Tag: bipolar disorder

I’m Still Up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m still up

I thought taking my meds at 2000 would knock me out. I just took some Neurontin, a bigger dose than I took last night. I hope it knocks me out. I only plan on having a conversation with my therapist tomorrow and playing powerball. I am conflicted on the payouts if I win. But I will worry about that when I am faced with it. Right now I am too busy spending my money by giving it away. I want to have more graduate program slots and internships for psych grads in the states, starting with the Catholic University of America and UMB. If possible, I want a suicide program in place at UMB for their psych department that is based on CAMS. Words won’t talk, but money will. This will be happening while I work on my bachelor’s degree. I am invested in finishing my degree at UMB because I am just 8 courses or so shy. I don’t want to start over some place else.

It’s so hard to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. The voices and demons are out tonight and it’s not even that late. I sent the other blog I wrote to my therapist. I am feeling out of sorts and I don’t like it. I am listening to Adele’s latest album. I don’t know why I am listening to it other than a song of hers was stuck in my head and I had to get rid of it. I think her other album, 21, was better than this garbage. Although, if you are in a morose mood, it is kind of soothing.

I hope the medication kicks in fast, but my luck I will be up till midnight. Maybe I should read for a bit. Dostoevsky can kill anyone. I got my Cognitive Therapy for Suicidal Patients book today. I ordered it before the new year and just got it today. I didn’t realize I ordered it from the UK. I was wondering why it was taking so damn long. I will have to look out for that next time I want a cheaper cost than what Amazon is selling. I could start reading that book but those books tend to wake me up and make me think. I need something that will dull the crap out of me.

My doc didn’t call me today. I am tempted to go to the hospital tomorrow and get the report myself. I am so impatient. What I would give to have access to my records right now. I tried my “Gateway” but they don’t even have the test entered as pending.

I’m going to try some Dostoevsky. If that doesn’t work, I am not sure what I will do.

Therapy, Zaps, Pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy today. It went by fast as we had a lot to talk about. I finally told her about the voices and she wanted me to put a couple of PRNs in my pill box. I basically said whatever. I have no intention of doing so. The voices are under control so I don’t have to be medicated. I know the longer I stay not medicated, the worse off I could become. I am just waiting for my stress levels to come down some before so they can go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case. The longer I go without the results of my MRI the longer, I am freaking out. We talked about that as it was a huge stressor and my anxiety was through the roof even though I took an Ativan. I just couldn’t relax. Part of the reason is the noise of the machine. It startles me. Loud noises tend to do this to me. It’s part of the PTSD. I called the neurosurgeon’s office today and I hope to get a call tonight or tomorrow with the results.

We briefly talked about our anniversary. She lost count of the years so I had to remind her. It has been quite a journey to get to where we are today. I never thought we would be doing therapy on the phone but it’s better than nothing. I do see her at least once a month now that I have a Zipcar.

After therapy, I went to my father who called and was complaining where I was. I went there did his pills for a week and a half and then left. The nurse never called me about his medication adjustment so I just gave him one pill in each box. I wasn’t going to wait all day for the call. She will probably call in the morning with the result. I am guessing it’s normal as I haven’t heard anything. I don’t have to deal with him until next Thursday. I lied. I have a doctor’s appointment with him on next Tuesday. Fuck it never ends with this guy.

I am very tired as I have been up since 0400 and haven’t had a nap. I am very annoyed right now. My back is aching because it is snowing and my ankle keeps doing this curling thing that hurts really bad. It’s like a spasm. I have taken some pain meds and an Ativan for the spasms. The voices are telling me to do stuff and I can’t quite shut them off. I’ve had enough of this day. Now I am getting zaps. I want to cry. I want to die, mostly. I think if I take all my meds it should do the job nicely, minus my pain meds. I don’t want a Tylenol overdose. That will really wreck the liver and that is something I don’t want. Maybe I will just have a margarita and call it a day. I’d have wine but I don’t think we have any. Margarita it is. So what if I took my pain meds and an Ativan. I need sleep anyways. Course that will involve getting out of bed. I am not keen on that right now. I just want to sleep. Is that too much to ask?

A Cramping Way to Start the Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A cramping way to start the day

It’s 0400 and I just started the day with cramps in my calf and ankle. Lovely. I am still pissed off, but mostly because I am in pain. My left knee started hurting me while I in the MRI tube and now it’s hurting again. WTF. I didn’t do anything to it, no twisting or falling of the sorts. I think it’s just maybe a little hyperextended and that is why it is hurting. I wish I could undo it but I don’t know how. I will have to see a doc if this continues but I know they will just tell me to lose weight because that is the cure all for everything. I wish I could lose weight and I might. Last night while having my dinner/lunch I burned the roof of my mouth. It is very sore and I can feel a blister forming. I think I will just have soft foods today. I haven’t had a hard boiled egg in a while. Unfortunately, they don’t tend to fill me up too good unless I have it with toast.

I thought I would wake up in a better mood but my mood still sucks. I am just so angry and I don’t know why. I pity the person that pisses me off slightly. I still need to make that phone call about my account being blocked. I really hope I can get the paperwork I need without going to the office. I also need to call Humana to get un-enrolled in their plan because fucking Medicare couldn’t do it. UGH. I hate calling people because I fucking hate being on hold.

My eyes have been squirrely the past few days so I am now wearing my multifocal glasses. It’s helping. I really don’t want to go back to the eye doctor. I know he will say that I need new glasses. I do every year because my vision changes. Right now I can’t afford glasses so it will have to wait. I need to figure out some things before I can budget glasses. Once I do that then I will see my eye doc. I have been seeing him for more than 20 years. He is a good doc.

I’m debating texting my therapist that I am up and in a bad mood so don’t piss me off today. It’s kind of funny that in all the time that we have been talking on the phone, I haven’t hung up on her intentionally in more than five years now. I say that is impressive because she used to talk and talk and then I wouldn’t get a word in edge wise so it would piss me off. Or what she was saying would piss me off so I would hang up on her. She would always call back, sometimes madder than a hen. It was funny to me.

I need to get a haircut this month. I can’t afford one right now because my meds are fucking screwy. I need to tell my doc that she need to give me a 90 day supply of my meds because it is cheaper than a 30 day supply. It’s only for a few months anyways until whatever kicks in and then my meds are free, usually in June. I don’t know if she will trust me with a 90-day supply of meds. I don’t know if I can trust myself with a 90-day supply, especially with the voices running rampant. In the end it will be better for her because then she doesn’t have to give me refills so much with the new system. I fear that she is going to be mad at me but we will see. I was expecting the meds to be $10 not $20 when the new year started. This is for generics, too. I have been trying to get a 90-supply for my blood pressure medication for months but the idiots keep sending it off to the mail order place for a 30-day supply. So annoying. I see my NP next week so I will ask then for a 90-day supply.

My back and thigh are hurting me. I didn’t want to take pain pills this early but then I really don’t want to be up this early. I might do some writing. I just bought a 5 in 1 pen. It has blue, red, green, black, and a pencil. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the pens are fine point. I like a medium point. I wonder if I can change it out. Some times I like writing with a fine point but not all the time. I feel that if I put too much pressure on the pen, it will break. The pen makes me happy because now I don’t have to carry around three different pens. It will definitely come in handy when I start editing my book. I seriously need to start a story about the owls or maybe add the owls to my story but owls are really mean. Vultures are mean and destroy things. Maybe I can write about that. I don’t know. I am stuck where I am at and I want to get the words up to at least 2000. I am close at 1500.

Well, I am glad that I am awake. My bowels just exploded just as I got to the toilet. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If I had been sleeping, I would have crapped myself. I can’t trust loose stool. Now I got to be careful when I fart or I might crap myself. Now I know I will be up a while longer, least until the pain meds kick in. I am hungry but I don’t want to be making anything. I just want to stay in my warm bed until the meds kick in. Maybe I will read Dostoevsky. I started “Brothers Karamazov” the other day. He writes his usual way. Long paragraphs and usually a ramble. I guess that is why this book is so long.

Everything is Pissing Me Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Everything is pissing me off

I have been on a tight cooker all day with the MRI. And now the pressure has finally been ticked off. I didn’t have contrast like I was supposed to. I don’t know why this is. I will find out Friday when I get the report. I will call the doc’s office tomorrow to get results, if they have them, but I want the report in my hand and to see the films with my own eyes.

I get another thing from Medicare enrolling me in a prescription drug plan. I don’t need one as I already have one through my disability from work. Why should I pay more for it? I got annoyed because I was on the phone for at least fifteen minutes for them to tell me again and again that I was disenrolled. It was like a damn recording but with a live person. ARGH!! Just do what you have to do and be done with it, dammit! Now I have to call the company they enrolled me in to unenroll in the plan. I am pissed. It didn’t say this on the paperwork, otherwise I would have called them in the first fucking place.

I am back to listening to Eric Church. I need some music that will calm me down. I took 900 mg of Neurontin. I really wanted to take that much in Ativan but I think that amount would be a) dangerous and b) I don’t think I have that much. Voices are winning tonight. Or maybe it’s just my impulsiveness and my aggravation to do something because I want to yell at someone right now and I don’t know who to yell at.

The MRI was weird. I have never, in 15 years, got wicked hot while the machine was running. I literally thought I was going to catch fire or something. And then when the tech said I didn’t need contrast, I knew something was up. Either the doc’s orders got messed up or my back is so messed up that they can see the damage without the contrast. I am more of a nervous wreck now than I was before. I swear if I wasn’t seeing/talking with my therapist tomorrow, I would seriously take the bottle of Neurontin. I have to see my father tomorrow so that is kind of stopping me too. I really don’t want to see him because I am afraid he didn’t take his pills like he was supposed to. And that is my fault because I didn’t explain it clearly. I just assumed he would have a clue but you know what happens when you assume. I can kick myself for this. I’m also pissed because I filled his pills on Tuesday instead of Thursday. I will have to fill his new pill thing because I am not changing my routine for him. No fucking way. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are days when I go to Starbucks for my time. I am not going to change that for this arrogant bastard that doesn’t fucking give a damn except for himself.

I made a phone call today to find out why I couldn’t have access to my account online and found out I was blocked. Now I have to go to the office with my ID to clear it up. Fuck. The office is a pain in the ass to get to. I will have to take the Zipcar one day, if I can’t get the paperwork I need over the phone tomorrow by calling the office directly. I hope it works or I am fucking screwed.

To top my day off, I got a call from a scam artist saying that I have to call this 866 number or I will be taken to court and a lawsuit will be filed against me. They didn’t tell me what company they were calling from, who the people were that I was supposed to call. For all I know this company is Aruba and they just want to siphon money from my cellphone account. I looked up the number and it’s from some place in Texas. So let them take me to court. I am tired of playing games. I haven’t received anything in the mail in months saying that I need to call someone ASAP to avoid a court date and my address hasn’t changed in more than 10 years so fuck you and your 48 hours.

When I came home from the hospital, I was pretty dizzy. I guess the pain meds and an empty stomach will do that. Plus I was sweating like a pig. It was freezing out but I was just so damn hot. I had to change my T-shirt because it was soaked with sweat. Now I am in my room, all changed and I am freezing. Go figure that one out. I want pizza. I think I will get some tomorrow.