow. I think he might be discharged on Monday if all goes well.

I hate this stomach feeling that I have. I really want to go back to sleep. I took my meds and now I just want to sleep. My stomach is not helping matters. I really don’t want to puke because then I won’t be able to see my father (I know a pity). I don’t want to pass whatever I have along to him. I really hope this is just an upset stomach and nothing more. I have eaten from this place before and I don’t remember ever feeling this sick from eating there. But then, I haven’t been eating all week so it was probably a shot to my system. I am just glad I didn’t order Chinese food like I had wanted. That would have been worse.