Tag: bipolar disorder

Waste of Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Waste of time

I went to the hospital today to request a copy of my MRI. I figured it would be faster than waiting for the doctor to call me. I waited three hours for them to call me and it was wasted. I never got a call. By then I was hungry. I didn’t have the breakfast sandwich like I wanted because Starbucks was crowded and with my paranoia/voices, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to sit down. So I just had a latte and left.

My therapist was able to call me and we chatted a little bit. I told her that the paperwork had sent me over the edge. She was willing to provide what I needed but I told her she didn’t have to because it had to be sent in by Sunday. She also said we had to discuss what we wanted to say and everything. I think what is going to happen is that my therapist is going to have to write a letter saying that I cannot work due to my mental illness.

The lady I left a message with saying that my condition has changed never called me today. So much for calling right away. A lot of people I am waiting to hear back from, most importantly, my surgeon. I called his office while waiting and supposedly the message is on his desk. And of course, he is in surgery. I really hope I hear from him today.

While I was waiting for the records department to call me, I was contemplating going to the psych ER. But I knew that if I went, I would be hostage to them until I was seen and released. The whole idea didn’t appeal to me. But then my therapist called and put those ideas to rest. Today the voices are still rowdy but not as bad as they were yesterday.

I got to take a shower tonight. I need to leave early tomorrow for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It will be the first time seeing her since her hip replacement surgery. I haven’t seen her in a little over a month. It will be good to see her. I hope she doesn’t want me in the hospital. She knows stress always makes me psychotic.

I am very sad today. I found out that my friend’s dog, who had cancer, passed away this morning. I also found out this morning that Alan Rickman, the actor that played Snape in the Harry Potter series, passed. I was ready to bawl when I found out about the dog but I held it in. I couldn’t risk another day of getting a headache from crying.

Still Waking Up Early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Still Waking Up Early

I realized I slept about seven hours or so, which is good for me. Trouble is that I woke up around 0500. I was in pain so I took my pain meds. My ankle felt like it was hanging by a thread. Weird sensation but that is what it felt like. I hate waking up in pain.

It’s too early to tell if the voices have stopped or not. I took some heavy dose meds last night, including 8 mg of trilafon and 20 mg of abilify. My psychiatrist is not going to like me taking so much abilify but I had to do something. I am worried the voices aren’t going to go away. I have to talk to my sister about me going in the hospital because someone will have to do my father’s meds. I hate going but I think it’s for the best at this point. I am not getting any better and I just keep getting more and more stressed out.

I’m going to go to the hospital today and get my report results. I am tired of waiting for my surgeon to call. Besides it will help take my mind off things by going out rather than just staying cooped up in my room all day. I’ll leave soon as I know the place is open. It’s still early so I can’t leave now. It’s dark out. I will take my laptop with me so I can view the results when I am at Starbucks. I really don’t want to take my laptop with me but sometimes it’s good. They usually give you a CD with the images on it. No one prints out films anymore. I can’t remember the last time I did get films.

It’s another cold day. I am going to have to dress warmly. I might just wear my long sleeved t-shirt and then my warm BoSox jacket. That jacket can really take the cold. I love it. I’ll also wear my beanie hat and I will stay warm. I hope there isn’t too much wind as that just brings the temp down more. I might take a shower today before I go out. It’s been a few days since my last shower. I used to be good at every other day but now I suck at it. It’s more like whenever I feel like it, which could be three days or more. Oh well. It’s not like I am going out every day anyways.

I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I go to Starbucks later, I will have a breakfast sandwich. It’s been a while since I had one. I might be hungry later anyways as I had the cereal around 0530.

Still not good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still Not Good

I quickly took a PRN without the voices knowing about it and took an extra of the abilify that I take. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. A couple of friends have suggested listening to music but the voices started their death chant with the beats of the music. I can’t stand loud music so I just turned it off. Sometimes listening to silence helps. My mother has gone to bed so I don’t have to hear the blare of the TV. I am glad she went to bed early. My shows are starting their new mid-season premieres and I am not recording them because I have nothing to record them on. I don’t have the heart to throw away the TiVo. I am still hoping for life one of these days with it. I will have to talk tech with the new TiVo guys because I have an old television set without an HDMI so if I need that it’s not going to be worth spending the money on the set.

My therapist never called me. My therapist is looking for a way for us to talk tomorrow. That will be good. I am just so stressed out but a little calmer than I was. I haven’t had many meltdowns but today was just the pits. My psychiatrist just got back to me. Wants to know when I do when I get report of my back. Nothing else was in the email. Guess she isn’t concerned about the damn voices or anything. I knew I should have paged her. But I always think of these things after hours. I wish she said something about the voices that would have comforted me somewhat. Sometimes I think she thinks I make them up or something.

I called my cousin who has bipolar to discuss the SSD stuff but he wasn’t interested. He never is. He just calls me when it’s convenient for him. Then has the nerve to say why don’t I call or where have I been like I have left the country without telling him or something. He is the lazy bastard that won’t take the groceries up the stairs when my mother goes shopping with him.

I hope I don’t have to see the SSD doctors. That will really stress me out. I know they won’t understand about CES or chronic pain. They may even not get PTSD and the like. They usually aren’t good doctors.

I just realized the PRNs I take for my psychosis are more than a year old. Crap. I still have like 15 pills. I don’t take them that often. Voices are worse at night, especially when I am tired and want to sleep. They want to have conversations with me. I woke up at a decent hour, after falling asleep at 0400. I had woken up at 0300. I hope that doesn’t happen again. I’d go to the ER tomorrow if I thought I could scrape by without a hospitalization. But they don’t like to hear when patients tell them the voices are telling you to do things, especially harmful things like take a bottle of pills and lots of them. They also don’t like it when you tell them you rather not wake up in the morning.

I never played the lottery so if my numbers come out, I only have myself to blame. But something is telling me that no one is going to win tonight. Jackpot will be 2 billion dollars and then someone will win.

Really Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Really Struggling

I got mail today that just put fuel to the fire of the voices. They have increased ten-fold since I got more paperwork for my disability claim. I am scared that I might lose my SSD because I am “fit to work”. I will fight it as my therapist and psychiatrist knows that I am not. The voices have been telling me that I am a lazy ass and other criticizing stuff. They all just say that I should just end it all by taking all my meds. I am freaking out. I took some trilafon finally because I thought I could handle them without medication. Not today. Today I am too vulnerable because I am stressing about my MRI results. The neurosurgeon still hasn’t called me with results and I am getting worried that either something is wrong or no new is good news. I know he might be too busy to call and if he doesn’t call today, I will call his office again tomorrow. Or I might just go to the hospital and request my damn records.

I am sort of scared for my sanity right now more than my safety. If I didn’t have things to do next week, I would be in the ER right now. This new paperwork has thrown me over the edge. I haven’t done anything today. I was supposed to go to the store to get my PowerBall tickets but I haven’t. I am scared that I will have to talk to someone. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and the money isn’t even motivating me to get dressed so I can play. I have a get well card that I bought last week that I still haven’t mailed. My friend is probably well now but want to let him know I am thinking about him.

I had a good friend call me today as I was so upset. It didn’t do anything for the voices but helped to talk about my stresses. I had therapy today and my therapist was encouraging me to take my PRN meds. I sent her the blog I wrote so she knows I have been having the voices for a while now. I have asked her to call me but she hasn’t yet. I am wicked scared that she will suggest going to the ER. I really don’t want to be hospitalized only because I need to get my pain meds refilled next week and if I am in the hospital, I won’t get it. It will be a pain in the ass to figure out how to get it because I am in flux with new providers. And if I have to wait to be seen, I will run out. Last thing I need is to be out of my pain meds when I have been having so much more pain lately because of the weather.

The new paperwork that I got said that I need to call if things have changed. I called because things have changed. I am psychotic, I am awaiting my MRI results for new pain that I have, and I have seen a new doctor (well one that is new to them, not me). I wish my phone would fucking ring. I emailed my psychiatrist about all the stressors that I have, well that I have stressors, I didn’t specify which ones are triggering me right now. I think that she will find them silly or not important. Voices have confirmed this. Course they are also telling not to trust my psychiatrist of 20+ years. I just feel really out of it and my head hurts. The voices are so damn loud and they are murmuring to one another. I find this annoying because I rather know what they are saying. When they do talk to me, they are telling me to do stuff. I feel really anxious but I don’t think an Ativan will do anything for me.