Tag: blog

feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like shit

I have been yucky all day. I had wanted to run an errand for my mother but it never happened. I will try again tomorrow. I came home from my father’s. He didn’t want to go to the ER because he thinks he will stay there all weekend. So we left. As I was walking down my hallway to the stairs to my bedroom, I got another attack of dizzy spells. I barely made it up the stairs. Now I am getting a migraine. I am seeing the doc next week and I hope that this can be resolved. I ate while I was at my father’s so this isn’t a blood sugar issue, unless my sugar is too high, which is doubtful.

I didn’t get up till 1500 today. I think this is the first time that I slept so late. It was a broken sleep as I was awakened by phone calls. My mother called me twice to see where I was. My sister called to let me know about my father. Then my other sister called for something else. And of course, my father called wanted to know what to do about his condition. He still thinks he is having surgery on Monday.

Physically, I feel so drained. Migraine isn’t helping. I only took two doses of pills today (at different times) and I feel like I took more. I don’t know why I feel so out of it. I also feel weak. The dizziness isn’t helping either. I am glad I didn’t go to the ER. I might have had a bed next to my father. Man that would have pissed him off. The attention would be on me instead of him and he would have had his underwear in a twist.

Mentally, I feel like I should be dead. I have a heaviness on my chest that is making it hard to breathe. I just don’t feel like living anymore. Everything is so dark and gray. I just want to sleep. I have no interest in anything except keeping this blog going. It’s been so hard to write lately. My sister brought up the gun incident today and I nearly had a heart attack. Apparently, my aunt thinks my father would have shot my mother had my cousin not been there. Where she got this information, I have no fucking idea. Now I am having flashbacks/intrusive memories of that night. This has been a hard week for remembering this shit. Some years are better than others. I don’t know why it’s affecting me more this year than any other year. I just know I rather die than relive those awful memories.

I have an ugly soul

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“you have an ugly soul”. This was said to me after I told a former friend of mine that she needed professional help for her depression and suicidal tendencies. I am no longer friends with such a vindictive person like I knew she would turn out to be. There are always two sides of the story. I won’t tell her side because it’s not my right to. But let me tell you how I got to be such an “ugly soul”. I cared about this person and this person cared back. I think she was falling in love with me and to prevent a messy relationship, I ended it. She wanted help, my help, but refused to get professional help. I don’t have time for people like that. It’s too taxing to be in that kind of relationship. Now she is calling me narcissistic and a bunch of other names I won’t get into but because she is a religious person, she “wants the best for me”. Go hide under your religion. You aren’t fooling me.

I then spent the rest of my morning with a real narcissistic piece of work, my father. The appointment went exactly the way I thought it would go and two weeks later we need to return for follow up. After the appointment, I went to his house to do his meds and had lunch with him. The only way this guy eats is if you eat with him. So I had some Tuna with a lot of oil and some onions on bread. I liked the tuna, could do less with the oil.

My mother called on the way back to his house. She wanted me to run an errand for her while I was out. My ankle said hell no so I just came home. It’s a good thing I did because shortly after I got undressed, my bowels decided to explode again. I made it to the toilet so no accident but man it was close. I shouldn’t have taken senna last night but I forgot.

I barely got a few hours of sleep last night. Some troll sent me an offensive paper about suicide risk assessments are not needed and it angered me so much I couldn’t sleep. The reason I call him a troll is that after he sent his tweet, he never responded to ANY damn message afterwards. Bastard. So much for an intellectual conversation at 0200.

So my “ugly soul” did a lot today. I am hurting really bad with my ankle. It wants a divorce. Mentally, I am divorcing my psychiatrist. I am not going to email her today, at all. I wrote her out a letter last night and thought about sending it to her but thought she might get upset by it. I did text my therapist to call my psychiatrist and let her know I am in dire straights. The only thing I had to eat today was the tuna fish sandwich my father made and I don’t think I will be having anything else. I am so damn full it’s not funny. Plus the oil is making feel ill.

fridge fiasco averted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge fiasco averted

My mother ordered another fridge and again the movers found excuses not to bring it up. My mother cried so they brought it up the back way. We finally have a new fridge and it is working.

I haven’t had much appetite today. I forced myself to eat ¾ of a Stouffer’s French bread pizza. I couldn’t finish it. My mother had a hypoglycemic reaction so I had to lug all of the freezer and fridge stuff into the new fridge. I am exhausted. I was already exhausted from the depression and having crapped my pants when I woke up this afternoon. I had to delay therapy so I could get cleaned up. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I haven’t had a crap episode in a really long time. Just last week I was priding myself on making it to the bathroom on time with loose stool. Didn’t happen today with hard stool. I hate CES.

Therapist wanted to just talk about anger today. I was too depressed to talk about it. At one point I just let her talk and let her know it. I wasn’t listening to the bullshit. It’s the “I’m depressed because the anger I have for others is turned on me”. That is what I heard anyways. I was like is this my therapist?? There was more but I don’t remember it and I didn’t write it down after session because I was too fucking tired. She offered to call my psychiatrist to see up an appointment. I told her I am too frustrated to continue with the emails and such. She told me to put that in the email. I told her I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to piss her off. Besides, I have my blog to vent to about the aggravation. And occasionally, I will send it to my psychiatrist.

I’m supposed to babysit for an hour or so. I just want to go back to bed and lie down. Today is just a crap of a day. My mother had the audacity to tell me I haven’t done anything today so I can work. That really pissed me off and I said something to her. She didn’t respond. Probably because she didn’t hear me but still I said it.

I talked with my father. He has a 0900 appointment that he thinks is at 10. So what ever. He still isn’t talking to me. I could care less. I will then go over his house and fix his pills for the week. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I still feel kind of dizzy today, but that could be because I haven’t eaten much. I also haven’t had too many fluids. I just am in an I don’t care mood today. Even though I had pizza my stomach is hurting. But I have no desire for food. I need to take a shower today but don’t feel like it. I probably will before bed, if I have the energy. All the moving of the food back and forth to the fridge aggravated my foot so will have to see how it is later.

Depression and its lies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Someone had mentioned how “useful” a screening questionnaire was for suicide assessment and all I could think was, seriously?? Where were you when Jobes mentioned it 20 years ago? It got me steamed. Then I thought of another more direct questionnaire that dealt with suicide and wonder why that wasn’t being utilized. My brain was going and going. I had to write down my notes on the subject because it was 0200 and if I started writing and reading, I had no hope of catching any sleep.

I had therapy. I cried at certain points. Emotions were hitting me like a wet rag. I tried to contain myself but couldn’t. We were talking about feeling like a burden, that she should leave me, and that she was better off without me. I really need to read the Interpersonal Theory a little better. Maybe when I start feeling these things, I can climb my way out of it. Depression lies. I still don’t have a full appetite but I am eating. The physical symptoms of depression are still present. And no amount of therapy can help with that.

I was feeling dizzy after therapy but I had to do an errand for my mother. I did it and my back went out. I had to sit for a long time before I could get up and walk again. I really had no interest in leaving the house but I really wanted a soy latte. I got dressed and waited at the bus stop. While at the bus stop, I was still feeling like crap and must of have thought a million times to go back home. The bus came and I got on it. I got my latte and then I wanted to leave. I forced myself to write for at least a half hour in my journal before catching the next bus home. I don’t remember what I wrote about. I emailed my psychiatrist again. I really didn’t want to. But my therapist was telling me that she wanted to see me because it’s been so long since we have talked. She is a good support for me so I should see her. The depression is telling me otherwise. It’s so hard fighting it. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I have a feeling I am not going to. I don’t know why I keep trying. I just feel like it’s hopeless.

I wrote down my thoughts of my therapy session after we ended. I wrote longer than I intended to but that is ok. No one is going to see it except me. I feel bad that this month I am not going to see my therapist. I will try and make up for it next month. I am ahead in my cell phone bill so I plan on saving that money. I need to start saving money if I can. I hate not having a dime to my name some months.

I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist about going back to sertraline. I feel that warrants an in person conversation. But if I can’t get an appointment with her, I don’t know what I am going to do. It’s not like I am not trying or am avoiding her. It’s just exhausting waiting for a response. I know she is busy. For all I know, she might not be in the clinic full time.

The temps are really messing with my lower back. Sciatica flared up earlier today and now my lower back is aching. I think the weight loss has something to do with it as well, but I could be wrong. I just know I am not eating anything else today. I am just not hungry. The latte killed whatever appetite that I had. All I had today was a handful of pretzel nuggets and a pop tart with some apple juice. This is the longest my appetite has been affected, going on a month and half now. I have lost 12 lbs. so far. I am being careful not to gain the weight back on, but with no appetite, it’s been easy to do. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk and that is why I am eating something small and getting full. Whatever works! If I can lose another eight pounds, I will be happy, weight wise, anyway. My jeans can fit me better.